And the Apathy Sets In

I'm having a really hard time staying motivated in this search for love. Every time I get to this point, I stop looking and flirting and hoping.  I say to myself, "Oh, who cares? I'll just be single for the rest of my life."

Any words of encouragement?

Home

I am sitting in traffic (yes, I'm blogging and driving) after singing in a benefit for a theatre company in my home town. If ever I have felt "the love" it was today. The two men who run the company are a beautiful example of love and partnership. They genuinely love each other, the creative people they hire and the community in which they have chosen to work.

It is because of this love that I flew a thousand miles to be a part of their first annual benefit. It was just lovely to see my dear friends and reunite with my cast members. We picked up exactly where we left off as if no time had passed at all: the mark of true friendship.

And it is wonderful to be in my hometown, to be able to spend time with my loving family and to be able to perform for them. And only a few times have I been asked, "when are you moving back?"

It has been a weekend full of love and joy and a great reminder that no matter what happens in NYC, I know there are people out there who love me and to whom I can always come home.

And So Then ...

... what happens when "a potential" that you've weeded out sends you message? Do you politely answer even though you know that ultimately it won't go anywhere (based on the fact that the things important to you are not important to him) or just ignore him and not respond?

I'm leaning towards responding even though this person more than likely will not become my life partner. He still might become a good friend though. And who can't use more friends!?

The Weeding Out

I've noticed that when I view the profiles of the guys I have previously rated highly, none of them answered the questions that are important to me "correctly". What does that say about my taste? Clearly, I have no idea what I want. Or my initial instincts should not be trusted.

Forward Momentum

Lets be honest ... I've lost all motivation when it comes to this online dating thing. A prospective and I will chat online or through text messages for a while and then it just stalls. And in my searches there just isn't anyone that I find appealing.

So ...

I've devised another approach: I will go through each and every profile (in my age range) and actually keep or remove them. I'm not even going to pay attention to photos, height or weight. I'm going straight to their questions and depending on how they answer the questions most important to me, I will keep them or "hide" them.

Obviously this is going to take a ridiculously long time, but I've got another 10 months to complete this ... That is if my Gemini-ness doesn't kick in first. 

Proof of Heaven

About a week ago, I finished a book called Proof of Heaven: A Neurosurgeon’s Journey into the Afterlife and I can't stop thinking about it. I know this isn't a book review blog or a blog about religion, but I hope you'll indulge me for a bit.

The author, Eben Alexander MD, is a neuroscientist who back in 2008 suffered an attack of bacterial meningitis that left him in a coma for a week. While he was in this life-threatening coma, he experienced a near death experience. He should not have survived this violent bacterial infection, but he was "sent back". Perhaps simply to write this book.

He recounts his experience afterwards using our limited vocabulary.

" ... I had already been taught the one thing - the only thing - that, in that final analysis, truly matters ... It came in three parts, and to take one more shot at putting it into words (because of course it was initially delivered wordlessly), it would be something like this:

You are loved and cherished.
You have nothing to fear.
There is nothing you can do wrong.

If I had to boil this entire message down to one sentence, it would run this way:

You are loved.

And if I had to boil it down further, to just one word, it would (of course) be, simply:

Love

Love is, without a doubt the basis of everything ... This is the reality of realities, the incomprehensibly glorious truth of truths that lives and breathes at the core of everything that exits or that ever will exist, and no remotely accurate understanding of who and what we are can be achieved by anyone who does not know it, and embody it in all of their actions."

Dr. Alexander was a scientist who looked at religion, God and NDEs from a purely scientific point of view. Every event during sickness or at the end of life could be explained away with science. They were hallucinations that the brain concocted as a way of helping the patient deal with the end of his life. But Alexander's own NDE gave him an understanding that his colleagues refused to accept. These events were not merely fantasies of the brain, but rather God wrapping the patient in His/Her infinite love and ushering that patient from this world into the next. 

His colleagues have become critics asserting that he is irresponsible and knows nothing of brain science and that his book is "anti-science". He recounts his story and responds to his critics here.

So maybe I'm a misinformed layman who enjoyed this book simply because I'm searching for something, anything, that will give me a greater sense of purpose and understanding for why we're all here. Or because I will latch on to anything that affirms my long-held belief that we are all connected by a power greater than us. But I would like think that no matter what you believe, the idea that love is all around us, even in the traumatizing and unknown, would be comforting and empowering. And I'm much happier living in that reality than any other.

HVD, Y'all!

Happy Valentine's Day everyone! Whether you're single, married, divorcing, coupled, desperately looking, cynical and over it, or proudly celibate, I wish you much love today and everyday!

Eat some chocolate and have a glass of your favorite drink and know that there is someone out there thinking about you and wishing you love. And since I gave up alcohol for the month of February and sweets for Lent, you should have an extra of each for me!

Love, love and more love,

Moodylicious

PS - I added myself to this WNYC poll (see if you can find me!) Feel free to add yourself, too!

Visit the full site here!

Rose and Jer

In the mail yesterday, I received two Valentine's Day cards: one from my mom and one from my dad. They're vacationing out in Arizona (you know, as retired Baby Boomers do) and they took the time out of their vacation to make sure I received some love this week.

I am not a big card giver. If I'm going to give you a present, shouldn't the present be enough? You mean I gotta pay an extra 3, 5, 7 bucks to tell you in a card what I already tell you in real life? My parents, however, are fantastic card givers. Especially my dad. For as ornery, stubborn and sarcastic as he is, that man is full of love. He will spend hours at Hallmark pouring over the cards to find the perfect one that expresses exactly what he feels.

My mother is also a special card giver. She is much quieter than my father and not as prone to expressing her feelings as Dad and I (he and I are both Geminis so they tend to explode out of us). But she has a beautiful way of picking the card that reveals to me the incomparable depths of a mother's love.

Last night when I read both of those cards at my kitchen table, I burst into tears. Partly because I miss them a lot and wish that we lived closer, but mostly because I realized how lucky I am to be loved so much. 

Questions

I've been quite frustrated the last few days and not sure what to do. I've been questioning my current situation and coming up with few answers. 

I've been presented with an opportunity that, while it could make me incredibly happy, would turn my life inside outside. I've been stressing out, running through all the scenarios and trying to figure out how to take the opportunity and not turn my life completely upside down. I'm fearing the potential change.

On the other hand, I did just spend four days training for this movement certification I'm working towards and I found myself SO happy to be in that room studying with those people. The main tenant of the method I'm studying is if you can improve your movement, you can improve your self-image. I love that it's all geared towards meeting people where they are and helping them be their best selves. A common phrase often said in the training is, "If you don't know what you're doing, you can't do what you want". It helps people become aware of what they're doing, so that they can do and become what they want. And not just in movement. In all areas of their lives.

So if I'm studying this, investing time and money into this idea with the hopes that I can one day teach this, why am I not practicing this myself? If I can encourage people to change themselves, why am I fearing this change in myself. 

I know I'm being vague by not giving out details of what I'm trying to work through, but I think the most important idea here is that I'm scared of the potential change I may have to make even though it might give me the life I want. And I'm not quite sure yet how to let go of that fear.

This List ...

... makes me want to be a better person.

26 Moments That Restored Our Faith In Humanity This Year

Do Unto Others

On Tuesday morning, I popped into the bank to take out cash to buy flowers for my office. Without thinking twice, I held the door for the person behind me. Turns out it was a kid asking for money. Immediately my guard went up. I was annoyed, angry, offended. I thought, "What, because I'm a white woman in your neighborhood getting money out of an ATM you think I'm rich and have money to spare? I just want to take this $20 out and get to the train, kiddo, okay? You're not my problem." He  had a school field trip that day and his dad had been out work and he didn't have enough money to get on the train that day. Or so he said. I rolled my eyes and reached into my pocketbook. "Sorry hon, this is all the change I can spare." I scooped out the pennies, dimes and nickels and practically threw them at him as I rushed out the door, some of the coins crashing to the ground. 

I haven't stopped thinking about that kid since. 

Living in a big city, I've heard all kinds of stories from folks trying to squeeze change out of strangers: My car ran out of gas and I just need a few dollars to get to the hospital to visit my dying mother/sister/brother; I live with my fellow homeless friends under (pick a bridge) and it's my turn to go out and scavenge for food; I'm homeless and just need a dollar or two for beer. At least that last guy was honest. But who's to say the others weren't? I've become so hardened to all the liars and scammers that I ignore everyone, even those who might actually need help. When faced with the hypothetical question, "Would you spare a dollar to help a child eat, learn, grow, or have a chance?", who wouldn't say "YES, of course!". But when faced with the actuality, I became hostile, skeptical and dismissive. 

I'm ashamed of how I treated that boy. Whether or not he was scamming me, I still should have taken the opportunity to treat him with respect. Maybe instead of rushing out of the bank practically throwing the change at him, I could have placed it in hands and said, "Good luck, hon." Even if he were just scamming me maybe that extra kindness would have at least felt like a human worthy of respect instead of a vagrant scraping up coins off the dirty floor. But again, I'm supposing. I don't know what he felt.

The question of how to balance the taking care of our fellow man with the need for self-preservation is a tricky one. And I don't have an answer. I struggle with it everyday in this beautiful, heartbreaking city.

IRL

In an effort to keep the promise to myself to message five guys a week, I jumped on OKCupid last night and did a search for males in my age range in NYC. I didn't find a single person I was interested in. Not one. So I widened my search in both distance and criteria, and while that proved a bit more promising, there still wasn't a single man I was interested in contacting.

My friend KB always asks me how my search on OKC is going. "Have any of them [insert awful anecdote from daters past]?" She knows my search has been troublesome and she is always very encouraging. However, KB believes that love cannot be found online and I'm starting to wonder if she's right. She believes that real true and lasting love is found in real life usually through friends of friends. And when all of your friends are married, too young for you or gay, is it any wonder that you're (I'm) still single?

I like the safety of online dating. You can cruise for guys without having to change out of your comfy pants or leave your couch. And when I do find one that I think is attractive, I can just look through his profile to see if we're compatible instead of wasting time and money in a bar. 

But, on-paper-compatibility doesn't account for chemistry. I've had fantastic online exchanges with a few guys only to be horribly disappointed when, face-to-face, we had the excitement of a Presbyterian deacons meeting. (Love to my Frozen Chosen). 

Online dating is convenient, but merging your life with another's isn't. It's difficult and challenging, so maybe finding that right one should be, too. Maybe it's time to get off the Internet and on to finding someone in real life. 

Does that mean I am going to have to speed-date to do it? I hope not. But I'll try it if I must!

We know it will make for a good story!

Quotes

I've heard the expression "guard your heart" many times in my adult life usually in reference to a new relationship or calling up an ex. But I came across a Bible verse this morning that really struck me: 

Guard your heart above all else for it determines the course of your life. - Proverbs 4:23. 

I can think of many times in my life that I have desired something or someone I knew wasn't good for me, but went for it anyway. Of course, the outcome was painful and destructive and in many cases, it took years to rebuild relationships or my own self-confidence/ability to trust.

 

Another translation of this same verse says: 

"Be careful what you think because your thoughts run your life."

Boom! Isn't that exactly what I've been doing all month? What you set your heart upon will become your life. So be careful with it, choose wisely, but envision the best for yourself and don't settle for less.

 

This past month I have been trying to live the life I have always envisioned I could live. And everyday I feel like I am getting closer to that. It hasn't been easy. I'm having to face the fact that if I want certain things (to lose 20 lbs), I will have to give up other things (sleeping in and several bottles of wine). I also came across this quote this weekend:

I must be willing to give up what I am in order to become what I will be. - Albert Einstein

It's painful giving up what we know and what is comfortable. And change is scary.  But hell, all of life is fucking scary. Why not meet it with bravery and openness? Because as a wise woman once said,

The greatest risks have the greatest rewards - Moodylicious

Progress Report

Well, we're a month in to my little "love myself and other people" project. The fingernails are looking good. They have a shiny coat of sparkly teal nail polish and 8 out 10 are long and beautiful. I've had only 1 cigarette since Dec 29th. I've gone to 6 salsa dancing classes and mediated 3 times (I really need to get a book or something because I honestly have no idea what I'm doing). And I've been pretty consistent with writing this blog. 

On the flip side, I've gained 2 pounds, am still feeling like I have no idea what I'm doing with my career. And that credit card? Well, it's only been a month, so unless I had won the lottery, there really wasn't a whole lot that could have happened there. But I did start a 401k which feels like something very important and adult.

So I'm feeling pretty good about the direction in which I'm moving. February is going to be a sober month for me (like how I picked the shortest month?!) so I'm sure that will help with those 20lbs and the money thing.

It feels like I'm making progress. Life is good, my friends!