Letting Go

There is a man in my life who I have had an on-and-off thing with for approximately eight years. We get along really well, have a great time with each other and can be open and honest about our feelings. The only problem is that he lives all the way across the country. In the eight years we've known each other we've only been in each other's presence a handful of times. 

I was able to see him this past weekend (the weekend of skiing fearlessness!) and it was as if no time had passed at all; we picked up right where we had left off. It felt so comfortable and easy that I kept thinking, "Why aren't we in a relationship?". I never brought this up to him because the timing never felt right. Then it hit me as I was driving to the airport to fly back to NYC, "Why am I holding on to the idea that we should be?" After all this time if I haven't made a move and he hasn't made a move then maybe the timing will never be right. To keep holding out hope that he and I could some day make it work and figure out a way to be together is really holding me back. I'm missing out on opportunities that could be right in front of my face because my thoughts, heart and energy are a thousand miles away. 

I'm afraid that if I let him go, I will lose the opportunity to someday be with him, that he will eventually find someone else and I will look back in twenty years with regret and wonder "what if?" But that fear of letting him and the idea of "us" go, is exactly what is holding me back from becoming the woman/partner/lover/mother/teacher I am supposed to be. And in some way, my fears are holding him back, too. 

So when I got home to NYC I gave it a good ponder, took a deep breath and called him. I will spare you the boring details, but it was an honest conversation about what each of us is actually able to give the other person. I decided that it was time move on and let "us" go. After we hung up the phone, I cried ... a lot ... but I don't think it was because I was feeling sadness. I think I was feeling relief. All the anxiety I had about my feelings for him and wondering how he felt about me and all the confusion and restlessness were gone. For the first time, I wasn't freaking out over all the things we could possibly someday have together. I was able to just appreciate and be thankful for what we actually did have. My only regret is that I didn't give us the opportunity to let go sooner. 

The Mountaintop

I am in an airplane right now somewhere over Nebraska or Kansas (Hi mom!) on my way to Denver. Tomorrow I will face my fear of skiing and the panic attacks have hit in full force. Not helping one bit was the phone call last night from the aforementioned mother. I could tell that she was distracted and not telling me what was on her mind. So I flat out asked her "What are you worried about?" "The skiing," she says. "Just learn from your mother's mistake. I went off once without an instructor and was stuck at the top of hill I couldn't get down. I was really up a creek and went down the slope on my backside". I promised her that I would not wander off from the group and I would avoid all trees.

But for other reasons unrelated to winter sports, I am really feeling that panic of being at the top of the hill unable to get down. In a few hours, I will also have a phone interview for a teaching position at a university (my first!). And this is perhaps more frightening than throwing myself down a mountain. Even when I got the email last week requesting the interview, it took me five hours to reply to the email because I was paralyzed by fear. Here is a chance to do what I have wanted to do since I left Chicago in 2005 to get my terminal degree. And when faced with that opportunity, I don't want it. Instead of immediately replying "Yes! Any time is great!", I stare blankly at the computer while thousands of self-depricating thoughts race through my mind. Right in front of me is what I've wanted for so long and it frightens me.

I'm afraid that I will look like a fool. That my answers will be stupid. That they will wonder why they wasted their time on me. That I will suddenly realize that I can't do this, that I'm not cut out for this, I'm not smart/talented/witty/clever enough to have the job I want. Or worse that I will actually get what I want and more will be required of me than I am able to give. Or even worse than that, I'm stuck in a position that doesn't make me as happy as I thought it would and now what do I do with my life!?!?

After freaking out to my buddy McC over Gchat for a bit (okay a lot. He's a saint), I finally replied and set the ball rolling. I reached out to professor friends for any and all potential interview questions and I formulated my responses. I researched the school and the curriculum and the current professors, my potential colleagues. But none of it makes me feel at ease. I'm still stuck at the top of the mountain ready to cry because I don't see any way down to safety.

But that safety of never putting myself in a position of failure is a trap. To never pursue opportunity is safe and comfortable and I would never have to endure the pursed lips, tight throat and raging stomach of self-doubt and fear. I could continue at my day job making a lot of money but never being truly fulfilled or making the difference that I want to and know I can make.

So what is the worst things that can happen? I bomb the interview. I tumble down the mountain on my backside. But I will be wearing a helmet, so how much damage can really be done? (Don't answer that!). I will stand up and brush myself off. The bruises will heal and I will learn valuable lessons for the next run.