The Mountaintop

I am in an airplane right now somewhere over Nebraska or Kansas (Hi mom!) on my way to Denver. Tomorrow I will face my fear of skiing and the panic attacks have hit in full force. Not helping one bit was the phone call last night from the aforementioned mother. I could tell that she was distracted and not telling me what was on her mind. So I flat out asked her "What are you worried about?" "The skiing," she says. "Just learn from your mother's mistake. I went off once without an instructor and was stuck at the top of hill I couldn't get down. I was really up a creek and went down the slope on my backside". I promised her that I would not wander off from the group and I would avoid all trees.

But for other reasons unrelated to winter sports, I am really feeling that panic of being at the top of the hill unable to get down. In a few hours, I will also have a phone interview for a teaching position at a university (my first!). And this is perhaps more frightening than throwing myself down a mountain. Even when I got the email last week requesting the interview, it took me five hours to reply to the email because I was paralyzed by fear. Here is a chance to do what I have wanted to do since I left Chicago in 2005 to get my terminal degree. And when faced with that opportunity, I don't want it. Instead of immediately replying "Yes! Any time is great!", I stare blankly at the computer while thousands of self-depricating thoughts race through my mind. Right in front of me is what I've wanted for so long and it frightens me.

I'm afraid that I will look like a fool. That my answers will be stupid. That they will wonder why they wasted their time on me. That I will suddenly realize that I can't do this, that I'm not cut out for this, I'm not smart/talented/witty/clever enough to have the job I want. Or worse that I will actually get what I want and more will be required of me than I am able to give. Or even worse than that, I'm stuck in a position that doesn't make me as happy as I thought it would and now what do I do with my life!?!?

After freaking out to my buddy McC over Gchat for a bit (okay a lot. He's a saint), I finally replied and set the ball rolling. I reached out to professor friends for any and all potential interview questions and I formulated my responses. I researched the school and the curriculum and the current professors, my potential colleagues. But none of it makes me feel at ease. I'm still stuck at the top of the mountain ready to cry because I don't see any way down to safety.

But that safety of never putting myself in a position of failure is a trap. To never pursue opportunity is safe and comfortable and I would never have to endure the pursed lips, tight throat and raging stomach of self-doubt and fear. I could continue at my day job making a lot of money but never being truly fulfilled or making the difference that I want to and know I can make.

So what is the worst things that can happen? I bomb the interview. I tumble down the mountain on my backside. But I will be wearing a helmet, so how much damage can really be done? (Don't answer that!). I will stand up and brush myself off. The bruises will heal and I will learn valuable lessons for the next run.