Bravo, Mr. Collins!

We all deserve love in our lives and we all deserve to search for that love without fear of animosity or retaliation. I don't follow basketball much (expect for my home state Jayhawks!), so I've never seen or heard of Jason Collins before today. But I am so impressed with him and his beautifully eloquent coming out. 

I wish that all of us - gay, straight, bi, trans, man, woman, black, white, red, yellow, brown, pink and purple - could find as much bravery within ourselves to live our life so boldly and passionately. How good it must feel to speak the words you've been dying to speak for so long. To be able to say with confidence that this is who I am and this is what I want.

You can read his fantastic article here. Oh, and just look how beautiful he is! So proud and happy, that light shining from within. Lucky is the man who gets to spend a life with Mr. Collins.

For as happy as I am for Jason, I am amazed that it has taken this 34 year old so long to discover and proclaim who he truly is. But of course, I realize that it has taken me (also 34) just as long and I am still searching. I don't have a national platform with which to herald my true self, but what would I say if I did have a national magazine ready to print my hopes, dreams and desires. Even if I don't have that, isn't every day a chance to proclaim my life as MINE. To unabashedly say without fear that this is who I am and this is what I want! 

Why wait until I lose 20 lbs or pay off that debt or get another job or get my own apartment or, like Mr. Collins, a national tragedy reminds me how precious and fleeting life is?

So what is it? What is that one thing that I am (you are) denying that, once revealed, would help me live the life I always dreamed was possible, the life I know I am (you are) meant to lead? Can we find the bravery to show ourselves for who we truly are and love ourselves enough to never fear the retaliation for proclaiming our true selves?

Thank You?

On a train ride home last week, a guy walked all the way from the other side of the train to stand right in front of me. He was just staring at my legs in my brown knee high boots and as we pull into the station he says to me "I think I'm attracted to you." And then, as he's making this big round shape with his hands he says, "You're really healthy. I like that."

"Thank you," I say. I mean, really, what else can I say?

He gets of the train and that was it. 

It's nice to know that there are some men in NYC who appreciate what I'm working with.

Like a Band-Aid

In a fit of boredom/anger/desperation last week, I deleted my profiles from ALL of the online dating sites I apathetically frequented: OKCupid, match.com, Christian Mingle, eHarmony. Done. With all of them. And to tell you the truth, I've never felt better. It kind of feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. No longer do I feel obligated to login and run a search of potential mates or respond to a jackbag's eloquently penned message of "hey". I'm left with tons more time now to do .... something, who knows.

But the problem is, online dating is kind of how New Yorkers find each other. When a gal pal says that she's engaged, chances are she met him on match.com. Another gal pal gets a new beau and where'd she meet him? OKCupid. We don't bother talking to people here in NYC. We put our earbuds in, crank up the music and actively ignore each other. And if you do happen to accidentally make eye contact with another person, you're greeted with a look of fear and distrust. It's so much easier to search for people online and send them a two-word greeting from the safety of your living room couch.

But the easiest way is not always the most rewarding way. So I'm taking it to the streets. Yup. I'm actually going to break out of my comfort zone and talk to a flesh and blood male. Well, I actually have no trouble talking to real life males, I talk to them all the time. But I'm suggesting chatting with one I might actually be attracted to and not just the parking lot attendant across the street who I say hello to every morning. 

And who cares if I get rejected because the dude has a girlfriend or he finds me repulsive. Whatever. At least I did it. And the next one will be that much easier and the following one even easier. And before you know it, I will be picking up men left and right. 

Sounds like fun. 

Boston

I don't have much to say about yesterday's tragedy in Boston that hasn't already been said much more eloquently than I could have imagined. But what I will say is that it's in times like these that I am fiercely thankful for my family, friends, my community and my country. There is a lot that is broken, but there is so much more that is right. People running TOWARDS the explosion to help. People coming out in droves to donate blood. Thousands offering prayers, well-wishes and thoughts of hope and encouragement. 

I've only been to Boston twice. The first as child on my family's "American History" vacation and the other as an adult with my sorority sisters (the two trips were extremely different as you can imagine). But I do know a lot of people from Boston (originally froms or transplants) and they are a fiery, loyal, generous people. I am saddened that this happened to their community, but I know that they will persevere and come through the other side stronger, more resilient and more patriotic than ever. 

All I can offer in this situation is love. It's my default emotion in any catastrophic event and I firmly believe it's the only way to heal. Send it to your family and friends as a reminder of what they mean to you. Send it to the running community whose sense of security was shattered. Send it to the families of those killed or injured. Send it to the aid workers fighting to save lives. Send it to the law enforcement agents who are working tirelessly to track down the person responsible. Send it to the family of the person responsible. Hell, even send it to the person responsible so that he or she may realize the severity of his/her actions, take the full weight of that responsibility and turn his/her own hatred and vengence into a power for positive, non-violent change.

But above all send it to yourselves.  Please be gentle with yourselves today and everyday. And if you feel like you need a little love, send me a note. I'm always happy to listen and send love and encouragement across the miles.

 

"If You Can't Love Yourself ....

How in the hell you gonna love somebody else? Can I get an 'AMEN!'" ~ RuPaul

For the past four months, I've been contemplating love and how I can make myself available for "the one". But I'm starting to think that this journey is so much more than that. I think maybe it's about changing my heart to find more love for myself. 

Don't get me wrong, I think I'm pretty great. I know who I am and what I want out of life, but there are certain destructive areas of my life that are holding me back from full self-acceptance and love. 

I wrote that one of my visions for 2013 was to lose 20lbs and this was for the expressed purpose of being hot enough for someone to deem me datable. Being fat has been a great way to keep myself isolated and safe. The literal layers between myself and another human being have been the constant, single reason for "everything wrong in my life". But working out and dieting just to be "hot" has never been a good motivator for me (or else I'd already be smoking hot).

When I start looking at the reasons why I'm fat, it really does boil down to a general loathing of myself and my body. Why else would I continue to put fried, greasy, fattening foods or chemically processed convenience and diet foods into my body when I know they do nothing to nourish the one and only thing that will be with me through my entire life?! I put more energy and thoughtfulness into what I feed my dog than what I feed myself. And while I love her a lot, shouldn't I at least grant myself the same consideration?

What could be possible if I begin to love and nourish myself physically as well emotionally and spiritually?! If I love and respect myself as much as I say I do, I could prove it by becoming more loving and mindful about how I take care of myself. And there's no time like the present!

Another Dream

Last night, I dreamt that one of my friends, who, in real life, kind of has my dream job, got a beautiful new house and she was giving me the tour. The windows were big and sparkly clean and looked out onto a clear, sunny day. However, I was really concerned because all of the windows (and the front door) were either wide open or unlocked. Then a detective came by (you know, like they do) and I don't really remember much after that.

You know how much I like to interpret dreams, so here it goes:

"To see a window in your dream signifies bright hopes, vast possibilities and insight. To dream that you are looking out the window signifies your outlook on life, your consciousness and your point of view. It also refers to your intuition and awareness. You may be reflecting on a decision."

"To see an opened door in your dream symbolizes your receptiveness and willingness to accept new ideas/concepts."

So I am looking out onto clear, sunny possibilities and reflecting on a decision. The open door represents my readiness to accept the new possibilities. But in the dream I was really scared/concerned because the windows and door was open. So in my waking life I'm ready, but scared shit-less.

"To see a detective in your dream signifies the thrills and dangers in some aspect of your waking life."

So not scared without reason. These new possibilities are frightening and I'm not sure I'm ready for them.

"... dreaming of a friend indicates positive news."

I've been working this whole year to open myself up to possibilities and it's like my subconscious is warning me that these possibilities are about to happen. Okay, so I better get it together quickly, my friends!

Time Away

This weekend I went upstate with a friend to visit her family and celebrate the accomplishments of her younger brother. It was so generous of them to allow me to become an honorary member of the family for a few days. Watching them interact made me realize how, at the heart of everything, all families are the same. They're made up of the jokesters, the quiet ones and the ones that always want to pay for everything. There is always drama and heartache but there is always love.

Being with her family made me deeply miss my own. People move to New York to pursue their dreams and find themselves. And I am certainly doing that. I just hope that it all pays off. That when I look back, I will feel like it was the right decision and not mourn the lost time with my family.

As my parents get older, I know I should be soaking up every precious moment with them. Can I really do that from thousands of miles away?

This weekend, it really hit me just how important family is. That no matter what happens between mother and father, father and daughter, brother and sister, working towards forgiveness, love and joy is absolutely necessary. Because at the end of the day, sometimes family is all that we have. And all that really matters.

Spring Has Sprung?

We've sprung forward, vernally equinoxed and Easter has come and gone. It's officially spring, but you'd never fucking know it! Us New Yorkers are still bundled up against the bitter wind and about ready to go crazy. I'm feeling spring fever this year in a way I've never felt before. I'm ready for warmer weather, to shed these winter layers and flirt with all the boys. Yes, friends. Moody is feeling frisky.

Maybe it's the long winter, this project of "Love in 2013" or the simple fact that this girl's clock is a-tickin', but damn, I am feeling the spring mating season way down deep in my lady parts. Guy friends that I've never found attractive are suddenly sexy as hell. I am purposely catching the eyes of gentlemen on the street. I'm feeling smokin' hot in all of my clothes and I haven't even shed a single pound. 

I'm still balancing this desire for a significant other with my apathy for dating and I still feel like its time to chill on "the hunt" for a bit. But I think, in the meantime, I will continue to sashay my hips down the streets of NYC, be fun and flirty with no agenda and just enjoy the coming spring!

Sick of It

I've caught my annual Spring Allergy Sinus Attack and feeling like my head might explode at any moment has put me in a funk. An "I feel bad about myself and everything I haven't accomplished" funk. 

It's already April! How is that possible!? Three full months I've been at this new journey towards love, and well, I don't really feel like I'm anywhere closer to it or any of my visions than I was on December 31st. 

I lost about 3lbs only to gain another 5. I had long, beautiful nails until I got stressed about life and gnawed three of them off. I've had about four too many cigarettes (which averages out to about one per month. That's not too too awful, right?). I've found a lot of great excuses as to why I can't fit salsa dancing into my schedule. And meditation? What's that? The only two visions I can say are on track are my credit cards and this blog (ugh, don't even get me started on my career). 

So with all this work that I still have to do on myself, how is there any time to fit in a relationship? Maybe I just need to chill out with that whole thing, because with all of this "self-improvement" I can't possibly fit in time for a significant other.

I'm finding myself unmotivated to pursue any of the gentlemen from the Speed Date and I don't want to subject myself to anymore of this OKCupid nonsense. So what if I actually do what everyone tells me to do? Just stop looking for it. Work on myself. Find more ways to love myself and the people around me and eventually the universe will help me make space for that right person.