Fat Girl

I wrote about this last year as one of my visions for 2013, but I think the main reason that this vision was never realized was, well, you guessed it, my fear kept me from taking the steps I needed to make the vision a reality.

For a long time, perhaps my entire life since puberty, I have believed that I am fat. (This is not up for debate. Whether or not I really am is not the point. What only matters here is my belief and how that belief controls my life. I'm looking at you, McC) This belief has influenced my outlook on just about everything in life. It's the reason I'm not cooler, more fashionable, more successful in my acting career, the reason that I am still single at fucking 35. It's the reason why I am and never will be in love. 

I could sit here and talk about how my familial relationships shaped this idea or how my last relationship led me to believe there was something wrong with me, that maybe if I had been skinnier or prettier he wouldn't have cheated on me. But I don't think it helps to dwell on the past or blame other people for my current situation. It's time to move forward and the only thing I can change is my own attitude. 

It's my fear that keeps me fat. If I keep this layer if blubber around me then I am safe. I won't have to let anyone else in. It's everyone else's problem then. "See? It's their fault! They can't look past this gelatinous exterior to the amazingly awesome person I am." And if I can keep them at a distance, then I will never get hurt. But that fear of getting hurt is exactly what keeps me hurting. By focusing on that fear, on what might happen, I'm actually manifesting it into being.

Thoughts become action. 

So what is it I fear about getting as healthy as I know I can be? Is it the fear of losing sleep to wake up that extra hour to get to the gym? I have no problem losing an hour of sleep on the other end to a directing project or spending quality time with friends. What's the difference? I don't know yet. But I do know that if I become smoking hot, I will have to deal with attention, buy new clothes, deal with a new me and a new life. My life will change. And change is hard.

Or maybe it won't. Maybe I will change all if this and still be single, frustrated, alone. Maybe I will have to come to terms with the fact that the cause of all my frustration is not the one thing I've held onto for 20 years, but something else entirely. Something much scarier, a bigger mountain I may not be able to climb. That is a possibility, sure. Nothing is impossible. But right now that possibly scarier thing is a figment of my imagination. Something I'm conjuring to justify my fears. I grew out of being afraid of the monster under my bed because it didn't make sense to fear imaginary things. Because there was never a monster under my bed. So maybe this mountain isn't there either.

The only real tangible outcome of me getting my ass to the gym is that I will become stronger and healthier. What is there to fear in that?