The Year of Love: In Review

What a whirlwind this year has been. I started the year (and this blog) with the intent of putting myself out there and opening myself up to love. And while I am still as "single as they come", I am a changed person. My outlook exiting 2013 is much different than it was entering 2013. No longer am I bitter about love or the "lack" of it in my life. I still get lonely, sure, and sometimes I wonder if "the one" will ever manifest himself. But this year has taught me to love myself and appreciate what I DO have in life.

I have had opportunities beyond my comprehension and have given thanks every day that I am where I am in life. I'm not sure what I did to deserve so many amazing loved ones in my life, but I am happy that I have an ocean of friends and family to support me and laugh/drink/cry with.

But because the end of every year is full of lists, I will include one here, too. You may remember the visions I made for myself and my Year of Love. I was actually quite shocked when I revisited them. I had forgotten so much of what I set out to do in 2013.

1. Lose 20 lbs: Nope. Didn't happen. I'm still pretty sexy though.
2. Quit Smoking. For Good: This one was actually pretty good ... until I directed a show over the summer and all hell broke lose. Happy to say though that once that show opened and closed I was done. Pretty much.
3. Stop Biting Fingernails: See #2.
4. Take Salsa: This I did and I LOVE IT. I think the salsa dance is the perfect exercise for the "modern woman". There is something so freeing about letting the man be a man and lead me across the dance floor. To give up the control that I cling to so desperately in life. I still have some classes left on my card that I will carry over into 2014: The Year of No Fear (more on that later).
5. Meditate: This one was a lot less structured than I would have liked. I confess that I certainly didn't carve out quiet time in my day to slow down and meditate. But my capacity for thankfulness and spirituality certainly increased and this is another vision I will carry with me into the New Year.
6. CAREER!!!!: This is by far the most impressive change in my life. I received a hefty raise at my "money job". I directed several outstanding theatre pieces (to rave reviews) and I was able to observe a world renowned voice teacher in her final semester of teaching. I feel so much more prepared for teaching and I'm looking forward to finding that right opportunity that will kickstart me on the path towards the life I want.
7. Credit Card Debt: Oh, do we really have to talk about this one? Okay. So even though I received a significant raise, I was part-time all this Fall because of the observation. I counted every penny, but still had to charge rent this last month of 2013 and charge Christmas. So I have less debt than when I started 2013, but I didn't reach my goal. Not to be discouraged, this will carry over as well.
8. Build a New Home: Well, I wasn't able to move into my own place this year, but I did get two new roommates. I miss my "old" roommate desperately, but we've painted walls and rearranged furniture and I am excited for this new chapter in all of our lives.
9. Blog: Yeah. So, that happened. I wasn't as faithful as I would have liked. I think that the blog serves as a creative outlet when I don't have as many creative opportunities in my "real life" so when I'm directing/acting/teaching, the blog falls by the wayside. But I am going to try to continue with it as I think it is a good way for me to process all that is happening in my life and help me keep perspective on all that is important.

So as we say good-bye to 2013: Year of Love, we say hello to 2014: The Year of No Fear. Already in the works is a skiing trip to conquer the fear that developed after I took a tumble down a green and separated my shoulder on a youth group ski trip. Rounding out the list (so far) is learning to surf, taking archery lesson (in case of the zombie apocalypse) and finally writing my one-woman show.

I'm still planning on blogging about life, love and living without fear so feel free to check in once in a while.

All the best to you and yours for a prosperous and "take the world by storm" 2014!

XOXO
Me

One Director's Thoughts

The play that I've been working on since November opens tonight and I could not be more proud of the project and my entire cast and crew. Here are the "Director's Notes" that I composed for the program. 

One of my favorite writers once wrote, "Forever is composed of Nows". If I could edit Ms. Dickinson's words (although I would never claim to be as brilliant), I would say, "The FUTURE is composed of Nows". The life we live right now dictates what our future will hold. How we treat one another in this very moment will shape the culture and policies of our future world. And that's not just the world of the next generation. That's our world of next year, next month and even tomorrow. We all have, within us, the ability to affect the future and the opportunity to do so is right now. That's right. Right now as you're reading this. Turn to that person next to you (no, not the one you came with; the one on the other side), and just make eye contact and smile. That smile of, "Hey lady/man, my fellow human of this world. I got your back. If shit goes down tonight, I'll be there for you, I promise."

And that's all it takes. We're all in this together as a team. We, as a company of A Future Imperfect, have accepted the responsibility of taking care of one another and we extend that same attention to you. We hope that you will receive it and maybe, at some point in the next 80 minutes, feel inclined to return it. And even if you don't feel so inclined, that's okay. But you can still have ours. We'll never ask for it back.

Thank you for being here and for supporting live theatre.

Here's to all the people who create and put their heart and souls on display for the public. You are heroes. Please continue to create. The world needs to hear your voice. 

In All Areas

After this week's email fiasco, it has really hit me how important it is to treat everyone with respect and kindness in every moment. And not just what we say and do to them in person, but also what we say about them behind their backs and even what we think about them as well. Our thoughts become words and our  words become action. If we can change how we think about people and begin to think kindness and love over them, it will so quickly begin to change ourselves and our communities.

But I know that's easier said than done. Life is hard. It's especially difficult to think positively about everyone at all times when you live in a rat-infested cement jungle that constantly smells of piss and sewage. We get lost in our thoughts and struggles and sometimes we have a bad day. But no matter how bad it is for you, there is always someone who has it worse.

Even as we New Yorkers cram into subway cars and ignore each other by staring at our iPhones, there can still be moments of kindness. I've seen hundreds of them. A man gives up his seat for a mother and her child. One woman calls out to another woman as she's leaving the train because that woman has forgotten her purse. A young woman stays in her seat so as not to disturb her neighbor who has fallen asleep and is now leaning against her. As we struggle through this difficult and often devastating life, it's important to recognize these moments and celebrate them. It's what's gonna get us though. Together.

And because I love baseball, today I celebrate this young man and his act of kindness and generosity.

I Am More Than My Horse Face

I am currently directing a show for the NY International Fringe Festival. It's a big deal for all of us involved because we're very excited to have this level of exposure to our work. So yesterday, being the good promoter that I am, I sent an email to my professional contacts letting them know about the show. There were a bunch of contacts included in the email that are not in NY but I think it's important for people to know what I'm up to and to let people know that I'm also now directing. I get the following reply from a prominent Artistic Director in Kansas City:

"Remember her, wasn't she the one, horse face, in the thinks first show?"

At first I was shocked, then angry, but after about a minute I just started laughing. This old fart had replied to me when he clearly meant to forward it on to someone else. He had fucked up. Big time.

Of all the things that the Internet is good for, stupidity shaming is the best. I brainstormed all the ways I could  throw this back in the guy's face. I could write an open letter to the Kansas City theatre community or perhaps forward it on to the theatre critics in town and give them an inside scoop on how artistic directors treat the talent that work (or try to work) so hard for them. 

Instead, I decided to simply reply with my usual sassy wit and charm. 

"Hi {Artistic Director}!

I think you may have meant to send your email to someone else, and even though I don't know who you are referring to when you say "the thinks", I was in {theatre company}'s first show, {name of show}.

If you take a look at my website {inserted direct link to my professional website} you'll see a bunch of reviews and find other things I have been called besides "horse face". For that very show, {KC theatre critic} said I had a powerful voice and gave a big-hearted performance. {Another theatre reviewer} from {another KC paper} called my performance in 1776 with {another theatre company} "show-stopping". And while you may not know this, I've actually worked all over the country and been called, "bold", "sexy and smart", "daring", "electric", "a hoot", "a wonder", and even "enigmatic".

And {Artistic Director}, while I've got your ear, I do, in all seriousness, want to say thank you for all of your hard work over the years in bringing theatre to the Kansas City community. Since you now know that I am a director (and not just a horse-faced actress), I believe in creating opportunities for artists and telling stories well and honestly. I believe that it is important to create art and theatre wherever you are. It's in the theatre where lives can be changed and even saved. So thank you for all of your years of service to Kansas City. With theatres closing all over the country (and in Kansas City) it is important that you continue to thrive and create opportunities for artists in the community.

Thank you also for your support of newer companies like {"the things" company}. They, and artists like them, are the future of American theatre.

If you will be in NYC this August and would like to come see the show, please let me know and I will happily have two tickets waiting for you and a guest. If not, I wish you a happy and healthy August and all the best with your current and upcoming productions.

With admiration,
Me

I don't care that this old, gay dude thinks I have a "horse face". What I DO care about are the actors in Kansas City who want desperately to work for this man and put their artistic worth in his hands. Clearly this man has very little respect for actors or other artists creating theatre in Kansas City. If he holds this attitude of me, he certainly holds it of many more.

If I could do one thing, it would be to empower my fellow artists in Kansas City to start creating their own work. Don't allow the hostility and disrespect of people like this Artistic Director to affect how you view yourself or your talent. Yes, you need the money and his contracts are appealing; please continue to seek jobs at his thetare in order to feed your family. However, you don't have to rely on him to help you be an actor/musician/artist. YOU have the power to create theatre that is actually worth seeing, that challenges yourself, your peers and the entire Kansas City community. Don't settle for the same surface comedies and musicals over and over. Start writing that one-person show you've always wanted to write, adapt your favorite short story or poem. Gather your friends together and write that site-specific piece you've been talking about and do it in a coffee shop, a church, an apartment and invite the entire community, not just the privileged few who can afford $60 for a great buffet and a colorful comedy.

If Kansas City theatre is going to survive, if the American Theatre is going to survive, it's not because of people like this artistic director who settle for the same stories Kansas City has heard a hundred times before. It's because of you, the artists who do the actual work in telling the stories. You are worth more than this spiteful septuagenarian's opinion of you. Create your own work, tell your stories boldly, passionately and honestly and never, NEVER, for a second, give your power to an Artistic Director who has no respect for the work that you do or the person that you are.

Yes, Please. More of That

Every once in a while I have a perfect NYC night that reminds me why I am here at this very moment in my life. 

Tonight I saw my favorite drag queen in her NYC debut show. With me were some of my best gal (and gay) pals. I feel so fortunate to have found a community of like-minded people to share this crazy, horrible, wonderful journey with and I will forever be grateful for all that they teach me.

And on the train ride home, after trailing my hands down a disgustingly dirty subway handrail, a woman offered me a few drops of her Purell. I politely refused stating that I had some of my own. She said to me, "no worries. I just know how it is". We rode is silence for two stops and as I exited the train at my home station I said to good-bye and "have a good night" to her.

She replied, "you, too, sweetie."

I couldn't help but smile. I was struck with how random and wonderful this city truly is. I am thankful for her and for her kindness and generosity. I am thankful for my amazing friends and all of their beauty and talent. And I am thankful to live in a city that offers us the opportunity to experience all of this in one night.

Thank you, Universe/God/Fate for bringing all of this beauty and wonder into my life. I don't know what I did to deserve it, but I thank you for it. And all I do is to honor you. 

Greetings From Maine

I've been up in the woods of Maine for a few days now and despite the rainy weather and the ten too many tiny spiders in my room, I feel amazing. I've been at a voice workshop since Monday and feeling so great about myself, my life and the future that lies ahead. 

But getting ready this morning in the little mirror in my bedroom, I realized there are hardly any mirrors around. I haven't looked at the bottom half of myself since I left New York on Monday. In New York there are shops windows and subway doors that reflect my plump image back to me everywhere I turn. Here at this woodland retreat, I only catch my mirrored top half when I wash my hands in the bathroom. 

It's interesting that here, where I am studying what I love AND here there are so few reminders about all that I think is wrong with me, how much better I feel about myself. Here my self-worth is measured in my connections with the work I am doing and the relationships I am establishing with my fellow workshop members. 

This realization is incredibly freeing and I am hoping to carry this with me back to the city. 

Because I am more than my weight, more than my supposed imperfections. No shop window will ever be able to reflect all of the joy, intelligence, humor and love that I posses inside of me. 

Creation is Love

At a particularly low point in my life, I started The Artist's Way, a 12-week journey of exercises and exploration to help you unleash your inner creative self. I was looking for inspiration to help me continue to live the "NYC Actor" life. Instead, it made me realize all the other things I wanted in life. I immediately stopped auditioning and got a day job to earn the money that would help me make all of my other dreams come true. But that's not the point of this post. The point is that the author was encouraging all of us to embrace our own inner creator because the ultimate Creator loves us and wants us to continue His/Her work of creating.

That really struck me. I was created to create. I give thanks for being created by continuing to create. Creation is an act of love.

I use all the projects in my life (writing, directing, teaching) as a way to distract myself from finding love. But ultimately, all of these projects are love. I am creating something of myself and presenting it to the world. I am giving my love, thoughts, emotions and experience to others. And of course, there is the love that is exchanged between the other members of these projects. We open ourselves to each other, trust that our emotions and hearts will be accepted by and kept safe with these other people. And, at the end of it all, we hopefully walk away with some amazing friendships.

So I am not going to beat myself up for not pursuing love by scoping out dudes on OKCupid or going on countless speed dates. Instead I'm giving thanks that I have the opportunity to create and send love out into the world that way. And when the summer ends and things slow down, then I'll get back to finding just one person to give my love to. And hotdamn, he will be one lucky man. 

Better to Have

On Friday, I was GChattin with a gal pal of mine, just the usual get-us-through-Friday-afternoon stuff like pics of guys in suits or cute dogs. Out of nowhere, she dropped the bomb on me that she was harboring an intense hatred for her ex and regretted wasting her youth on someone as evil as he. I tried to talk her down with cliches like "it's better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all" and shit like that. But she wasn't convinced. And neither was I. 

I thought back to the relationships and pseudo relationships I've had. Do I feel that way about the guys to whom I've given my heart? Do I wish I would never have wasted a breath on them? Absolutely, 100%, not at all. 

All of those relationships have gotten me here to this moment. I really enjoy my life, all the places I've been and all of the crazy, beautiful people I've met along the way. And even though I am still single while many of these men are all married and white picket fence, I don't think I would have done anything differently. 

That's not to say I didn't hurt them or wasn't hurt by them. I can give you a list of the shit I've done out of confusion, spite, jelousy and down right stupidity. A boy from high school, a summer showmance, a man I met at a wedding, a good friend from grad school and enough Chicago improvisers to form a house team. I fell in love easily and fell hard. But I've learned something from each of these relationships. I know how I want to be treated and how to treat the next man I fall in love with. 

Sure, I'm still single and childless but I'm happy. I don't think I would be as happy or happier if things with any of these gentlemen had things turned out any differently. And I don't think they would be either. 

I don't think it's ever a waste to love someone no matter how badly it hurts at the end of it. Just be thankful for the time you've had with that person, wish them well and send them on their way. It's painful, but in the long run it's better to be grateful than hateful. And you can quote me on that!

Too Busy For Love

I'm juggling 5 projects at the moment on top of my money job (they're actually making me working at work these days. It's really weird). So lately I haven't been giving much thought to love or the pursuit of it. It's the excuse I've used for ... well, my whole life. I'm too busy for love. My career comes first. Who has time to date? Blah, blah, blah. When I'm working so hard on all of the things, why do I want add something else I have to work on. It's just too much. 

If someone wants to find a way to insert himself into my ... ahem ... life ... then by all means let him go for it. 

But for now, I'm just working hard on my projects, staying open to the people around me and trying to maintain a positive attitude (you know, like believing all this shit is worth it). I will find ways to show kindness to my fellow New Yorker and maybe smile at the people I accidentally make eye contact with (not in that cheesy dance team way. You know what I mean). In a few months, life will slow back down and I can return to my pursuit.

Le Sigh

A guy that I met at Speed Dating emailed me yesterday ...

(yay?)

... to sell me a weekend event with his networking company. Ugh. It is not okay to meet ladies under the guise of looking for love only to email them when you want to sell. them. something.

Boo. Bad form pal.

But totally indicative of my dating life right now.

Bravo, Mr. Collins!

We all deserve love in our lives and we all deserve to search for that love without fear of animosity or retaliation. I don't follow basketball much (expect for my home state Jayhawks!), so I've never seen or heard of Jason Collins before today. But I am so impressed with him and his beautifully eloquent coming out. 

I wish that all of us - gay, straight, bi, trans, man, woman, black, white, red, yellow, brown, pink and purple - could find as much bravery within ourselves to live our life so boldly and passionately. How good it must feel to speak the words you've been dying to speak for so long. To be able to say with confidence that this is who I am and this is what I want.

You can read his fantastic article here. Oh, and just look how beautiful he is! So proud and happy, that light shining from within. Lucky is the man who gets to spend a life with Mr. Collins.

For as happy as I am for Jason, I am amazed that it has taken this 34 year old so long to discover and proclaim who he truly is. But of course, I realize that it has taken me (also 34) just as long and I am still searching. I don't have a national platform with which to herald my true self, but what would I say if I did have a national magazine ready to print my hopes, dreams and desires. Even if I don't have that, isn't every day a chance to proclaim my life as MINE. To unabashedly say without fear that this is who I am and this is what I want! 

Why wait until I lose 20 lbs or pay off that debt or get another job or get my own apartment or, like Mr. Collins, a national tragedy reminds me how precious and fleeting life is?

So what is it? What is that one thing that I am (you are) denying that, once revealed, would help me live the life I always dreamed was possible, the life I know I am (you are) meant to lead? Can we find the bravery to show ourselves for who we truly are and love ourselves enough to never fear the retaliation for proclaiming our true selves?

Thank You?

On a train ride home last week, a guy walked all the way from the other side of the train to stand right in front of me. He was just staring at my legs in my brown knee high boots and as we pull into the station he says to me "I think I'm attracted to you." And then, as he's making this big round shape with his hands he says, "You're really healthy. I like that."

"Thank you," I say. I mean, really, what else can I say?

He gets of the train and that was it. 

It's nice to know that there are some men in NYC who appreciate what I'm working with.

Like a Band-Aid

In a fit of boredom/anger/desperation last week, I deleted my profiles from ALL of the online dating sites I apathetically frequented: OKCupid, match.com, Christian Mingle, eHarmony. Done. With all of them. And to tell you the truth, I've never felt better. It kind of feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. No longer do I feel obligated to login and run a search of potential mates or respond to a jackbag's eloquently penned message of "hey". I'm left with tons more time now to do .... something, who knows.

But the problem is, online dating is kind of how New Yorkers find each other. When a gal pal says that she's engaged, chances are she met him on match.com. Another gal pal gets a new beau and where'd she meet him? OKCupid. We don't bother talking to people here in NYC. We put our earbuds in, crank up the music and actively ignore each other. And if you do happen to accidentally make eye contact with another person, you're greeted with a look of fear and distrust. It's so much easier to search for people online and send them a two-word greeting from the safety of your living room couch.

But the easiest way is not always the most rewarding way. So I'm taking it to the streets. Yup. I'm actually going to break out of my comfort zone and talk to a flesh and blood male. Well, I actually have no trouble talking to real life males, I talk to them all the time. But I'm suggesting chatting with one I might actually be attracted to and not just the parking lot attendant across the street who I say hello to every morning. 

And who cares if I get rejected because the dude has a girlfriend or he finds me repulsive. Whatever. At least I did it. And the next one will be that much easier and the following one even easier. And before you know it, I will be picking up men left and right. 

Sounds like fun. 

Boston

I don't have much to say about yesterday's tragedy in Boston that hasn't already been said much more eloquently than I could have imagined. But what I will say is that it's in times like these that I am fiercely thankful for my family, friends, my community and my country. There is a lot that is broken, but there is so much more that is right. People running TOWARDS the explosion to help. People coming out in droves to donate blood. Thousands offering prayers, well-wishes and thoughts of hope and encouragement. 

I've only been to Boston twice. The first as child on my family's "American History" vacation and the other as an adult with my sorority sisters (the two trips were extremely different as you can imagine). But I do know a lot of people from Boston (originally froms or transplants) and they are a fiery, loyal, generous people. I am saddened that this happened to their community, but I know that they will persevere and come through the other side stronger, more resilient and more patriotic than ever. 

All I can offer in this situation is love. It's my default emotion in any catastrophic event and I firmly believe it's the only way to heal. Send it to your family and friends as a reminder of what they mean to you. Send it to the running community whose sense of security was shattered. Send it to the families of those killed or injured. Send it to the aid workers fighting to save lives. Send it to the law enforcement agents who are working tirelessly to track down the person responsible. Send it to the family of the person responsible. Hell, even send it to the person responsible so that he or she may realize the severity of his/her actions, take the full weight of that responsibility and turn his/her own hatred and vengence into a power for positive, non-violent change.

But above all send it to yourselves.  Please be gentle with yourselves today and everyday. And if you feel like you need a little love, send me a note. I'm always happy to listen and send love and encouragement across the miles.

 

"If You Can't Love Yourself ....

How in the hell you gonna love somebody else? Can I get an 'AMEN!'" ~ RuPaul

For the past four months, I've been contemplating love and how I can make myself available for "the one". But I'm starting to think that this journey is so much more than that. I think maybe it's about changing my heart to find more love for myself. 

Don't get me wrong, I think I'm pretty great. I know who I am and what I want out of life, but there are certain destructive areas of my life that are holding me back from full self-acceptance and love. 

I wrote that one of my visions for 2013 was to lose 20lbs and this was for the expressed purpose of being hot enough for someone to deem me datable. Being fat has been a great way to keep myself isolated and safe. The literal layers between myself and another human being have been the constant, single reason for "everything wrong in my life". But working out and dieting just to be "hot" has never been a good motivator for me (or else I'd already be smoking hot).

When I start looking at the reasons why I'm fat, it really does boil down to a general loathing of myself and my body. Why else would I continue to put fried, greasy, fattening foods or chemically processed convenience and diet foods into my body when I know they do nothing to nourish the one and only thing that will be with me through my entire life?! I put more energy and thoughtfulness into what I feed my dog than what I feed myself. And while I love her a lot, shouldn't I at least grant myself the same consideration?

What could be possible if I begin to love and nourish myself physically as well emotionally and spiritually?! If I love and respect myself as much as I say I do, I could prove it by becoming more loving and mindful about how I take care of myself. And there's no time like the present!

Another Dream

Last night, I dreamt that one of my friends, who, in real life, kind of has my dream job, got a beautiful new house and she was giving me the tour. The windows were big and sparkly clean and looked out onto a clear, sunny day. However, I was really concerned because all of the windows (and the front door) were either wide open or unlocked. Then a detective came by (you know, like they do) and I don't really remember much after that.

You know how much I like to interpret dreams, so here it goes:

"To see a window in your dream signifies bright hopes, vast possibilities and insight. To dream that you are looking out the window signifies your outlook on life, your consciousness and your point of view. It also refers to your intuition and awareness. You may be reflecting on a decision."

"To see an opened door in your dream symbolizes your receptiveness and willingness to accept new ideas/concepts."

So I am looking out onto clear, sunny possibilities and reflecting on a decision. The open door represents my readiness to accept the new possibilities. But in the dream I was really scared/concerned because the windows and door was open. So in my waking life I'm ready, but scared shit-less.

"To see a detective in your dream signifies the thrills and dangers in some aspect of your waking life."

So not scared without reason. These new possibilities are frightening and I'm not sure I'm ready for them.

"... dreaming of a friend indicates positive news."

I've been working this whole year to open myself up to possibilities and it's like my subconscious is warning me that these possibilities are about to happen. Okay, so I better get it together quickly, my friends!

Time Away

This weekend I went upstate with a friend to visit her family and celebrate the accomplishments of her younger brother. It was so generous of them to allow me to become an honorary member of the family for a few days. Watching them interact made me realize how, at the heart of everything, all families are the same. They're made up of the jokesters, the quiet ones and the ones that always want to pay for everything. There is always drama and heartache but there is always love.

Being with her family made me deeply miss my own. People move to New York to pursue their dreams and find themselves. And I am certainly doing that. I just hope that it all pays off. That when I look back, I will feel like it was the right decision and not mourn the lost time with my family.

As my parents get older, I know I should be soaking up every precious moment with them. Can I really do that from thousands of miles away?

This weekend, it really hit me just how important family is. That no matter what happens between mother and father, father and daughter, brother and sister, working towards forgiveness, love and joy is absolutely necessary. Because at the end of the day, sometimes family is all that we have. And all that really matters.

Spring Has Sprung?

We've sprung forward, vernally equinoxed and Easter has come and gone. It's officially spring, but you'd never fucking know it! Us New Yorkers are still bundled up against the bitter wind and about ready to go crazy. I'm feeling spring fever this year in a way I've never felt before. I'm ready for warmer weather, to shed these winter layers and flirt with all the boys. Yes, friends. Moody is feeling frisky.

Maybe it's the long winter, this project of "Love in 2013" or the simple fact that this girl's clock is a-tickin', but damn, I am feeling the spring mating season way down deep in my lady parts. Guy friends that I've never found attractive are suddenly sexy as hell. I am purposely catching the eyes of gentlemen on the street. I'm feeling smokin' hot in all of my clothes and I haven't even shed a single pound. 

I'm still balancing this desire for a significant other with my apathy for dating and I still feel like its time to chill on "the hunt" for a bit. But I think, in the meantime, I will continue to sashay my hips down the streets of NYC, be fun and flirty with no agenda and just enjoy the coming spring!

Sick of It

I've caught my annual Spring Allergy Sinus Attack and feeling like my head might explode at any moment has put me in a funk. An "I feel bad about myself and everything I haven't accomplished" funk. 

It's already April! How is that possible!? Three full months I've been at this new journey towards love, and well, I don't really feel like I'm anywhere closer to it or any of my visions than I was on December 31st. 

I lost about 3lbs only to gain another 5. I had long, beautiful nails until I got stressed about life and gnawed three of them off. I've had about four too many cigarettes (which averages out to about one per month. That's not too too awful, right?). I've found a lot of great excuses as to why I can't fit salsa dancing into my schedule. And meditation? What's that? The only two visions I can say are on track are my credit cards and this blog (ugh, don't even get me started on my career). 

So with all this work that I still have to do on myself, how is there any time to fit in a relationship? Maybe I just need to chill out with that whole thing, because with all of this "self-improvement" I can't possibly fit in time for a significant other.

I'm finding myself unmotivated to pursue any of the gentlemen from the Speed Date and I don't want to subject myself to anymore of this OKCupid nonsense. So what if I actually do what everyone tells me to do? Just stop looking for it. Work on myself. Find more ways to love myself and the people around me and eventually the universe will help me make space for that right person.

SpeedDateSecondDate #2

Last night, I went on what should have been a really great date. He called me a few days ago (actually called, not just texted) and we had a really easy, light-hearted conversation. He totally took the reigns and planned a fun night of pool playing, so I was really excited to meet him and get to know him. 

We had fun playing (well, he played. I just knocked the balls around the table with no real strategy whatsoever) and we laughed a lot as we were getting to know each other. But then at some point everything changed and he started to get very forward, almost aggressive. And not in a scary way, but in this "oh, he's latched on and now we're together" sort of way. He's planning all of these future dates for us based on the places in NYC I haven't been to yet (which is admittedly a lot and he's now made it his mission to educate me). I mean, it's fine. Whatever. He has initiative and is invested. I appreciate that. 

But then, because he's decided that we're a thing, he's rubbing up on me and trying to kiss me. I get it, I'm irresistible, but dude! I've known you all of 45 minutes, back up off me! And since you've made me reject you, now it's unnecessarily awkward all because I don't want to make out with a stranger in a public place!

And then as we were leaving, I went to open the door, he blurts out, "No, no, no. Hold on!" I thought maybe I had zoned out and was exiting through a security door or something! Oh no. He just wanted to open the door for me. Fine. But dude, chill out! If my hands are already on the door, don't "correct" me just so you can show me how chivalrous you are!!?!  I appreciate kindness, but I CAN open a door for myself. ***Side note: I understand why women are frustrating and confusing because, when it comes to opening doors, men are damned if they do, damned if they don't. But I honestly don't care. Whoever is at the door first, open it and then hold it open for the people behind you. Done. And PLEASE, do not reposition me as we're walking down the sidewalk so you can walk on the car side. Thank you for your thoughtfulness, but I walk the streets of NYC all the time by myself. I got this. Don't make it a thing!

*Deep Breath*

So ... all of this got me thinking about eagerness in dating. About this time last year, one of my guy friends tried to make out with me in a bar even after I told him multiple times I just wanted to be friends. He persisted in his aggressiveness and ended up creating a lot of drama. I got the same feeling last night. I know that it's important to make our intentions clear and be direct with what we want. But can't you just calm down and get to know me first before you start getting all handsy and trying to push your tongue down my throat? When did we decide that it was okay to just jump straight into making out with anyone we're interested in without permission or regard for how he or she is feeling?

Or am I just becoming a prude in my older age? I can remember a time in my 20s when getting bombed and making out by a pool table on a first date would have been AWESOME! But now, since I'm not really looking for Good-time Charlie anymore, that kind of behavior just seems irresponsible, immature and all kinds of awkward. 

Or maybe it's much more simple than that. Maybe I'm just not into this guy. If it had been someone I WAS really into, maybe I would have LOVED his forwardness and been totally down for a little poolside tonsil hockey.  But as it stands now I feel uncomfortable and unwilling to give him a second chance. My pal, TLC, suggested that since I did have a nice time with him before he went in for the kill, maybe I just meet him for coffee or lunch during the workday. A timed event with no possibility of Romeo trying to take it too far. 

Is that even worth it? We'll see.

PS - I just re-read my own blog post "Write It Off". Sigh. Okay, fine.

The First

I went on the first of my Speed Date Second Dates last Thursday. We both admittedly couldn't remember the other person very well - I couldn't remember his face, but I remembered what we talked about and he had no idea what we discussed but he remembered my smile. We knew that we were initially interested in learning more about each other so we agreed to meet. 

He picked a beautiful hotel bar in Midtown and I met him there after work. He was there first and already drinking a rather girly martini. No judgements. Those things are tasty and can really knock you on your ass. I settled for red wine since the bar had a great wine menu (which relieved me since I've discovered that, in my older age, vodka makes me angry. But that's another story for another time).

Conversation flowed easily. We talked about the Myers-Briggs test which, thanks to our  iPhones and Google, we discovered that, except for the E and I part, we are exactly the same. Side note: why are people so adamant about using this test nowadays as a gauge for whether or not they're compatible with another human being? It just seems like a more acceptable version of astrology. A person's entire personality is summed up in one easily recognizable category and based on that you decide whether or not they're worth pursuing. Instead of "Oh, you're a Scorpio? I can never date a Scorpio." It's now, "I'm only compatible with ENTPs". 

Anyway.

While I had a great time with him, I really only got a friend vibe from the evening. Don't get me wrong, a gal can always use more friends and I would definitely go out with him again. But based on the tiny text exchange afterwards, I doubt I will hear from him in the future. And that's okay. I feel great about meeting him and I have no regrets. 

So on to the next ....

The Run Down

I know you've all been waiting patiently for the update on my Speed Dating adventures, so I apologize that I've been neglecting you. I was in an all-week training and blah, blah, blah. But enough excuses. Here we go.

I was super excited, but really nervous. When you've been single as long as I've been, you really start to believe that there is something wrong with you. The reason you are single is because you are unattractive, uninteresting and generally unappealling all around

And as soon as that first bell rang, I really wondered what I had gotten myself into. My first "date" was no date. Yeah, apparently some dudes came late so a few of us ladies were dateless. Awesome. So I tried to calm down and not swallow my wine in one gulp and just patiently wait for the next date ....

.... Who flat out told me he had a wife and kids!! Okay, I get that there are all kinds of relationships out there, but Dude! DON'T come to a singles event expecting anyone to be interested in that shit. Any single woman in her 30s who comes to Speed Dating is not looking to be your third or your mistress. Go find an event for that and stop wasting my time.

Once I shook off the disastrous start, I started to have a lot of fun. A lot of the guys commented on my beautiful smile, how easy it was to chat with me and that I seemed like a lot of fun. Okay, so not a complete troll.

There were a few other moments that made say, "huh?" One guy sat down and started grilling me. "Are you in sales? Are you in marketing? Have you ever been married? Do you have any kids?" When I answered no to all of the above, he seemed to breathe a sigh of relief. For him, apparently, the ladies had looked unfavorably on him because he's never been married. Come on ladies! Be grateful there's no ex-wife or alimony you have to deal with.

Then there was the super shy librarian who I thought might honestly crumble into a million tiny pieces if a strong breeze came through the bar. (My friend compared him to Milton from Office Space) It was difficult to pry answers out of him, but once he admitted that he finds it hard to trust people, we had a nice, open conversation. Unfortunately, I didn't pick him because let's be honest, I could steam roll this guy and if you've read any of my blog posts up until now, you've probably gathered that I need a man who can stand up to me.

The guys were really interested in the fact that I used to be an actress ("Have you been in anything I would have seen?") including one guy who used his entire three minutes to re-enact his favorite moments from The Big Bang Theory. A bunch of the others wanted to know all about my tattoo and apparently having a tattoo means you're a total tiger in the sack because some of them were not-so-appropriate once they saw it.

But the night ended with two guys out-rightly expressing their interest and I was matched up with four others the next day.

So I feel good about the whole experience. I would definitely recommend it to anyone and everyone (except that dude with a wife and kids). In NYC, it can be difficult to meet new people, so this was a great way to hear different stories, feel new energies, and step out of my comfort zone.

It was a great confidence booster, too. I recognize that I'm not a completely disgusting slob. That I am an interesting person with her shit together (for the most part). There's no need to freak out about being single, because I am a catch and if I keep putting myself out there, eventually someone as equally as wonderful will snatch me up!

Moment of Truth

Well, today is the day of the big experiment called Speed Dating. I have no idea what to expect, how many people I am going to meet or what I'm even going to talk about. Sure, I've run through the scenarios of various questions, but it could all change once there is a living, breathing human being in front of me.

Also, oh my gosh, what if some floozy is wearing my same dress!? I will be mortified. I just hope I win the "Who wore it better?"

At the very least, I will get a free drink and a chance to practice some conversational skills. And hopefully a funny story or two.

Really?!

I know I'm going out on a limb here, but if a guy says in his very first message to you that he is "not a creeper", he is most definitely a creeper. 

The Plunge

I've done it. I've signed up for Speed Dating! This is probably the most proactive I've been in the search for a mate since ... well ... ever. Because let's face it, having an OKCupid profile and searching through available men is about productive as watching caged monkeys at the zoo (only slightly less entertaining).

So on Saturday, my gal pal and I will get all gussied up and head to the bar (thank god there are free drinks) to meet anywhere from 30 to 50 men. I will have only 3 minutes with each of them. So how do you make the most of those three minutes? Well, I just flat out asked Google, "What are good speed dating questions?" and you can imagine the hundreds or responses that came at me. 

I really liked this one from AskMen: Top 10: Speed Dating Questions. These questions really get at the heart of a person and what is important to him or her. I mean, sure I want to ask things like "Do you believe in God?", "Do you want to have kids?", "Are you careful with your money?", because these are important qualities to me, but these are incredibly off-putting questions to ask someone in the FIRST THREE MINUTES of knowing them (they're also awful because they are also just "yes or no" questions).

One guy friend suggested I ask, "What kind of doughnut are you?" and while that sounds silly, it actually could be quite insightful. I mean, I'm a glazed doughnut, because even though I'm simple and seemingly plain, once you have a bite of my sugary fatness, you're going to be addicted and coming back for more.

See?

So this week is all about brainstorming questions and answers. Feel free to help a sister out!

The Dream

I had a dream last night that I witnessed all of Lower Manhattan, all the way up to Midtown, being destroyed by a tsunami. I was not in a position to be harmed by the wave so I wasn't scared, but I was obviously very interested and concerned by the devastation. I woke up with the images in my head and I keep coming back to them throughout my morning.

So I decided to look up what these images might mean. Here's what I found ...

Flood: To dream that you are in a flood represents your need to release some sexual desires. If the flood is raging, then it represents emotional issues and tensions. Your repressed emotions are overwhelming you. Consider where the flood is for clues as to where in your waking life is causing you stress and tension.

Tsunami: To see a tsunami in your dream means that you are being overwhelmed by some repressed feeling or subconscious material that is rising up to the surface.

Hmm ... well, I'm a single woman in her mid-30s, so the first thing the flood represents is not a total shocker. But all the rest about the repressed emotions is interesting. "Consider where the flood is for clues" as to what is causing me "stress and tension". Ha! Well, Manhattan ...

So maybe there is something I'm not being honest with myself about. I'm repressing an emotion and clearly it's effecting me more than I realize. However, the problem with repressed emotions is that they're excluded from your consciousness. So you can't really work on something that you don't know is there.

I suppose for now, I'll just sit and wait. Maybe I'll have another dream that will give me a hint!