Letting Go

There is a man in my life who I have had an on-and-off thing with for approximately eight years. We get along really well, have a great time with each other and can be open and honest about our feelings. The only problem is that he lives all the way across the country. In the eight years we've known each other we've only been in each other's presence a handful of times. 

I was able to see him this past weekend (the weekend of skiing fearlessness!) and it was as if no time had passed at all; we picked up right where we had left off. It felt so comfortable and easy that I kept thinking, "Why aren't we in a relationship?". I never brought this up to him because the timing never felt right. Then it hit me as I was driving to the airport to fly back to NYC, "Why am I holding on to the idea that we should be?" After all this time if I haven't made a move and he hasn't made a move then maybe the timing will never be right. To keep holding out hope that he and I could some day make it work and figure out a way to be together is really holding me back. I'm missing out on opportunities that could be right in front of my face because my thoughts, heart and energy are a thousand miles away. 

I'm afraid that if I let him go, I will lose the opportunity to someday be with him, that he will eventually find someone else and I will look back in twenty years with regret and wonder "what if?" But that fear of letting him and the idea of "us" go, is exactly what is holding me back from becoming the woman/partner/lover/mother/teacher I am supposed to be. And in some way, my fears are holding him back, too. 

So when I got home to NYC I gave it a good ponder, took a deep breath and called him. I will spare you the boring details, but it was an honest conversation about what each of us is actually able to give the other person. I decided that it was time move on and let "us" go. After we hung up the phone, I cried ... a lot ... but I don't think it was because I was feeling sadness. I think I was feeling relief. All the anxiety I had about my feelings for him and wondering how he felt about me and all the confusion and restlessness were gone. For the first time, I wasn't freaking out over all the things we could possibly someday have together. I was able to just appreciate and be thankful for what we actually did have. My only regret is that I didn't give us the opportunity to let go sooner. 

The Mountaintop

I am in an airplane right now somewhere over Nebraska or Kansas (Hi mom!) on my way to Denver. Tomorrow I will face my fear of skiing and the panic attacks have hit in full force. Not helping one bit was the phone call last night from the aforementioned mother. I could tell that she was distracted and not telling me what was on her mind. So I flat out asked her "What are you worried about?" "The skiing," she says. "Just learn from your mother's mistake. I went off once without an instructor and was stuck at the top of hill I couldn't get down. I was really up a creek and went down the slope on my backside". I promised her that I would not wander off from the group and I would avoid all trees.

But for other reasons unrelated to winter sports, I am really feeling that panic of being at the top of the hill unable to get down. In a few hours, I will also have a phone interview for a teaching position at a university (my first!). And this is perhaps more frightening than throwing myself down a mountain. Even when I got the email last week requesting the interview, it took me five hours to reply to the email because I was paralyzed by fear. Here is a chance to do what I have wanted to do since I left Chicago in 2005 to get my terminal degree. And when faced with that opportunity, I don't want it. Instead of immediately replying "Yes! Any time is great!", I stare blankly at the computer while thousands of self-depricating thoughts race through my mind. Right in front of me is what I've wanted for so long and it frightens me.

I'm afraid that I will look like a fool. That my answers will be stupid. That they will wonder why they wasted their time on me. That I will suddenly realize that I can't do this, that I'm not cut out for this, I'm not smart/talented/witty/clever enough to have the job I want. Or worse that I will actually get what I want and more will be required of me than I am able to give. Or even worse than that, I'm stuck in a position that doesn't make me as happy as I thought it would and now what do I do with my life!?!?

After freaking out to my buddy McC over Gchat for a bit (okay a lot. He's a saint), I finally replied and set the ball rolling. I reached out to professor friends for any and all potential interview questions and I formulated my responses. I researched the school and the curriculum and the current professors, my potential colleagues. But none of it makes me feel at ease. I'm still stuck at the top of the mountain ready to cry because I don't see any way down to safety.

But that safety of never putting myself in a position of failure is a trap. To never pursue opportunity is safe and comfortable and I would never have to endure the pursed lips, tight throat and raging stomach of self-doubt and fear. I could continue at my day job making a lot of money but never being truly fulfilled or making the difference that I want to and know I can make.

So what is the worst things that can happen? I bomb the interview. I tumble down the mountain on my backside. But I will be wearing a helmet, so how much damage can really be done? (Don't answer that!). I will stand up and brush myself off. The bruises will heal and I will learn valuable lessons for the next run. 

Athleticism

For a "chubby" girl, I am actually quite athletic. I played many sports when I was younger and was a dancer on the Pom Pom squad. Even though I was never a "trained dancer", I had a natural talent that helped me keep up with the best of them. But for some reason since those high school and college days, I have allowed myself to believe that athleticism was for other people and not me. While other friends trained for marathons and triathlons, I jokingly sneered that I was training for drinkathons and would only run if chased. 

But when I started to make my list of things I "feared" the majority of my list was athletic activity. Skiing, 5Ks, Tough Mudder, surfing, ice skating. I'm not sure when I allowed these activities to be reserved for the hotter/faster/stronger, but that attitude has put me in a mindset of "can't do". Friends go on skiing trips and I say, "I can't do that. I separated my shoulder on the bunny slope in the 8th grade and have never been back." My friends sign up for a ridiculous 5K fun run that even has a beer at the finish line and I say, "oh, there's no way I can run for 3 miles." It's kept me on the sidelines and out of the fun. 

So from here on out I'm banishing "can't do" from my vocabulary and replacing it with "haven't tried yet". I am treating myself to a ski trip at the end of February and my only goal is to not break myself. The flight is booked, the lesson is booked and the gear is all rented! I'm not gonna lie, I am nervous as hell. It scares the shit out of me, but that's exactly how I know that it's what I need to be doing.

I started a Couch to 5K program and I'm now in week 5 of that sucker. Yep, I am actually running which I'm sure for anyone who actually knows me is quite a shock. What's more? I'm really starting to like it. And on top of that, my gal pals and I have signed up for a mud race/obstacle course in May!

Later this year I will also tackle surfing (yep, they have surfing here in NYC), archery (because you need to be prepared in a zombie apocalypse) and ice skating. Ice skating is the biggest fear of all. I've always had an irrational fear that I will fall and someone will run over my fingers and slice them off. No idea where that one came from but I haven't been ice skating since I was 13. But GD it! I'm gonna do it!

No more "I can't do" only "I'm gonna do" from here on out!

Fat Girl

I wrote about this last year as one of my visions for 2013, but I think the main reason that this vision was never realized was, well, you guessed it, my fear kept me from taking the steps I needed to make the vision a reality.

For a long time, perhaps my entire life since puberty, I have believed that I am fat. (This is not up for debate. Whether or not I really am is not the point. What only matters here is my belief and how that belief controls my life. I'm looking at you, McC) This belief has influenced my outlook on just about everything in life. It's the reason I'm not cooler, more fashionable, more successful in my acting career, the reason that I am still single at fucking 35. It's the reason why I am and never will be in love. 

I could sit here and talk about how my familial relationships shaped this idea or how my last relationship led me to believe there was something wrong with me, that maybe if I had been skinnier or prettier he wouldn't have cheated on me. But I don't think it helps to dwell on the past or blame other people for my current situation. It's time to move forward and the only thing I can change is my own attitude. 

It's my fear that keeps me fat. If I keep this layer if blubber around me then I am safe. I won't have to let anyone else in. It's everyone else's problem then. "See? It's their fault! They can't look past this gelatinous exterior to the amazingly awesome person I am." And if I can keep them at a distance, then I will never get hurt. But that fear of getting hurt is exactly what keeps me hurting. By focusing on that fear, on what might happen, I'm actually manifesting it into being.

Thoughts become action. 

So what is it I fear about getting as healthy as I know I can be? Is it the fear of losing sleep to wake up that extra hour to get to the gym? I have no problem losing an hour of sleep on the other end to a directing project or spending quality time with friends. What's the difference? I don't know yet. But I do know that if I become smoking hot, I will have to deal with attention, buy new clothes, deal with a new me and a new life. My life will change. And change is hard.

Or maybe it won't. Maybe I will change all if this and still be single, frustrated, alone. Maybe I will have to come to terms with the fact that the cause of all my frustration is not the one thing I've held onto for 20 years, but something else entirely. Something much scarier, a bigger mountain I may not be able to climb. That is a possibility, sure. Nothing is impossible. But right now that possibly scarier thing is a figment of my imagination. Something I'm conjuring to justify my fears. I grew out of being afraid of the monster under my bed because it didn't make sense to fear imaginary things. Because there was never a monster under my bed. So maybe this mountain isn't there either.

The only real tangible outcome of me getting my ass to the gym is that I will become stronger and healthier. What is there to fear in that? 

The Year of No Fear

So why a year of no fear? Well, I reached what is essentially the beginning of middle age (No joke. It's younger than you think) and realized there are so many things I haven't tried yet. And why is that? Because somewhere along the way I convinced myself (or allowed someone to convince me) that I couldn't do it. And I no longer want to think that I am limited in any way or there is anything out there that I can't do. 

It's only been nine days into this new year and already I'm floored by how many sneaky ways fear infiltrates my life. Suppose you're sitting at the bar waiting for a friend. What is the first thing you do? Well, I'm embarrassed to say it, but after I order my drink, I pull out my phone and start tapping away. Why? Fear. Fear of my environment, talking to someone new, or, Heaven forbid, that someone will see me by myself and think "she's alone which means she's single which means she has no friends which means no one loves her and she will die alone" so let me give myself something to do so it looks like "Yes, I do have friends and loved ones and lead a very important life!!!!" That's a ridiculous spiral, I know, but there is a lot of truth in it. And this example may seem small ("It's not like you're talking about jumping out of a plane, Moodylicious"), but it is a symptom of larger disease. 

I have lived what I have thought is a pretty fearless life. I can pack up my bags and move to a new city with no job or contacts in the area. Sounds exciting to me. I have no problem speaking or singing in front of people. Bring it on. I love it. But I know that there are still dreams I have yet to accomplish and for all of my hard work and determination, I still feel so far away from achieving them. 

So let's try something new. Let's look at what might be in my way. And I know that the answer is not in anything "out there". It's all in here, inside my head and heart. And until I have the courage to face these fears (or just say fuck it and do it anyway), I won't be able to live up to all of amazing possibilities the Universe has waiting for me.