And It Wasn't So Bad

Well, I actually had a good time on my date. I went back to work with a big smile on my face. Not because I think there's a love connection, but because that was the first online date that wasn't awful. I genuinely enjoyed meeting someone new.

He is not at all what I go for and I'm not all that attracted to him, but in an effort to not discount people and miss out on something potentially great, I will go out with him again.

I'm not going to put all my eggs in his basket though. Tonight I will find a few guys on OKC and send them a message. I'm keeping my options open and putting myself out there!

Showtime!

So ... I have a date today.

Yeah, it's a guy from online and he's not at all what I usually go for, but I'm excited nonetheless. We're going on a simple afternoon coffee date, so it's low pressure. And since it's on my lunch hour, there is a definite out if it's a total shit show.

But it's not going to be.

We're going to remain positive, remember? And we're going to keep an open mind and not totally discount him at every little "say what?!" Who knows. He may be "the one", he may turn out to be a good friend or he may just be good practice. Either way, I'm getting free coffee and that's always a good thing. 

It's Like Auditioning

I met a gal back in 2011 who was fresh out of a divorce and blowing up OKCupid like it was her job. She was/is an actress and she looked at these online dates like they were auditions. You go on as many as you can, do your best in the room and then when it's over, let it go. If you get a callback, great. If not, that's okay, too. You're just not right for the role.

When I was a professional actor, I was amazing at auditioning and keeping track of everyone I auditioned for and following up. I had no fear or shame in networking and pursuing an artistic director with whom I wanted to have a relationship. So what's the difference in dating? I'm not suggesting I keep the same detailed records of the jokers on these dating sites, but maybe I could put myself out there with the same passion and joy that I used to with my career.

Challenge: jump back into online dating (because that's how people in NYC meet each other) and message five guys a week. That's doable right?

Write It Off

I wrote this a few weeks ago after an online date cancelled on me. I was at brunch with a friend and when I got the text, I proceeded to knock back mimosas. Quickly. So this embarrassing bit of drivel was written on the drunken subway ride home.

My first date in I don't know how many months ends in this text message ... "Hey, I woke up with strep throat. Can we reschedule?" Oh really? Do you have a doctor in your apartment to swab you AND do a culture hours before you and I are to meet up to find out that you do indeed have this contagious disease? Wow. You're lucky. I wish all my dates had doctors on the ready to decipher if they may or may not be able to pass on to me some sort of disgusting (probably totally false) disease to me.

Good luck with all of that. I hope you feel better.

And for the record, never bother to call me or text me again since you don't have the decency to give me an actual honest reason why you don't want to meet me.

Okay ... 

So clearly I have some anger/trust issues to work through.

My friend LRo, who is so amazingly positive and full of hope, immediately chastised me for my negativity in writing this guy off. "Moods, EVERYONE is getting sick!" It's true, there is a gross plague going around. "Give this guy another chance."

So when the dude texted me later that week, I responded that "Sure, I'd love to reschedule." But I haven't. And not because I'm pissed or anything. I just don't care anymore. I'm no longer interested.

Why is it so easy to write people off after one little slip up? I've heard and said it all. "He didn't open the car door.""He drinks White Zinfandel" "He wore socks when we had sex." "He seemed mildly autistic." "He wore flip flops." "He thrust a tea strainer in my face and told me he put his 'dreams' inside because it was his 'Dream Diffuser'".

I really do wish some of the guys who have dumped me or never called me back would have told me the reasons they wrote me off. I can only imagine. "She bites her finger nails. "She has stubby toes" "Her teeth are too big." "She ordered a cheeseburger AND fries." "She laughs too loud." "She totally biffed it on the sidewalk." (That last one's probably true. I am quite clumsy.)

I'm sure I would be hurt and offended if I really knew their actual reasons for shunning me after only one date. Because one date is not a measure of who this person is. Sure, sometimes there just isn't a spark, but one little slip up shouldn't be the reason we totally discredit a person's worth. Am I free from mistakes? Have I never gotten sick? Have I never made a bad fashion choice? Or chosen a White Zin because sometimes you just want something light and refreshing, damnit!

So my challenge: keeping an open mind. Giving people a chance, and maybe even a second chance. Do not totally discredit a person just because he wears a brown belt with black shoes. Because, obvs, I would never do that ...

The Difference a Year Makes

A year ago today, on this last Friday in January, I was hit by a car on my way to work. This morning, I've been a little emotional and anxious thinking back to that day. Every single time I leave my apartment and cross my street (and that's not a hyperbole, folks), I remember that moment that I glanced to my right and the car was already upon me. I also vividly recall that split second between the car striking me and my head slamming into the pavement; that complete surrender to God's will that this was my last moment on Earth. "This is happening" was all I said. What a weird thought to potentially be my last.

There was much chaos that ensued, some heartwarming and some hilarious. You can read my full account here if you'd like. I wrote it about a week after the accident for my coworkers (they love juicy details, those blood suckers).

But what I remember most about that day is the amount of love that was showered upon me. From my neighbors that ran to my need, to the friend who picked me up at the hospital and brought me a fresh change of clothes. And all of the friends that rallied around me the rest of the day and that weekend, helping me face the world again. To them, I am forever grateful.

And I am thankful for this extra year. I have no idea why God spared my life, but I'm simply trusting that there is a reason,. That I was put on this Earth to do great things and my work is simply not yet finished.

A Witch's Titty

Holy Hell! It's cold in NYC. When I lived in Chicago, it would be like this for months. I would stand on the Belmont platform and feel my tears freeze on my face. But clearly I've become a pansy since moving East.

I have no thoughts or motivations when it's this cold out. I just want to snuggle my layers of fat under a down comforter and watch episodes of Parks and Recreation. So today, I can only offer this ...

Why You Really Shouldn't Be Upset About How Cold It Is Outside

Photo from DiscoWeasel

And this ...

25 Dogs Bundled Up For Winter

Photo from dogster.com

A look at why winter, with all of its misery-inducing shenanigans, is still pretty awesome.

He's Just Not That Into You

I don't know of you've read this book or seen the movie, but for some reason I cannot get it out of my mind lately. I read the book back in the summer of 2007 and it really pissed my off. Primarily because it was basically saying that a woman should never pursue a man or make the first move because if a guy is interested in you, he'll pursue you. I thought we went through a revolution that made it okay for us women to go after what we want in ALL areas of our lives!?! And this smarmy dude with the frosted tips (Seriously?) is telling me to just sit around until someone decides to take an interest in me! FU, self-proclaimed "King of Nope"!

Once I had poured a glass of wine and picked up the book from where I had thrown it, I pondered on my past relationships where I gave 120% and did everything I could to make it work. These are the relationships that were the most dysfunctional and emotionally and mentally abusive. Maybe this jack bag was on to something!

Even now, there is this person who keeps coming back into my life, and every time he does, I allow him to get under my skin. And once he's there, I'm always that one that initiates contact and the one who tries to keep the connection. And guess what!? We are no closer than we were when we met umpteen years ago. According to the book, if he's not calling me, texting me or telling me he wants to be with me, he's just not that into me. Okay, so save my energy for the guy who will call and text and tell me he wants to be with me! I get it.

However, where does this great dating advice leave me in terms of being able to go after what I want? How am supposed to "put myself out there" when, once I'm out there, I have no ability to actually pursue anyone. But if I don't want to be single, I'm just suppose to settle for the toothless maintenance man who barely speaks any English, because THAT'S the guy who IS calling me and asking me out?

 

All that this book has really taught me is to not give a shit. Don't care about or invest in anyone until he has shown you the proper attention. I have to write off any guy who doesn't call/text/ask me out and since I CAN'T ASK ANYONE OUT, I'll just have to continue to wallow in this single cesspool. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. Is there any happy middle ground here?

The List

I have a friend ... every relationship story starts out this way ... who made a list of everything she was looking for in a man and within a week (or was it a month?), she started dating a man who was the complete personification of her list. And it wasn't just one friend this happened to, it was THREE. And one of them was a beautiful, older Southern lady and you know she wouldn't lie to me.

So I made a list and put it in my wallet ... three years ago (so much for the immediate power of the list). I pulled it out this morning just to see if it still held true, and surprisingly, it does. All the things I was looking for in a man three years ago are the things I'm still looking for. And maybe that's why I'm still single. This Magic List Man either doesn't exist or my standards/expectations are simply too high.

But why shouldn't they be? I mean, why should I have to settle when it comes to the person with whom I want to spend the rest of my life. It's not as if I said, "He has to make six figures, love the ballet over football, always put the toilet seat down, be tall and gorgeous and write me poetry every single day." (That dude actually sounds like a homosexual. I'm sure we'd be great friends). The qualities I'm looking for are the qualities that are fundamental to the person that I am. If I were a staunch PETA supporter, I probably shouldn't be with a fur-wearing carnivore. But I'm wondering if there comes a time when you have to be okay with not getting the things on your list. That yes, in order to have a mate, you do indeed have to settle.

Or just settle for being single.

Happy MLK Day!

Today, on Martin Luther King Day, our president is inaugurated into his second term and yours truly recovers from five too many mimosas at Drag Bingo. I'm pretty sure nursing a hangover is not the best way celebrate the man who symbolizes the struggle for civil equality. So, on this Nation Day of Service, I can only offer this:

"Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars ... Hate cannot drive out hate: only LOVE can do that." ~ Martin Luther King, Jr. 

As you go about your day today and this week, think about how you can love your fellow Americans a little harder. Not just in words, but in action. Maybe it's as simple as offering your seat to someone on the train, helping a mother carry her stroller up the subway stairs, checking in on an elderly neighbor or finally signing for that volunteer training at the homeless shelter/animal shelter/afterschool tutoring program/Christian counseling center.

But above all let's start with ourselves, because ...

By the Numbers

The Bad News: GChat #1 (A Workday Afternoon)

12:29 PM me: what if he is THE ONE and I let him go

  and then he finds someone else and I die alone

 Guy Friend: woah

  slow down

12:30 PM do you really believe that there is really and truly only one person in the entire world that can make you happy?

ONE out of what is quickly approaching 8 BILLION people

12:32 PM back of the napkin numbers

  assuming Men make up about 1/2 of the population

12:33 PM and assuming that about 20% of them are in a suitable age range (which is a small %)

  and assuming that gay men make up about 10% of the population

12:34 PM and we'll assume that only 1/3 of them are single at any given time

  and going by the calculated population of the US as 315M people

  you're STILL looking at 9,355,500 single suitably aged straight men

12:35 PM and that's ONLY out of US Citizens

  so if you want to look at your odds as 1/9.4Million

12:36 PM which happens to be 1.07x10^-7

  or 0.00001% of the dating pool

  then I simply cannot help you

12:37 PM me: those are super depressing numbers

12:38 PM Guy Friend: because frankly you are 12x MORE likely to be struck by lightning

  you even have a better chance of being struck by lightning TWICE

  (but just barely)

12:40 PM look at it this way

  look at your friends who are married and/or happily coupled

  do you really think that ALL those people are really THAT lucky?

  Millions upon millions of people would be getting struck by lightning on a daily basis if that were the case.

12:41 PM speaking from a position of probability

12:42 PM so have I sufficiently convinced you that statistically the possibility of there being only ONE person for every other person is basically an impossibility?

 me: yes

  which means I will die alone

The Good News: GChat #2 (The Next Day)

9:35 AM Guy Friend: what would you say a good "Ugliness" factor would be?

  40% of men being unattractive?

 me: well, you're talking to a person who can find something attractive in ANYONE

9:36 AM but it depends on what we're considering

  is it age?

  money?

  height?

  hygiene?

  fashion?

 Guy Friend: a combination of unattractive factors for an overall % of men that would be unacceptable

 me: hmmm ... 9:37 AM I guess 40% is right

  I'm going to take a survey of my office

9:41 AM there are 36 men in our office

  and 13 I might have sex with

  so yeah, almost 40%

9:42 AM Guy Friend: damn I was thinking a 40% exclusion rate

  not inclusion rate

9:44 AM ok so if you go on a blind date with someone who all you know is that they are male and between the ages of 25-45 you have a 12.7% chance of them being at least marginally compatible

  that's not knowing whether they are single, straight, or attractive

9:49 AM me: wait, why would I be going on a date with him if he weren't single?

9:50 AM and only a 12.7% of being compatible?!

  That sounds awful!!

9:51 AM your numbers are getting me all riled up

 Guy Friend: ok ok ok

9:52 AM so if you knew he was single and straight but had no idea what he looked like or what his other qualities were you would have a 40% chance of compatibility

  2 dates out of 5

  that's not terrible

 me: no, not terrible

9:53 AM Guy Friend: however, with dating sites you can weed out the ugly ones and for the most part the dumb ones

9:55 AM so we can make Boring/Dull/Uninspired at a factor of about 25% of men who are single, straight, and attractive

  and in your age range

9:56 AM me: okay10:03 AM Guy Friend: barring all those factors there are still over 4.3 Million men you are compatible with on some level in this country10:04 AM and using the same statistics there are over 115,000 compatible men in NYC10:05 AM me: wow Guy Friend: yeah10:06 AM and that's 30% of the single straight men in your age rangenot so hopeless after allso almost 1 in 3 Single straight men between the ages of 25-4510:13 AM me: but I don't want a man who is only 25what about between 30 and 40? Guy Friend: ugh, picky picky84,000 

Write It and They Will Come

Vision #9: Blog

 

So my ninth and final vision for this year is pretty simple: write my blog. And clearly I've been doing that. However, like most Geminis, I get really excited about a project and jump into it hardcore for a few weeks, but then get bored and move on to a new project. So this vision is about making a commitment and sticking with it. 

Why a blog? Well, journaling is, of course, helpful. You get those ideas out of the brain and down on paper so you can evaluate them. And that's what I'm doing here. I'm just doing it on the interwebs for everyone to see. Yup, putting all the nasty, awful things I dislike about myself out there for everyone to read in order to keep me accountable in this journey, to seek advice from those who have gone through it and commiserate with those who are going through it. 

So come back often, I'm gonna shoot for 3x a week. And feel free to weigh in on what you think about my crazy, single lady neuroses. I'll always respond. No matter what new projects I find, I will still love talking about me.

It's Where the Heart Is

Vision #8: Build a New Home

In NYC, I think the most important element to your survival is your home. This city can be disgusting and soul crushing and unless you have a sanctuary to fall into after a day's beating, it's a very short road to becoming that lady with the lipstick smeared all over her face who is having a conversation with her to purse in the subway. And while I love my roommate, my apartment and neighborhood, it's just not my sanctuary. 

I mean, I love NYC: the people (talking purse lady included), the culture, the food, the energy, all of it. But I'm a gal from Kansas and, while I loathe the politics and close-mindedness of that state, I miss it. Hard. I miss seeing a sky full of stars, the scent of burning leaves in the crisp Fall air, walking barefoot in the Summer grass and catching lightening bugs, driving in my car with the windows down and radio cranked up and singing at the top of my lungs. These are things that are a part of my DNA that I simply cannot find here. 

And since it's not plausible to move back to the Midwest (or any place with a big open sky, fresh air and green grass) at this moment, I have to find a way to make my current domicile as comforting as watching the sunset from my back porch. Maybe I cook more, rearrange the furniture or even move into my own place. I don't know. Just something that will give me that same sense of peace as home.

PS - Anyone who knows me knows that I am madly in love with my roommate. He is one of the most intelligent, hilarious, talented and generous men I know. So I want to make it clear that this post had nothing to do with him or the two of us as cohabitants. We're quite good actually. We joke that "our crazies match". And while there are areas that we (that's the general we) can change in any relationship, we put up with the "annoying stuff" because we love that person we're with. No, this post was all about me. Or didn't you know that already? That's it's always all about me ;)
 

Get It Down, Girl

Vision #7: Credit Card Debt

Okay, this is my practical vision for 2013. Like most Americans, I have credit card debt and I have more than is reasonable. I know there are people with more, and there are many people with much less, but for me a reasonable amount would be $0. That, unfortunately, is not going to happen for a few years. So my vision for this year is to reduce my debt by 25%. And if I stay at my job and do not charge anymore on my cards (a challenge, I know), I can definitely make this happen.

So what does credit card debt have to do with love? Well, how can I expect to join my whole life, which includes my financial life, with another person if I come into it with a deficit? How can I ask someone to build a home with me when I'm trying to dig myself out of a financial sinkhole? Some of my friends would say, "Well, that's why you just marry a guy with money and he can pay it off for you." Hmmm ... okay, sure. But that's not really the kind of partnership I'm looking for.

This is definitely a vision where I can easily beat myself up over the financial mistakes I've made in my life, but that is simply not helpful. Those choices made me who I am today and I have learned so much from them. Why should I regret them? Instead, I will focus on the decisions I can make today that will make life better in the future.

 

 

My Relationship's in the Closet

One of my besties is deep into Feng Shui and I would always roll my eyes whenever he talked about hanging crystals in jutting corners and installing fountains in his Prosperity Corner. Then, one day, I had a change of heart, decided not to be such a cynical bitch, but give in and see what all the fuss was about.

I read a book on the subject and realized the chi in my bedroom is fucked. I have a jutting corner that sends bad juju right to my bed, the head of my bed is under a window, the foot of my bed faces out the door and my closet - which houses my stinky shoes and dirty laundry - is in my relationship corner.

Well, you don't have to be an ancient Feng Shui voodoo master to figure out that that probably means my relationships are full of stinky, dirty business, too. So I gave the walls of my closet a fresh coat of gleaming white paint (white being a color that stimulates love and relationships so they tell me), I cleaned the floor of the closet (which was peppered with a disturbing black goo) and I donated any article of clothing that a) didn't make me feel sexy and/or b) that reminded me of two specific eras in my life that were ladened with relationship awfulness. There's nothing I can do about the laundry and the shoes. I have a tiny New York room and the closet is the only place these items can live. Which is fine. It can be an unintentional metaphor of how into every relationship we carry the good, the bad and the ugly, but we work through them and live with them because that is love.

Just Take the Compliment!

I was sitting at the deli counter playing on my iPhone (because that's what New Yorkers do) when the guy sitting next to me turned to me and said, "Excuse me. I don't mean to bother you, but I just want to tell you that you are beautiful and dressed so eloquently."

Okay.

So he obviously meant elegantly (which I wasn't BTDubs), but his little malaprop made me smile so big. However, instead of just enjoying myself and striking up a conversation, I mumbled through some response like, "oh well thank you." And then I started packing up my things to leave.

"I hope I didn't scare you off", he said. "No, not at all. I just have to get to class." And this was true (salsa dancing!) but it just sounded so apologetic and lame. 

Why was I so embarrassed?. He wasn't particularly attractive (I mean, I'm sure he is to someone, just not to me) so it's not like I did my usual "that boy is really cute and we just made eye contact and I can feel myself blushing so I'm going to look away and walk in the opposite direction." No, I was nervous and awkward because he paid me a compliment. 

Why is it so hard for women to take a compliment? If I'm not stuttering through the awkward response above, I'm dismissing it with excuses as to why the complimenter is wrong. 

• "You're really funny in the scene." "Oh no, I'm just being my stupid self."
• "You look really great in that dress." "Oh, god, really? I feel so fat."
• "You're really good at {insert activity of choice}." "Oh gosh, I have no idea what I'm doing." (which is, of course, a total lie since I work really hard at everything I do) 

Why is it so difficult to just say "thank you"? Do we feel like we're going to appear arrogant or egotistical because we're agreeing with our friend that yes, indeed, I am funny, pretty and talented? How can we truly appreciate (love) anyone else if we can't accept appreciation (love) ourselves? Aren't we telling the giver that he is indeed wrong or, worse than that, his opinion doesn't matter? I know I would NEVER do that intentionally, so maybe let's not do it unintentionally?

Challenge: Next time I receive a compliment, I will not dismiss the giver, but instead accept the appreciation with a genuine smile and thank you!

Do What You Love

Vision #6: Career

What does this have to do with finding love? Well, not much really. If anything it helps me avoid even having to think about love. But figuring out what the heck I'm doing with my life ... correction: what I want my life's work to be ... is a major vision for the year.

I decided to get my MFA in Acting because, sure I wanted to become a better actor, but also because I wanted that terminal degree so I could teach. Each job I took in regional theatre and my eventual move to NYC was with this goal in mind. But now I find myself a year and a half into a desk job and it seems like I'm no where nearer to making my dream of becoming a teacher a reality. I am busting my butt trying to get certifications in movement and voice, get directing/producing/writing experience, and finally finish that one-woman show all with the hopes that it might make me a more desirable professor candidate and enable me to be financially secure so I can buy a house with a fence and a yard where my kids and dogs can run around and jump and play!!!!

<deep breath>

I worry (fear) that I will continue this struggle in 2013 and be no closer to my dream at the end of it. And here's why this matters. Fear holds people back. If I can approach this goal with confidence and assurance, perhaps it could be more easily achievable (and more enjoyable). I can't become a theatre professor tomorrow. I don't know if I can even be one in the next year. I can only control my attitude and my pursuit today. So Boom! That's all I'm going to focus on.

Bottom line: Less worrying about the future and more enjoying the moment. 

Cue music!

Can you tell I just learned how to embed videos?!

Weddings Make Me Cry

I really dislike how much money Americans spend on weddings and how crazy the brides (and their mothers) get about the whole day. You can spend $20,000 or $20. The result is the same. At the end of the day, you're still married. The wedding is about the couple and the commitment they're making, not about the fucking centerpieces, the votives or the color of the bridesmaid dresses. Ugh. It makes me roll my eyes just thinking about it.

With that said, something happens to me when I'm sitting in the audience and the bride starts walking down the aisle with her father/mother/guardian and I turn back around to the front and catch the look on the groom's face as he sees his bride coming toward him. I lose it. Like just completely lose it. It happens at every fucking wedding, even movie and TV weddings (don't even get me started on Monica and Chandler's wedding).

And when I see videos like this one, I start to cry as well. Not because I feel lonely and "Golly gee, I wish I could have that, too." But because it makes me so happy to see such an out-pouring of love. Everyone deserves to have this much love in their lives.

Make Falling In Love A Priority

Why You Should Make Falling In Love A Priority | Thought Catalog

My friend just sent this to me and I first I was like, "Thanks, LR, but too bad I can't read it from all the eye rolling I'm doing", and then I stopped being a snarky bitch and read it.

The thing is, the writer is totally spot on. It's time to make love a priority.

Let's DO this!

Think on It

Vision #5: Meditate:

I have a friend who, back in the spring, revealed that she had been taking a course in meditation. This winter, she landed a six figure job, moved into a dream apartment in Manhattan and got engaged. Coincidence? I don't think so.

I believe in the power of positive thinking and, while this saying feels like an overused cliche, there is a connection between our thoughts and our actions. We are what we think and we get back from the world what we send out.

Seriously.

I hear all the time that New Yorkers are rude, dirty, awful people. Well, of course they are when you expect them to be. I have had so many delightful encounters with New Yorkers from all walks of life and I believe it's because I meet people with a smile, care about them and send out love. And that's what I get back. Try it. The next time you're at the convenience store, make eye contact and smile at the person behind the counter. Genuinely ask him or her how they're doing. I guarantee the love you send out will be returned. Of course, I'm not suggesting you do this to every person you encounter (hello, crazy lady on the subway staring at me and screaming obscenities), but it does works and everyone feels more love.

Anyway, all of that is to say that there are definite visions I have for my life and it can't hurt to spend some time meditating on them and sending them out into the universe. In this crazy, hectic, stressful world, slowing down and just listening to the rhythm of my breath and heartbeat should be incredibly therapeutic. I'm not suggesting it will be easy. My thoughts run around chasing each other like schizophrenic toddlers. But if I can become more clear of the visions for my life and make acheiving them a daily focus, then I really believe I will be able to acheive them.

The Rhythm is Gonna Get You

Vision #4: Take Salsa Dancing Lessons

When I was living for a brief time in Kansas City, my gal pals and I would get all dressed up, find a salsa club and dance until the wee hours of the mornings. I loved that men would come up and ask us to dance without any agenda other than to enjoy dancing with a pretty girl. They weren't looking to score our digits or take us home. They just wanted to cha-cha around the dance floor with another human being, laughing and enjoying being alive. 

But let's be honest. I had NO idea what I was doing. I was on dance team and have "moved" in musicals since I was 7, so I was pretty good at faking it, but I had no idea if I was supposed to merengue, salsa, cha-cha or two step or even the differences between them. I just let the gentlemen lead me around which was kind of nice, I have to admit. So it would be great to hear a song and know exactly where I'm supposed to step and when. You know, be a fully present and participating partner (metaphor for life, mayhaps?).

I'm not looking to meet anyone in this class or become some sort of Latina sex goddess even though that would be nice (Sofia Vergara). This vision is just about good, clean, hip and booty shaking fun!

Put a Ring on It

Vision #3 - Stop Biting Fingernails

When I was in the 7th grade, I went to my first real boy/girl party. You know, the kind where you sneak sips from the parents' liquor cabinet and slow dance to metal ballads while getting only as far as first base. There were only 3 girls and 3 boys invited to this party. I don't remember if we were purposely paired up or not, but I do remember being really excited because "that boy" was going to be at the party. He was my first crush and would end up being my first kiss, first heartbreak and "the one that got away". But that's another post for another time. 

My gal pals and I were getting ready in my friend's bedroom, waiting for the boys to arrive, when one girl grabs my hand and scolds me. "You're STILL biting your nails? Boys don't like girls who bite their nails. No one will go with you if you do that."

Well, 20 years later, I still bite my nails and sure enough, I'm still single.

 

I suppose if Freud was right, I must have had some sort of trauma in the oral stage of my childhood and this fixation has made a keratin-munching monster. And I've tried everything to break myself of the habit. Bitter-tasting nail polish, band-aids, worry beads, beautiful manicures, chewing gum. All I'm left with is chipped polish and TMJ. 

I've often jokingly thought to myself, "Well, it's a good thing you don't have a significant other because there's no way you could take engagement photos with those ragged, bloody stubs." And it's true. All of my friends with gorgeous rocks on their left hands also have thin, beautifully manicured fingers. 

 

I don't truly believe that there is a strong connection between nail biting and singledom, but I can't imagine a girl is all that alluring with her fingers in her teeth, tearing away bits of her body. Vision #3 is really more about treating myself a little more gently. Caring for myself. Dealing with stress and anxiety in a way that allows me to point to something without showing off a half-eaten finger. 

 

Or maybe just being able to hold another person's hand without embarrassment or fear.

No Seriously. For Reals This Time.

Vision #2: Quit Smoking For Good

Again, here is one of those resolutions that everyone (who smokes) makes every December 31st. And usually, after they've broken/crushed/flushed the few remaining cigarettes in their pack at the stroke of midnight, once they've had their New Year's Day brunch, they're boozy again and buying another pack.

I smoked a lot in college and in my youthful party days in Chicago (it was legal to smoke in bars then). Grad school was also not a time for quitting, because hello, it's grad school and every awful vice is the only thing keeping you from a complete fucking meltdown. But then, of course, once I became a professional singer/actor I was really good at curbing my dirty little secret and only indulging occasionally. Now that I'm back in an office and only singing at drunken karaoke, I've allowed myself to pick up the dirty habit once again. 

I don't consider myself a "real" smoker because I never buy a pack (my smoker friends love that) and I don't smoke every day. But even a cigarette only every other day is still 180 cigarettes a year and that's still 180 too many. It's time to face the reality of what I am (a smoker) and change it if I don't like it.

The problem is I LOVE smoking. I don't love the taste so much (unless coupled with a Miller Lite! What is that!?), but I love the ritual of it, the deep full breaths and satisfying exhalation. And smokers are always the coolest kids at the party. Smokers are genuinely funny, interesting, creative people and I always want to continue the conversation with them even if it means freezing my ass off in subzero weather sucking down some tar. 

But as amazing as all of this is, I know that it's just about the worst thing for me. It's disgusting, smelly, unattractive, and ultimately killing me slowly with every puff I take. And while Vision #1 is to satisfy other people (you know, so I might one day become desirable again to another human being), Vision #2 is truly just for me. I want to experience that satisfying, deep, full breath without feeling the rumble of phlegm and carcinogenic tar. I want to have the strength and will power to stand outside and chat with the cool kids but not feel the craving to light one up myself. 

And I'm sure they'll appreciate not having their adorable but delusional friend mooching from them at every turn.

New Year's Visions

I am a big fan of making resolutions in the new year because I love change and self-improvement. However, I really dislike the word "resolution". It feels like an insurmountable obligation or a way to torture ourselves into being the people that we (or other people) think we should be. So instead of making "resolutions", this year I'm creating visions. To me, they sound much more friendly. A clear, lovely picture of what you envision for your life.

I have 9 visions for the New Year. But don't worry. Today I'm just talking about the first vision.

2013 Vision #1: Lose 20 lbs.

Yes, I hear the collective groan from the internet. And before you roll your eyes at me and say "Come on. EVERYONE has that goal and no one keeps it past January 15th", let me slap you down with this chocolate-filled butter croisant and teach you a thing or two.

The reason everyone wants to lose weight is to feel better naked. To feel more attractive. To feel sexy, comfortable and confident in their own skin. Losing weight is the easiest and most tangible way to do this. Sometimes a nice haircut or roll in the sack with a sexy European can do this as well, but these moments are fleeting and rare.

On the flip side, layers of fat are safe. They protect you from people seeing the real you. If you are fat, no one sees you. You are ignored. You don't exist to strangers and/or potential mates, because you are a disgusting, unfuckable mess. No one ever gives you unwanted sexual advances and you pretend that it's better this way because then you can just focus on yourself and your hobbies and your career (and the dozen potato samosas sitting on your lap) and not let anyone get too close to you. These layers of fat literally push everyone away until you are lonely and miserable in your gelatinous cocoon. And when I say you, I obviously mean the general you. And by the general you, I obviously mean me.

Friends tell me all of the time, "You're not fat!" or "You ARE beautiful and sexy. I don't know why you can't see yourself the way WE see you." And to them, I smile and say "Thanks" to shut them up, but know in my heart of hearts that if I were 20 lbs lighter, I may actually get asked out on a date (and not by the old, homeless man who has a thing for fat chicks or the Mexican short-order cook who wants a green card).

Or maybe, MAYBE, if I were 20 lbs lighter, I might even feel sexy and confident enough to ask someone on a date. But the bottom line is, I'm tired of using my fat as an excuse for why I am miserably single.

Bitter Betty

I have had only few romantic relationships in my life, all three of which ended badly. I watch so many of my girlfriends bounce back so easily from a "failed relationship" and on to the next one with the dewy optimism that maybe this one will be "the one". These two things coupled with the fact that I find no interesting, available men in NYC have convinced me that I am going to be single for the rest of my life. And I don't say that in the dramatic girl way of "Ugh, I'm going to say this now so you can tell me how fabulous I am and that Mr. Perfect is waiting just right around the corner". No. I actually do believe that there are some people in this world that are just meant to be single and I am one of them.

But don't think for a second that I'm happy about it. I think it fucking blows, but these are the cards I was dealt. 

So in an effort to try to change my fate or not be so fucking "I will punch you in the throat" bitter the next time one of my friends tells me that she just met this awesome guy on OK Cupid, and oh my god! She thinks she really likes him!!! I'm going to do a little soul searching here to figure out why I'm such a miserable, lonely, 34 year old mess of a troll and everyone else gets to be so fucking happy in their relationships.

Should be fun.

In that "salt on an open wound" sort of way.