I don't know of you've read this book or seen the movie, but for
some reason I cannot get it out of my mind lately. I read the book back
in the summer of 2007 and it really pissed my off. Primarily because it
was basically saying that a woman should never pursue a man or make the
first move because if a guy is interested in you, he'll pursue you. I thought we
went through a revolution that made it okay for us women to go after what we
want in ALL areas of our lives!?! And this smarmy dude with the frosted tips (Seriously?) is telling me to just sit
around until someone decides to take an interest in me! FU, self-proclaimed "King of Nope"!
Once I had poured a glass of wine and picked up the book from where I had thrown it, I pondered on my past relationships where I gave 120% and
did everything I could to make it work. These are the relationships
that were the most dysfunctional and emotionally and mentally abusive. Maybe this jack bag was on to something!
Even
now, there is this person who keeps coming back into my life, and every time he does, I allow him
to get under my skin. And once he's there, I'm always that one that
initiates contact and the one who tries to keep the connection. And guess
what!? We are no closer than we were when we met umpteen years ago. According to the book, if he's not
calling me, texting me or telling me he wants to be with me, he's just not
that into me. Okay, so save my energy for the guy who will call and text and tell me he wants to be with me! I get it.
However, where does this great dating advice leave me in
terms of being able to go after what I want? How am supposed to "put
myself out there" when, once I'm out there, I have no ability to actually
pursue anyone. But if I don't want to be single, I'm just suppose to settle for the
toothless maintenance man who barely speaks any English, because
THAT'S the guy who IS calling me and asking me out?
All that this book has really taught me is to not give a shit. Don't care about or invest in anyone until he has shown you the proper attention. I have to write off any guy who doesn't call/text/ask me out and since I CAN'T ASK ANYONE OUT, I'll just have to continue to wallow in this single cesspool. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. Is there any happy middle ground here?
So, "HJNTIY" reflects a mid-'00s mentality, the same mentality that spawned the abysmal "Pickup Artist" schools. Our culture is really, *really* uncomfortable with gender parity, and "HJNTIY" was a way to purport to give women "power" while really just rendering them more helpless. By teaching women to wait for a guy to call, it just repackages traditional gender roles in 21st Century wrapping paper. Not that there's anything wrong with traditional gender roles, but "HJNTIY" is certainly not for the "truly" modern woman.
ReplyDeleteThe basic premise, though, happens to be spot on: if a guy doesn't call or text or make an effort to see you, he's just not that into you. He's probably not playing games, or trying to act cool, or any of that nonsense, he really just doesn't want to hang out with you. The reason I know this is spot on is because when the genders are swapped, it's still true! And that's fine! YEs, it sucks when they don't call back, but if you have to pull teeth just to get a "hey wanna grab lunch?" then it's just not worth the effort, and you should probably just cut and run.
All that said, I think the idea that a woman can't text first is batshit. Let's say you want to text first. Let's assume, for sake of argument, that you are fundamentally a person who initiates things, whether it's conversation, dates, or even sex. If a guy is turned off by this, is he really someone you want to be with? Deep down, wouldn't you be better off alone than with someone who you have to change for?
I'l freely admit I'm not everyone's cup of tea, but there are things I like about myself a lot (namely my sense of humor) that I have no shame in "leading" with. If a girl doesn't dig my sense of humor, then no harm no foul, but we're just not a good match.
Raja,
DeleteYou're spot on. You are amazing and your outlook is so positive and inspiring.
So maybe the whole "HJNTIY" (which looks a little like HUNTY and that makes me giggle) is more of a theory and a mindset and not so much a gameplan. Meaning you do what naturally fits your instinct, but then let it go and stop obsessing over the "what ifs" and "whys".
I'm also wondering if there is a difference in how men and women in their 30s/40s accept this idea vs. men and women in their 20s. Do men in their 20s allow women to pursue them more easily than older men?