I have had only few romantic relationships in my life, all three of which ended badly. I watch so many of my girlfriends bounce back so easily from a "failed relationship" and on to the next one with the dewy optimism that maybe this one will be "the one". These two things coupled with the fact that I find no interesting, available men in NYC have convinced me that I am going to be single for the rest of my life. And I don't say that in the dramatic girl way of "Ugh, I'm going to say this now so you can tell me how fabulous I am and that Mr. Perfect is waiting just right around the corner". No. I actually do believe that there are some people in this world that are just meant to be single and I am one of them.
But don't think for a second that I'm happy about it. I think it fucking blows, but these are the cards I was dealt.
So in an effort to try to change my fate or not be so fucking "I will punch you in the throat" bitter the next time one of my friends tells me that she just met this awesome guy on OK Cupid, and oh my god! She thinks she really likes him!!! I'm going to do a little soul searching here to figure out why I'm such a miserable, lonely, 34 year old mess of a troll and everyone else gets to be so fucking happy in their relationships.
Should be fun.
In that "salt on an open wound" sort of way.
Relationships are an immense amount of work. And sometimes, as happy as I am that my partner and I have worked through a shitstorm of well...shit, I revel in the thought that perhaps, just for a little while I'd like to just hold responsibility for my own happiness, for my own meals; to be obligated only to a small sack of laundry and a bubble bath for days on end. I know she shares my thoughts. There are times when I find it stupefying that one has to struggle so much to find a potential mate at all,and then, once that is achieved, one must work at sustaining that union so very hard. There are tremendous pay-offs, don't get me wrong. I'm mad about my girlfriend and do feel that we get a lot out of the work we put into our life together. But the buck doesn't stop once you've found "the one". You're not going to magically put an end to all struggles once that status is achieved. This notion only scrapes the surface of my actual point. Perhaps the thing that frustrates me the most about, say, these conventions of couplehood, is not the work itself, but the outside pressure of it all. It's maddening! Before you close this page while letting out an exasperated sigh for my use of the overused "societal pressure", I'm sorry... but it's indeed societal pressure that has created this veritable fucking pendulum between loneliness, nights of booty calls and friends with benefits-ness, to , as the lesbians call it, "wifing up" to such a degree that you're up one another's back-sides.
ReplyDeleteCan't we be independent, level-headed creatures who strive to achieve our own happiness while simultaneously having the love and support of an "other" who fills our hearts? One who has his/her OWN independent life and happiness to attain!?
It seems too extreme, the whole of it. I say this as someone who is very much in love and has fought hard to keep a relationship that I believe in strongly. Yet, I do sometimes wonder why people think that achieving relationship status is an end-gain?
I'd rather be single forever than achieve a "couple" status just to possess it.
Hannah,
DeleteThank you so much for your comment. I agree with you 100%. It's why I've never been one of those girls who breaks up with a boy and has another one a week later. I've never based my self-worth on whether or not I was/am in a relationship.
However, my goal with this blog is to break free from the fears that keep me from reaching out to another human being, to opening myself up to the possibility of love, to all of those fears that keep me single. If, at the end of this self-analysis, I am still single, well, so be it. I'm fine with that. But at least I will be there knowing full well I'm meant to be there and not there because of my own limitations.
I'm pretty sure the reason people put out that whole "It'll happen when you least expect it!" thing and also the "You have to put yourself out there" thing is that no one actually knows anything but they think they have to say something and they must always, always be pressuring anyone who is not coupled to be coupled.
ReplyDeleteThe one thing that I think sometimes people who kind of move from one un-serious dating thing to another learn that people who are more cautious serial monogamist types* don't is that actually, it's not a big thing if someone doesn't want to go out with you. Maybe you don't have to undergo some kind of transformative-butterfly-emerging-from-cocoon process just to ask someone out. Maybe you could just do it. If the person says yes, then you just see where it takes you--maybe it will be cool and maybe not. If the person says no, you'll probably feel at least marginally shitty, but you'll have empirical evidence of still being alive despite rejection.
If you think you fear is holding you back from reaching out to another person, consider you may be letting that fear be too big, and you personally can deflate whenever you choose.
*I definitely put myself in the latter category, except for a brief but rockin' period at the turn of the century.
SoRefined,
DeleteThank you for your comment! You are SO right on many counts. I am letting that fear be WAY too big, but that's part of what this blog is about. What is it that is keeping me fearful? Where does this fear come from? How can I release it and be the sexy, confident women I know I can be?
And yes, I probably don't have to go through a dramatic caterpillar-butterfly transformation, but for a gal like me, I think that's what it's gonna take. But I feel like, at the end of it all, I will be a better person for it.
And kudos to you for a rockin' sexy time in the early oughts. Everyone should have that at least once in life!