One Director's Thoughts

The play that I've been working on since November opens tonight and I could not be more proud of the project and my entire cast and crew. Here are the "Director's Notes" that I composed for the program. 

One of my favorite writers once wrote, "Forever is composed of Nows". If I could edit Ms. Dickinson's words (although I would never claim to be as brilliant), I would say, "The FUTURE is composed of Nows". The life we live right now dictates what our future will hold. How we treat one another in this very moment will shape the culture and policies of our future world. And that's not just the world of the next generation. That's our world of next year, next month and even tomorrow. We all have, within us, the ability to affect the future and the opportunity to do so is right now. That's right. Right now as you're reading this. Turn to that person next to you (no, not the one you came with; the one on the other side), and just make eye contact and smile. That smile of, "Hey lady/man, my fellow human of this world. I got your back. If shit goes down tonight, I'll be there for you, I promise."

And that's all it takes. We're all in this together as a team. We, as a company of A Future Imperfect, have accepted the responsibility of taking care of one another and we extend that same attention to you. We hope that you will receive it and maybe, at some point in the next 80 minutes, feel inclined to return it. And even if you don't feel so inclined, that's okay. But you can still have ours. We'll never ask for it back.

Thank you for being here and for supporting live theatre.

Here's to all the people who create and put their heart and souls on display for the public. You are heroes. Please continue to create. The world needs to hear your voice. 

In All Areas

After this week's email fiasco, it has really hit me how important it is to treat everyone with respect and kindness in every moment. And not just what we say and do to them in person, but also what we say about them behind their backs and even what we think about them as well. Our thoughts become words and our  words become action. If we can change how we think about people and begin to think kindness and love over them, it will so quickly begin to change ourselves and our communities.

But I know that's easier said than done. Life is hard. It's especially difficult to think positively about everyone at all times when you live in a rat-infested cement jungle that constantly smells of piss and sewage. We get lost in our thoughts and struggles and sometimes we have a bad day. But no matter how bad it is for you, there is always someone who has it worse.

Even as we New Yorkers cram into subway cars and ignore each other by staring at our iPhones, there can still be moments of kindness. I've seen hundreds of them. A man gives up his seat for a mother and her child. One woman calls out to another woman as she's leaving the train because that woman has forgotten her purse. A young woman stays in her seat so as not to disturb her neighbor who has fallen asleep and is now leaning against her. As we struggle through this difficult and often devastating life, it's important to recognize these moments and celebrate them. It's what's gonna get us though. Together.

And because I love baseball, today I celebrate this young man and his act of kindness and generosity.

I Am More Than My Horse Face

I am currently directing a show for the NY International Fringe Festival. It's a big deal for all of us involved because we're very excited to have this level of exposure to our work. So yesterday, being the good promoter that I am, I sent an email to my professional contacts letting them know about the show. There were a bunch of contacts included in the email that are not in NY but I think it's important for people to know what I'm up to and to let people know that I'm also now directing. I get the following reply from a prominent Artistic Director in Kansas City:

"Remember her, wasn't she the one, horse face, in the thinks first show?"

At first I was shocked, then angry, but after about a minute I just started laughing. This old fart had replied to me when he clearly meant to forward it on to someone else. He had fucked up. Big time.

Of all the things that the Internet is good for, stupidity shaming is the best. I brainstormed all the ways I could  throw this back in the guy's face. I could write an open letter to the Kansas City theatre community or perhaps forward it on to the theatre critics in town and give them an inside scoop on how artistic directors treat the talent that work (or try to work) so hard for them. 

Instead, I decided to simply reply with my usual sassy wit and charm. 

"Hi {Artistic Director}!

I think you may have meant to send your email to someone else, and even though I don't know who you are referring to when you say "the thinks", I was in {theatre company}'s first show, {name of show}.

If you take a look at my website {inserted direct link to my professional website} you'll see a bunch of reviews and find other things I have been called besides "horse face". For that very show, {KC theatre critic} said I had a powerful voice and gave a big-hearted performance. {Another theatre reviewer} from {another KC paper} called my performance in 1776 with {another theatre company} "show-stopping". And while you may not know this, I've actually worked all over the country and been called, "bold", "sexy and smart", "daring", "electric", "a hoot", "a wonder", and even "enigmatic".

And {Artistic Director}, while I've got your ear, I do, in all seriousness, want to say thank you for all of your hard work over the years in bringing theatre to the Kansas City community. Since you now know that I am a director (and not just a horse-faced actress), I believe in creating opportunities for artists and telling stories well and honestly. I believe that it is important to create art and theatre wherever you are. It's in the theatre where lives can be changed and even saved. So thank you for all of your years of service to Kansas City. With theatres closing all over the country (and in Kansas City) it is important that you continue to thrive and create opportunities for artists in the community.

Thank you also for your support of newer companies like {"the things" company}. They, and artists like them, are the future of American theatre.

If you will be in NYC this August and would like to come see the show, please let me know and I will happily have two tickets waiting for you and a guest. If not, I wish you a happy and healthy August and all the best with your current and upcoming productions.

With admiration,
Me

I don't care that this old, gay dude thinks I have a "horse face". What I DO care about are the actors in Kansas City who want desperately to work for this man and put their artistic worth in his hands. Clearly this man has very little respect for actors or other artists creating theatre in Kansas City. If he holds this attitude of me, he certainly holds it of many more.

If I could do one thing, it would be to empower my fellow artists in Kansas City to start creating their own work. Don't allow the hostility and disrespect of people like this Artistic Director to affect how you view yourself or your talent. Yes, you need the money and his contracts are appealing; please continue to seek jobs at his thetare in order to feed your family. However, you don't have to rely on him to help you be an actor/musician/artist. YOU have the power to create theatre that is actually worth seeing, that challenges yourself, your peers and the entire Kansas City community. Don't settle for the same surface comedies and musicals over and over. Start writing that one-person show you've always wanted to write, adapt your favorite short story or poem. Gather your friends together and write that site-specific piece you've been talking about and do it in a coffee shop, a church, an apartment and invite the entire community, not just the privileged few who can afford $60 for a great buffet and a colorful comedy.

If Kansas City theatre is going to survive, if the American Theatre is going to survive, it's not because of people like this artistic director who settle for the same stories Kansas City has heard a hundred times before. It's because of you, the artists who do the actual work in telling the stories. You are worth more than this spiteful septuagenarian's opinion of you. Create your own work, tell your stories boldly, passionately and honestly and never, NEVER, for a second, give your power to an Artistic Director who has no respect for the work that you do or the person that you are.

Creation is Love

At a particularly low point in my life, I started The Artist's Way, a 12-week journey of exercises and exploration to help you unleash your inner creative self. I was looking for inspiration to help me continue to live the "NYC Actor" life. Instead, it made me realize all the other things I wanted in life. I immediately stopped auditioning and got a day job to earn the money that would help me make all of my other dreams come true. But that's not the point of this post. The point is that the author was encouraging all of us to embrace our own inner creator because the ultimate Creator loves us and wants us to continue His/Her work of creating.

That really struck me. I was created to create. I give thanks for being created by continuing to create. Creation is an act of love.

I use all the projects in my life (writing, directing, teaching) as a way to distract myself from finding love. But ultimately, all of these projects are love. I am creating something of myself and presenting it to the world. I am giving my love, thoughts, emotions and experience to others. And of course, there is the love that is exchanged between the other members of these projects. We open ourselves to each other, trust that our emotions and hearts will be accepted by and kept safe with these other people. And, at the end of it all, we hopefully walk away with some amazing friendships.

So I am not going to beat myself up for not pursuing love by scoping out dudes on OKCupid or going on countless speed dates. Instead I'm giving thanks that I have the opportunity to create and send love out into the world that way. And when the summer ends and things slow down, then I'll get back to finding just one person to give my love to. And hotdamn, he will be one lucky man. 

Better to Have

On Friday, I was GChattin with a gal pal of mine, just the usual get-us-through-Friday-afternoon stuff like pics of guys in suits or cute dogs. Out of nowhere, she dropped the bomb on me that she was harboring an intense hatred for her ex and regretted wasting her youth on someone as evil as he. I tried to talk her down with cliches like "it's better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all" and shit like that. But she wasn't convinced. And neither was I. 

I thought back to the relationships and pseudo relationships I've had. Do I feel that way about the guys to whom I've given my heart? Do I wish I would never have wasted a breath on them? Absolutely, 100%, not at all. 

All of those relationships have gotten me here to this moment. I really enjoy my life, all the places I've been and all of the crazy, beautiful people I've met along the way. And even though I am still single while many of these men are all married and white picket fence, I don't think I would have done anything differently. 

That's not to say I didn't hurt them or wasn't hurt by them. I can give you a list of the shit I've done out of confusion, spite, jelousy and down right stupidity. A boy from high school, a summer showmance, a man I met at a wedding, a good friend from grad school and enough Chicago improvisers to form a house team. I fell in love easily and fell hard. But I've learned something from each of these relationships. I know how I want to be treated and how to treat the next man I fall in love with. 

Sure, I'm still single and childless but I'm happy. I don't think I would be as happy or happier if things with any of these gentlemen had things turned out any differently. And I don't think they would be either. 

I don't think it's ever a waste to love someone no matter how badly it hurts at the end of it. Just be thankful for the time you've had with that person, wish them well and send them on their way. It's painful, but in the long run it's better to be grateful than hateful. And you can quote me on that!

Bravo, Mr. Collins!

We all deserve love in our lives and we all deserve to search for that love without fear of animosity or retaliation. I don't follow basketball much (expect for my home state Jayhawks!), so I've never seen or heard of Jason Collins before today. But I am so impressed with him and his beautifully eloquent coming out. 

I wish that all of us - gay, straight, bi, trans, man, woman, black, white, red, yellow, brown, pink and purple - could find as much bravery within ourselves to live our life so boldly and passionately. How good it must feel to speak the words you've been dying to speak for so long. To be able to say with confidence that this is who I am and this is what I want.

You can read his fantastic article here. Oh, and just look how beautiful he is! So proud and happy, that light shining from within. Lucky is the man who gets to spend a life with Mr. Collins.

For as happy as I am for Jason, I am amazed that it has taken this 34 year old so long to discover and proclaim who he truly is. But of course, I realize that it has taken me (also 34) just as long and I am still searching. I don't have a national platform with which to herald my true self, but what would I say if I did have a national magazine ready to print my hopes, dreams and desires. Even if I don't have that, isn't every day a chance to proclaim my life as MINE. To unabashedly say without fear that this is who I am and this is what I want! 

Why wait until I lose 20 lbs or pay off that debt or get another job or get my own apartment or, like Mr. Collins, a national tragedy reminds me how precious and fleeting life is?

So what is it? What is that one thing that I am (you are) denying that, once revealed, would help me live the life I always dreamed was possible, the life I know I am (you are) meant to lead? Can we find the bravery to show ourselves for who we truly are and love ourselves enough to never fear the retaliation for proclaiming our true selves?

Boston

I don't have much to say about yesterday's tragedy in Boston that hasn't already been said much more eloquently than I could have imagined. But what I will say is that it's in times like these that I am fiercely thankful for my family, friends, my community and my country. There is a lot that is broken, but there is so much more that is right. People running TOWARDS the explosion to help. People coming out in droves to donate blood. Thousands offering prayers, well-wishes and thoughts of hope and encouragement. 

I've only been to Boston twice. The first as child on my family's "American History" vacation and the other as an adult with my sorority sisters (the two trips were extremely different as you can imagine). But I do know a lot of people from Boston (originally froms or transplants) and they are a fiery, loyal, generous people. I am saddened that this happened to their community, but I know that they will persevere and come through the other side stronger, more resilient and more patriotic than ever. 

All I can offer in this situation is love. It's my default emotion in any catastrophic event and I firmly believe it's the only way to heal. Send it to your family and friends as a reminder of what they mean to you. Send it to the running community whose sense of security was shattered. Send it to the families of those killed or injured. Send it to the aid workers fighting to save lives. Send it to the law enforcement agents who are working tirelessly to track down the person responsible. Send it to the family of the person responsible. Hell, even send it to the person responsible so that he or she may realize the severity of his/her actions, take the full weight of that responsibility and turn his/her own hatred and vengence into a power for positive, non-violent change.

But above all send it to yourselves.  Please be gentle with yourselves today and everyday. And if you feel like you need a little love, send me a note. I'm always happy to listen and send love and encouragement across the miles.