One Director's Thoughts

The play that I've been working on since November opens tonight and I could not be more proud of the project and my entire cast and crew. Here are the "Director's Notes" that I composed for the program. 

One of my favorite writers once wrote, "Forever is composed of Nows". If I could edit Ms. Dickinson's words (although I would never claim to be as brilliant), I would say, "The FUTURE is composed of Nows". The life we live right now dictates what our future will hold. How we treat one another in this very moment will shape the culture and policies of our future world. And that's not just the world of the next generation. That's our world of next year, next month and even tomorrow. We all have, within us, the ability to affect the future and the opportunity to do so is right now. That's right. Right now as you're reading this. Turn to that person next to you (no, not the one you came with; the one on the other side), and just make eye contact and smile. That smile of, "Hey lady/man, my fellow human of this world. I got your back. If shit goes down tonight, I'll be there for you, I promise."

And that's all it takes. We're all in this together as a team. We, as a company of A Future Imperfect, have accepted the responsibility of taking care of one another and we extend that same attention to you. We hope that you will receive it and maybe, at some point in the next 80 minutes, feel inclined to return it. And even if you don't feel so inclined, that's okay. But you can still have ours. We'll never ask for it back.

Thank you for being here and for supporting live theatre.

Here's to all the people who create and put their heart and souls on display for the public. You are heroes. Please continue to create. The world needs to hear your voice. 

In All Areas

After this week's email fiasco, it has really hit me how important it is to treat everyone with respect and kindness in every moment. And not just what we say and do to them in person, but also what we say about them behind their backs and even what we think about them as well. Our thoughts become words and our  words become action. If we can change how we think about people and begin to think kindness and love over them, it will so quickly begin to change ourselves and our communities.

But I know that's easier said than done. Life is hard. It's especially difficult to think positively about everyone at all times when you live in a rat-infested cement jungle that constantly smells of piss and sewage. We get lost in our thoughts and struggles and sometimes we have a bad day. But no matter how bad it is for you, there is always someone who has it worse.

Even as we New Yorkers cram into subway cars and ignore each other by staring at our iPhones, there can still be moments of kindness. I've seen hundreds of them. A man gives up his seat for a mother and her child. One woman calls out to another woman as she's leaving the train because that woman has forgotten her purse. A young woman stays in her seat so as not to disturb her neighbor who has fallen asleep and is now leaning against her. As we struggle through this difficult and often devastating life, it's important to recognize these moments and celebrate them. It's what's gonna get us though. Together.

And because I love baseball, today I celebrate this young man and his act of kindness and generosity.

Better to Have

On Friday, I was GChattin with a gal pal of mine, just the usual get-us-through-Friday-afternoon stuff like pics of guys in suits or cute dogs. Out of nowhere, she dropped the bomb on me that she was harboring an intense hatred for her ex and regretted wasting her youth on someone as evil as he. I tried to talk her down with cliches like "it's better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all" and shit like that. But she wasn't convinced. And neither was I. 

I thought back to the relationships and pseudo relationships I've had. Do I feel that way about the guys to whom I've given my heart? Do I wish I would never have wasted a breath on them? Absolutely, 100%, not at all. 

All of those relationships have gotten me here to this moment. I really enjoy my life, all the places I've been and all of the crazy, beautiful people I've met along the way. And even though I am still single while many of these men are all married and white picket fence, I don't think I would have done anything differently. 

That's not to say I didn't hurt them or wasn't hurt by them. I can give you a list of the shit I've done out of confusion, spite, jelousy and down right stupidity. A boy from high school, a summer showmance, a man I met at a wedding, a good friend from grad school and enough Chicago improvisers to form a house team. I fell in love easily and fell hard. But I've learned something from each of these relationships. I know how I want to be treated and how to treat the next man I fall in love with. 

Sure, I'm still single and childless but I'm happy. I don't think I would be as happy or happier if things with any of these gentlemen had things turned out any differently. And I don't think they would be either. 

I don't think it's ever a waste to love someone no matter how badly it hurts at the end of it. Just be thankful for the time you've had with that person, wish them well and send them on their way. It's painful, but in the long run it's better to be grateful than hateful. And you can quote me on that!

Bravo, Mr. Collins!

We all deserve love in our lives and we all deserve to search for that love without fear of animosity or retaliation. I don't follow basketball much (expect for my home state Jayhawks!), so I've never seen or heard of Jason Collins before today. But I am so impressed with him and his beautifully eloquent coming out. 

I wish that all of us - gay, straight, bi, trans, man, woman, black, white, red, yellow, brown, pink and purple - could find as much bravery within ourselves to live our life so boldly and passionately. How good it must feel to speak the words you've been dying to speak for so long. To be able to say with confidence that this is who I am and this is what I want.

You can read his fantastic article here. Oh, and just look how beautiful he is! So proud and happy, that light shining from within. Lucky is the man who gets to spend a life with Mr. Collins.

For as happy as I am for Jason, I am amazed that it has taken this 34 year old so long to discover and proclaim who he truly is. But of course, I realize that it has taken me (also 34) just as long and I am still searching. I don't have a national platform with which to herald my true self, but what would I say if I did have a national magazine ready to print my hopes, dreams and desires. Even if I don't have that, isn't every day a chance to proclaim my life as MINE. To unabashedly say without fear that this is who I am and this is what I want! 

Why wait until I lose 20 lbs or pay off that debt or get another job or get my own apartment or, like Mr. Collins, a national tragedy reminds me how precious and fleeting life is?

So what is it? What is that one thing that I am (you are) denying that, once revealed, would help me live the life I always dreamed was possible, the life I know I am (you are) meant to lead? Can we find the bravery to show ourselves for who we truly are and love ourselves enough to never fear the retaliation for proclaiming our true selves?

Boston

I don't have much to say about yesterday's tragedy in Boston that hasn't already been said much more eloquently than I could have imagined. But what I will say is that it's in times like these that I am fiercely thankful for my family, friends, my community and my country. There is a lot that is broken, but there is so much more that is right. People running TOWARDS the explosion to help. People coming out in droves to donate blood. Thousands offering prayers, well-wishes and thoughts of hope and encouragement. 

I've only been to Boston twice. The first as child on my family's "American History" vacation and the other as an adult with my sorority sisters (the two trips were extremely different as you can imagine). But I do know a lot of people from Boston (originally froms or transplants) and they are a fiery, loyal, generous people. I am saddened that this happened to their community, but I know that they will persevere and come through the other side stronger, more resilient and more patriotic than ever. 

All I can offer in this situation is love. It's my default emotion in any catastrophic event and I firmly believe it's the only way to heal. Send it to your family and friends as a reminder of what they mean to you. Send it to the running community whose sense of security was shattered. Send it to the families of those killed or injured. Send it to the aid workers fighting to save lives. Send it to the law enforcement agents who are working tirelessly to track down the person responsible. Send it to the family of the person responsible. Hell, even send it to the person responsible so that he or she may realize the severity of his/her actions, take the full weight of that responsibility and turn his/her own hatred and vengence into a power for positive, non-violent change.

But above all send it to yourselves.  Please be gentle with yourselves today and everyday. And if you feel like you need a little love, send me a note. I'm always happy to listen and send love and encouragement across the miles.

 

HVD, Y'all!

Happy Valentine's Day everyone! Whether you're single, married, divorcing, coupled, desperately looking, cynical and over it, or proudly celibate, I wish you much love today and everyday!

Eat some chocolate and have a glass of your favorite drink and know that there is someone out there thinking about you and wishing you love. And since I gave up alcohol for the month of February and sweets for Lent, you should have an extra of each for me!

Love, love and more love,

Moodylicious

PS - I added myself to this WNYC poll (see if you can find me!) Feel free to add yourself, too!

Visit the full site here!

This List ...

... makes me want to be a better person.

26 Moments That Restored Our Faith In Humanity This Year

Do Unto Others

On Tuesday morning, I popped into the bank to take out cash to buy flowers for my office. Without thinking twice, I held the door for the person behind me. Turns out it was a kid asking for money. Immediately my guard went up. I was annoyed, angry, offended. I thought, "What, because I'm a white woman in your neighborhood getting money out of an ATM you think I'm rich and have money to spare? I just want to take this $20 out and get to the train, kiddo, okay? You're not my problem." He  had a school field trip that day and his dad had been out work and he didn't have enough money to get on the train that day. Or so he said. I rolled my eyes and reached into my pocketbook. "Sorry hon, this is all the change I can spare." I scooped out the pennies, dimes and nickels and practically threw them at him as I rushed out the door, some of the coins crashing to the ground. 

I haven't stopped thinking about that kid since. 

Living in a big city, I've heard all kinds of stories from folks trying to squeeze change out of strangers: My car ran out of gas and I just need a few dollars to get to the hospital to visit my dying mother/sister/brother; I live with my fellow homeless friends under (pick a bridge) and it's my turn to go out and scavenge for food; I'm homeless and just need a dollar or two for beer. At least that last guy was honest. But who's to say the others weren't? I've become so hardened to all the liars and scammers that I ignore everyone, even those who might actually need help. When faced with the hypothetical question, "Would you spare a dollar to help a child eat, learn, grow, or have a chance?", who wouldn't say "YES, of course!". But when faced with the actuality, I became hostile, skeptical and dismissive. 

I'm ashamed of how I treated that boy. Whether or not he was scamming me, I still should have taken the opportunity to treat him with respect. Maybe instead of rushing out of the bank practically throwing the change at him, I could have placed it in hands and said, "Good luck, hon." Even if he were just scamming me maybe that extra kindness would have at least felt like a human worthy of respect instead of a vagrant scraping up coins off the dirty floor. But again, I'm supposing. I don't know what he felt.

The question of how to balance the taking care of our fellow man with the need for self-preservation is a tricky one. And I don't have an answer. I struggle with it everyday in this beautiful, heartbreaking city.

IRL

In an effort to keep the promise to myself to message five guys a week, I jumped on OKCupid last night and did a search for males in my age range in NYC. I didn't find a single person I was interested in. Not one. So I widened my search in both distance and criteria, and while that proved a bit more promising, there still wasn't a single man I was interested in contacting.

My friend KB always asks me how my search on OKC is going. "Have any of them [insert awful anecdote from daters past]?" She knows my search has been troublesome and she is always very encouraging. However, KB believes that love cannot be found online and I'm starting to wonder if she's right. She believes that real true and lasting love is found in real life usually through friends of friends. And when all of your friends are married, too young for you or gay, is it any wonder that you're (I'm) still single?

I like the safety of online dating. You can cruise for guys without having to change out of your comfy pants or leave your couch. And when I do find one that I think is attractive, I can just look through his profile to see if we're compatible instead of wasting time and money in a bar. 

But, on-paper-compatibility doesn't account for chemistry. I've had fantastic online exchanges with a few guys only to be horribly disappointed when, face-to-face, we had the excitement of a Presbyterian deacons meeting. (Love to my Frozen Chosen). 

Online dating is convenient, but merging your life with another's isn't. It's difficult and challenging, so maybe finding that right one should be, too. Maybe it's time to get off the Internet and on to finding someone in real life. 

Does that mean I am going to have to speed-date to do it? I hope not. But I'll try it if I must!

We know it will make for a good story!

Happy MLK Day!

Today, on Martin Luther King Day, our president is inaugurated into his second term and yours truly recovers from five too many mimosas at Drag Bingo. I'm pretty sure nursing a hangover is not the best way celebrate the man who symbolizes the struggle for civil equality. So, on this Nation Day of Service, I can only offer this:

"Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars ... Hate cannot drive out hate: only LOVE can do that." ~ Martin Luther King, Jr. 

As you go about your day today and this week, think about how you can love your fellow Americans a little harder. Not just in words, but in action. Maybe it's as simple as offering your seat to someone on the train, helping a mother carry her stroller up the subway stairs, checking in on an elderly neighbor or finally signing for that volunteer training at the homeless shelter/animal shelter/afterschool tutoring program/Christian counseling center.

But above all let's start with ourselves, because ...

Weddings Make Me Cry

I really dislike how much money Americans spend on weddings and how crazy the brides (and their mothers) get about the whole day. You can spend $20,000 or $20. The result is the same. At the end of the day, you're still married. The wedding is about the couple and the commitment they're making, not about the fucking centerpieces, the votives or the color of the bridesmaid dresses. Ugh. It makes me roll my eyes just thinking about it.

With that said, something happens to me when I'm sitting in the audience and the bride starts walking down the aisle with her father/mother/guardian and I turn back around to the front and catch the look on the groom's face as he sees his bride coming toward him. I lose it. Like just completely lose it. It happens at every fucking wedding, even movie and TV weddings (don't even get me started on Monica and Chandler's wedding).

And when I see videos like this one, I start to cry as well. Not because I feel lonely and "Golly gee, I wish I could have that, too." But because it makes me so happy to see such an out-pouring of love. Everyone deserves to have this much love in their lives.