Letting Go

There is a man in my life who I have had an on-and-off thing with for approximately eight years. We get along really well, have a great time with each other and can be open and honest about our feelings. The only problem is that he lives all the way across the country. In the eight years we've known each other we've only been in each other's presence a handful of times. 

I was able to see him this past weekend (the weekend of skiing fearlessness!) and it was as if no time had passed at all; we picked up right where we had left off. It felt so comfortable and easy that I kept thinking, "Why aren't we in a relationship?". I never brought this up to him because the timing never felt right. Then it hit me as I was driving to the airport to fly back to NYC, "Why am I holding on to the idea that we should be?" After all this time if I haven't made a move and he hasn't made a move then maybe the timing will never be right. To keep holding out hope that he and I could some day make it work and figure out a way to be together is really holding me back. I'm missing out on opportunities that could be right in front of my face because my thoughts, heart and energy are a thousand miles away. 

I'm afraid that if I let him go, I will lose the opportunity to someday be with him, that he will eventually find someone else and I will look back in twenty years with regret and wonder "what if?" But that fear of letting him and the idea of "us" go, is exactly what is holding me back from becoming the woman/partner/lover/mother/teacher I am supposed to be. And in some way, my fears are holding him back, too. 

So when I got home to NYC I gave it a good ponder, took a deep breath and called him. I will spare you the boring details, but it was an honest conversation about what each of us is actually able to give the other person. I decided that it was time move on and let "us" go. After we hung up the phone, I cried ... a lot ... but I don't think it was because I was feeling sadness. I think I was feeling relief. All the anxiety I had about my feelings for him and wondering how he felt about me and all the confusion and restlessness were gone. For the first time, I wasn't freaking out over all the things we could possibly someday have together. I was able to just appreciate and be thankful for what we actually did have. My only regret is that I didn't give us the opportunity to let go sooner. 

The Mountaintop

I am in an airplane right now somewhere over Nebraska or Kansas (Hi mom!) on my way to Denver. Tomorrow I will face my fear of skiing and the panic attacks have hit in full force. Not helping one bit was the phone call last night from the aforementioned mother. I could tell that she was distracted and not telling me what was on her mind. So I flat out asked her "What are you worried about?" "The skiing," she says. "Just learn from your mother's mistake. I went off once without an instructor and was stuck at the top of hill I couldn't get down. I was really up a creek and went down the slope on my backside". I promised her that I would not wander off from the group and I would avoid all trees.

But for other reasons unrelated to winter sports, I am really feeling that panic of being at the top of the hill unable to get down. In a few hours, I will also have a phone interview for a teaching position at a university (my first!). And this is perhaps more frightening than throwing myself down a mountain. Even when I got the email last week requesting the interview, it took me five hours to reply to the email because I was paralyzed by fear. Here is a chance to do what I have wanted to do since I left Chicago in 2005 to get my terminal degree. And when faced with that opportunity, I don't want it. Instead of immediately replying "Yes! Any time is great!", I stare blankly at the computer while thousands of self-depricating thoughts race through my mind. Right in front of me is what I've wanted for so long and it frightens me.

I'm afraid that I will look like a fool. That my answers will be stupid. That they will wonder why they wasted their time on me. That I will suddenly realize that I can't do this, that I'm not cut out for this, I'm not smart/talented/witty/clever enough to have the job I want. Or worse that I will actually get what I want and more will be required of me than I am able to give. Or even worse than that, I'm stuck in a position that doesn't make me as happy as I thought it would and now what do I do with my life!?!?

After freaking out to my buddy McC over Gchat for a bit (okay a lot. He's a saint), I finally replied and set the ball rolling. I reached out to professor friends for any and all potential interview questions and I formulated my responses. I researched the school and the curriculum and the current professors, my potential colleagues. But none of it makes me feel at ease. I'm still stuck at the top of the mountain ready to cry because I don't see any way down to safety.

But that safety of never putting myself in a position of failure is a trap. To never pursue opportunity is safe and comfortable and I would never have to endure the pursed lips, tight throat and raging stomach of self-doubt and fear. I could continue at my day job making a lot of money but never being truly fulfilled or making the difference that I want to and know I can make.

So what is the worst things that can happen? I bomb the interview. I tumble down the mountain on my backside. But I will be wearing a helmet, so how much damage can really be done? (Don't answer that!). I will stand up and brush myself off. The bruises will heal and I will learn valuable lessons for the next run. 

In All Areas

After this week's email fiasco, it has really hit me how important it is to treat everyone with respect and kindness in every moment. And not just what we say and do to them in person, but also what we say about them behind their backs and even what we think about them as well. Our thoughts become words and our  words become action. If we can change how we think about people and begin to think kindness and love over them, it will so quickly begin to change ourselves and our communities.

But I know that's easier said than done. Life is hard. It's especially difficult to think positively about everyone at all times when you live in a rat-infested cement jungle that constantly smells of piss and sewage. We get lost in our thoughts and struggles and sometimes we have a bad day. But no matter how bad it is for you, there is always someone who has it worse.

Even as we New Yorkers cram into subway cars and ignore each other by staring at our iPhones, there can still be moments of kindness. I've seen hundreds of them. A man gives up his seat for a mother and her child. One woman calls out to another woman as she's leaving the train because that woman has forgotten her purse. A young woman stays in her seat so as not to disturb her neighbor who has fallen asleep and is now leaning against her. As we struggle through this difficult and often devastating life, it's important to recognize these moments and celebrate them. It's what's gonna get us though. Together.

And because I love baseball, today I celebrate this young man and his act of kindness and generosity.

Creation is Love

At a particularly low point in my life, I started The Artist's Way, a 12-week journey of exercises and exploration to help you unleash your inner creative self. I was looking for inspiration to help me continue to live the "NYC Actor" life. Instead, it made me realize all the other things I wanted in life. I immediately stopped auditioning and got a day job to earn the money that would help me make all of my other dreams come true. But that's not the point of this post. The point is that the author was encouraging all of us to embrace our own inner creator because the ultimate Creator loves us and wants us to continue His/Her work of creating.

That really struck me. I was created to create. I give thanks for being created by continuing to create. Creation is an act of love.

I use all the projects in my life (writing, directing, teaching) as a way to distract myself from finding love. But ultimately, all of these projects are love. I am creating something of myself and presenting it to the world. I am giving my love, thoughts, emotions and experience to others. And of course, there is the love that is exchanged between the other members of these projects. We open ourselves to each other, trust that our emotions and hearts will be accepted by and kept safe with these other people. And, at the end of it all, we hopefully walk away with some amazing friendships.

So I am not going to beat myself up for not pursuing love by scoping out dudes on OKCupid or going on countless speed dates. Instead I'm giving thanks that I have the opportunity to create and send love out into the world that way. And when the summer ends and things slow down, then I'll get back to finding just one person to give my love to. And hotdamn, he will be one lucky man. 

Better to Have

On Friday, I was GChattin with a gal pal of mine, just the usual get-us-through-Friday-afternoon stuff like pics of guys in suits or cute dogs. Out of nowhere, she dropped the bomb on me that she was harboring an intense hatred for her ex and regretted wasting her youth on someone as evil as he. I tried to talk her down with cliches like "it's better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all" and shit like that. But she wasn't convinced. And neither was I. 

I thought back to the relationships and pseudo relationships I've had. Do I feel that way about the guys to whom I've given my heart? Do I wish I would never have wasted a breath on them? Absolutely, 100%, not at all. 

All of those relationships have gotten me here to this moment. I really enjoy my life, all the places I've been and all of the crazy, beautiful people I've met along the way. And even though I am still single while many of these men are all married and white picket fence, I don't think I would have done anything differently. 

That's not to say I didn't hurt them or wasn't hurt by them. I can give you a list of the shit I've done out of confusion, spite, jelousy and down right stupidity. A boy from high school, a summer showmance, a man I met at a wedding, a good friend from grad school and enough Chicago improvisers to form a house team. I fell in love easily and fell hard. But I've learned something from each of these relationships. I know how I want to be treated and how to treat the next man I fall in love with. 

Sure, I'm still single and childless but I'm happy. I don't think I would be as happy or happier if things with any of these gentlemen had things turned out any differently. And I don't think they would be either. 

I don't think it's ever a waste to love someone no matter how badly it hurts at the end of it. Just be thankful for the time you've had with that person, wish them well and send them on their way. It's painful, but in the long run it's better to be grateful than hateful. And you can quote me on that!

Another Dream

Last night, I dreamt that one of my friends, who, in real life, kind of has my dream job, got a beautiful new house and she was giving me the tour. The windows were big and sparkly clean and looked out onto a clear, sunny day. However, I was really concerned because all of the windows (and the front door) were either wide open or unlocked. Then a detective came by (you know, like they do) and I don't really remember much after that.

You know how much I like to interpret dreams, so here it goes:

"To see a window in your dream signifies bright hopes, vast possibilities and insight. To dream that you are looking out the window signifies your outlook on life, your consciousness and your point of view. It also refers to your intuition and awareness. You may be reflecting on a decision."

"To see an opened door in your dream symbolizes your receptiveness and willingness to accept new ideas/concepts."

So I am looking out onto clear, sunny possibilities and reflecting on a decision. The open door represents my readiness to accept the new possibilities. But in the dream I was really scared/concerned because the windows and door was open. So in my waking life I'm ready, but scared shit-less.

"To see a detective in your dream signifies the thrills and dangers in some aspect of your waking life."

So not scared without reason. These new possibilities are frightening and I'm not sure I'm ready for them.

"... dreaming of a friend indicates positive news."

I've been working this whole year to open myself up to possibilities and it's like my subconscious is warning me that these possibilities are about to happen. Okay, so I better get it together quickly, my friends!

The Run Down

I know you've all been waiting patiently for the update on my Speed Dating adventures, so I apologize that I've been neglecting you. I was in an all-week training and blah, blah, blah. But enough excuses. Here we go.

I was super excited, but really nervous. When you've been single as long as I've been, you really start to believe that there is something wrong with you. The reason you are single is because you are unattractive, uninteresting and generally unappealling all around

And as soon as that first bell rang, I really wondered what I had gotten myself into. My first "date" was no date. Yeah, apparently some dudes came late so a few of us ladies were dateless. Awesome. So I tried to calm down and not swallow my wine in one gulp and just patiently wait for the next date ....

.... Who flat out told me he had a wife and kids!! Okay, I get that there are all kinds of relationships out there, but Dude! DON'T come to a singles event expecting anyone to be interested in that shit. Any single woman in her 30s who comes to Speed Dating is not looking to be your third or your mistress. Go find an event for that and stop wasting my time.

Once I shook off the disastrous start, I started to have a lot of fun. A lot of the guys commented on my beautiful smile, how easy it was to chat with me and that I seemed like a lot of fun. Okay, so not a complete troll.

There were a few other moments that made say, "huh?" One guy sat down and started grilling me. "Are you in sales? Are you in marketing? Have you ever been married? Do you have any kids?" When I answered no to all of the above, he seemed to breathe a sigh of relief. For him, apparently, the ladies had looked unfavorably on him because he's never been married. Come on ladies! Be grateful there's no ex-wife or alimony you have to deal with.

Then there was the super shy librarian who I thought might honestly crumble into a million tiny pieces if a strong breeze came through the bar. (My friend compared him to Milton from Office Space) It was difficult to pry answers out of him, but once he admitted that he finds it hard to trust people, we had a nice, open conversation. Unfortunately, I didn't pick him because let's be honest, I could steam roll this guy and if you've read any of my blog posts up until now, you've probably gathered that I need a man who can stand up to me.

The guys were really interested in the fact that I used to be an actress ("Have you been in anything I would have seen?") including one guy who used his entire three minutes to re-enact his favorite moments from The Big Bang Theory. A bunch of the others wanted to know all about my tattoo and apparently having a tattoo means you're a total tiger in the sack because some of them were not-so-appropriate once they saw it.

But the night ended with two guys out-rightly expressing their interest and I was matched up with four others the next day.

So I feel good about the whole experience. I would definitely recommend it to anyone and everyone (except that dude with a wife and kids). In NYC, it can be difficult to meet new people, so this was a great way to hear different stories, feel new energies, and step out of my comfort zone.

It was a great confidence booster, too. I recognize that I'm not a completely disgusting slob. That I am an interesting person with her shit together (for the most part). There's no need to freak out about being single, because I am a catch and if I keep putting myself out there, eventually someone as equally as wonderful will snatch me up!

Proof of Heaven

About a week ago, I finished a book called Proof of Heaven: A Neurosurgeon’s Journey into the Afterlife and I can't stop thinking about it. I know this isn't a book review blog or a blog about religion, but I hope you'll indulge me for a bit.

The author, Eben Alexander MD, is a neuroscientist who back in 2008 suffered an attack of bacterial meningitis that left him in a coma for a week. While he was in this life-threatening coma, he experienced a near death experience. He should not have survived this violent bacterial infection, but he was "sent back". Perhaps simply to write this book.

He recounts his experience afterwards using our limited vocabulary.

" ... I had already been taught the one thing - the only thing - that, in that final analysis, truly matters ... It came in three parts, and to take one more shot at putting it into words (because of course it was initially delivered wordlessly), it would be something like this:

You are loved and cherished.
You have nothing to fear.
There is nothing you can do wrong.

If I had to boil this entire message down to one sentence, it would run this way:

You are loved.

And if I had to boil it down further, to just one word, it would (of course) be, simply:

Love

Love is, without a doubt the basis of everything ... This is the reality of realities, the incomprehensibly glorious truth of truths that lives and breathes at the core of everything that exits or that ever will exist, and no remotely accurate understanding of who and what we are can be achieved by anyone who does not know it, and embody it in all of their actions."

Dr. Alexander was a scientist who looked at religion, God and NDEs from a purely scientific point of view. Every event during sickness or at the end of life could be explained away with science. They were hallucinations that the brain concocted as a way of helping the patient deal with the end of his life. But Alexander's own NDE gave him an understanding that his colleagues refused to accept. These events were not merely fantasies of the brain, but rather God wrapping the patient in His/Her infinite love and ushering that patient from this world into the next. 

His colleagues have become critics asserting that he is irresponsible and knows nothing of brain science and that his book is "anti-science". He recounts his story and responds to his critics here.

So maybe I'm a misinformed layman who enjoyed this book simply because I'm searching for something, anything, that will give me a greater sense of purpose and understanding for why we're all here. Or because I will latch on to anything that affirms my long-held belief that we are all connected by a power greater than us. But I would like think that no matter what you believe, the idea that love is all around us, even in the traumatizing and unknown, would be comforting and empowering. And I'm much happier living in that reality than any other.

Questions

I've been quite frustrated the last few days and not sure what to do. I've been questioning my current situation and coming up with few answers. 

I've been presented with an opportunity that, while it could make me incredibly happy, would turn my life inside outside. I've been stressing out, running through all the scenarios and trying to figure out how to take the opportunity and not turn my life completely upside down. I'm fearing the potential change.

On the other hand, I did just spend four days training for this movement certification I'm working towards and I found myself SO happy to be in that room studying with those people. The main tenant of the method I'm studying is if you can improve your movement, you can improve your self-image. I love that it's all geared towards meeting people where they are and helping them be their best selves. A common phrase often said in the training is, "If you don't know what you're doing, you can't do what you want". It helps people become aware of what they're doing, so that they can do and become what they want. And not just in movement. In all areas of their lives.

So if I'm studying this, investing time and money into this idea with the hopes that I can one day teach this, why am I not practicing this myself? If I can encourage people to change themselves, why am I fearing this change in myself. 

I know I'm being vague by not giving out details of what I'm trying to work through, but I think the most important idea here is that I'm scared of the potential change I may have to make even though it might give me the life I want. And I'm not quite sure yet how to let go of that fear.

This List ...

... makes me want to be a better person.

26 Moments That Restored Our Faith In Humanity This Year

Do Unto Others

On Tuesday morning, I popped into the bank to take out cash to buy flowers for my office. Without thinking twice, I held the door for the person behind me. Turns out it was a kid asking for money. Immediately my guard went up. I was annoyed, angry, offended. I thought, "What, because I'm a white woman in your neighborhood getting money out of an ATM you think I'm rich and have money to spare? I just want to take this $20 out and get to the train, kiddo, okay? You're not my problem." He  had a school field trip that day and his dad had been out work and he didn't have enough money to get on the train that day. Or so he said. I rolled my eyes and reached into my pocketbook. "Sorry hon, this is all the change I can spare." I scooped out the pennies, dimes and nickels and practically threw them at him as I rushed out the door, some of the coins crashing to the ground. 

I haven't stopped thinking about that kid since. 

Living in a big city, I've heard all kinds of stories from folks trying to squeeze change out of strangers: My car ran out of gas and I just need a few dollars to get to the hospital to visit my dying mother/sister/brother; I live with my fellow homeless friends under (pick a bridge) and it's my turn to go out and scavenge for food; I'm homeless and just need a dollar or two for beer. At least that last guy was honest. But who's to say the others weren't? I've become so hardened to all the liars and scammers that I ignore everyone, even those who might actually need help. When faced with the hypothetical question, "Would you spare a dollar to help a child eat, learn, grow, or have a chance?", who wouldn't say "YES, of course!". But when faced with the actuality, I became hostile, skeptical and dismissive. 

I'm ashamed of how I treated that boy. Whether or not he was scamming me, I still should have taken the opportunity to treat him with respect. Maybe instead of rushing out of the bank practically throwing the change at him, I could have placed it in hands and said, "Good luck, hon." Even if he were just scamming me maybe that extra kindness would have at least felt like a human worthy of respect instead of a vagrant scraping up coins off the dirty floor. But again, I'm supposing. I don't know what he felt.

The question of how to balance the taking care of our fellow man with the need for self-preservation is a tricky one. And I don't have an answer. I struggle with it everyday in this beautiful, heartbreaking city.

IRL

In an effort to keep the promise to myself to message five guys a week, I jumped on OKCupid last night and did a search for males in my age range in NYC. I didn't find a single person I was interested in. Not one. So I widened my search in both distance and criteria, and while that proved a bit more promising, there still wasn't a single man I was interested in contacting.

My friend KB always asks me how my search on OKC is going. "Have any of them [insert awful anecdote from daters past]?" She knows my search has been troublesome and she is always very encouraging. However, KB believes that love cannot be found online and I'm starting to wonder if she's right. She believes that real true and lasting love is found in real life usually through friends of friends. And when all of your friends are married, too young for you or gay, is it any wonder that you're (I'm) still single?

I like the safety of online dating. You can cruise for guys without having to change out of your comfy pants or leave your couch. And when I do find one that I think is attractive, I can just look through his profile to see if we're compatible instead of wasting time and money in a bar. 

But, on-paper-compatibility doesn't account for chemistry. I've had fantastic online exchanges with a few guys only to be horribly disappointed when, face-to-face, we had the excitement of a Presbyterian deacons meeting. (Love to my Frozen Chosen). 

Online dating is convenient, but merging your life with another's isn't. It's difficult and challenging, so maybe finding that right one should be, too. Maybe it's time to get off the Internet and on to finding someone in real life. 

Does that mean I am going to have to speed-date to do it? I hope not. But I'll try it if I must!

We know it will make for a good story!

Quotes

I've heard the expression "guard your heart" many times in my adult life usually in reference to a new relationship or calling up an ex. But I came across a Bible verse this morning that really struck me: 

Guard your heart above all else for it determines the course of your life. - Proverbs 4:23. 

I can think of many times in my life that I have desired something or someone I knew wasn't good for me, but went for it anyway. Of course, the outcome was painful and destructive and in many cases, it took years to rebuild relationships or my own self-confidence/ability to trust.

 

Another translation of this same verse says: 

"Be careful what you think because your thoughts run your life."

Boom! Isn't that exactly what I've been doing all month? What you set your heart upon will become your life. So be careful with it, choose wisely, but envision the best for yourself and don't settle for less.

 

This past month I have been trying to live the life I have always envisioned I could live. And everyday I feel like I am getting closer to that. It hasn't been easy. I'm having to face the fact that if I want certain things (to lose 20 lbs), I will have to give up other things (sleeping in and several bottles of wine). I also came across this quote this weekend:

I must be willing to give up what I am in order to become what I will be. - Albert Einstein

It's painful giving up what we know and what is comfortable. And change is scary.  But hell, all of life is fucking scary. Why not meet it with bravery and openness? Because as a wise woman once said,

The greatest risks have the greatest rewards - Moodylicious

New Year's Visions

I am a big fan of making resolutions in the new year because I love change and self-improvement. However, I really dislike the word "resolution". It feels like an insurmountable obligation or a way to torture ourselves into being the people that we (or other people) think we should be. So instead of making "resolutions", this year I'm creating visions. To me, they sound much more friendly. A clear, lovely picture of what you envision for your life.

I have 9 visions for the New Year. But don't worry. Today I'm just talking about the first vision.

2013 Vision #1: Lose 20 lbs.

Yes, I hear the collective groan from the internet. And before you roll your eyes at me and say "Come on. EVERYONE has that goal and no one keeps it past January 15th", let me slap you down with this chocolate-filled butter croisant and teach you a thing or two.

The reason everyone wants to lose weight is to feel better naked. To feel more attractive. To feel sexy, comfortable and confident in their own skin. Losing weight is the easiest and most tangible way to do this. Sometimes a nice haircut or roll in the sack with a sexy European can do this as well, but these moments are fleeting and rare.

On the flip side, layers of fat are safe. They protect you from people seeing the real you. If you are fat, no one sees you. You are ignored. You don't exist to strangers and/or potential mates, because you are a disgusting, unfuckable mess. No one ever gives you unwanted sexual advances and you pretend that it's better this way because then you can just focus on yourself and your hobbies and your career (and the dozen potato samosas sitting on your lap) and not let anyone get too close to you. These layers of fat literally push everyone away until you are lonely and miserable in your gelatinous cocoon. And when I say you, I obviously mean the general you. And by the general you, I obviously mean me.

Friends tell me all of the time, "You're not fat!" or "You ARE beautiful and sexy. I don't know why you can't see yourself the way WE see you." And to them, I smile and say "Thanks" to shut them up, but know in my heart of hearts that if I were 20 lbs lighter, I may actually get asked out on a date (and not by the old, homeless man who has a thing for fat chicks or the Mexican short-order cook who wants a green card).

Or maybe, MAYBE, if I were 20 lbs lighter, I might even feel sexy and confident enough to ask someone on a date. But the bottom line is, I'm tired of using my fat as an excuse for why I am miserably single.