Letting Go

There is a man in my life who I have had an on-and-off thing with for approximately eight years. We get along really well, have a great time with each other and can be open and honest about our feelings. The only problem is that he lives all the way across the country. In the eight years we've known each other we've only been in each other's presence a handful of times. 

I was able to see him this past weekend (the weekend of skiing fearlessness!) and it was as if no time had passed at all; we picked up right where we had left off. It felt so comfortable and easy that I kept thinking, "Why aren't we in a relationship?". I never brought this up to him because the timing never felt right. Then it hit me as I was driving to the airport to fly back to NYC, "Why am I holding on to the idea that we should be?" After all this time if I haven't made a move and he hasn't made a move then maybe the timing will never be right. To keep holding out hope that he and I could some day make it work and figure out a way to be together is really holding me back. I'm missing out on opportunities that could be right in front of my face because my thoughts, heart and energy are a thousand miles away. 

I'm afraid that if I let him go, I will lose the opportunity to someday be with him, that he will eventually find someone else and I will look back in twenty years with regret and wonder "what if?" But that fear of letting him and the idea of "us" go, is exactly what is holding me back from becoming the woman/partner/lover/mother/teacher I am supposed to be. And in some way, my fears are holding him back, too. 

So when I got home to NYC I gave it a good ponder, took a deep breath and called him. I will spare you the boring details, but it was an honest conversation about what each of us is actually able to give the other person. I decided that it was time move on and let "us" go. After we hung up the phone, I cried ... a lot ... but I don't think it was because I was feeling sadness. I think I was feeling relief. All the anxiety I had about my feelings for him and wondering how he felt about me and all the confusion and restlessness were gone. For the first time, I wasn't freaking out over all the things we could possibly someday have together. I was able to just appreciate and be thankful for what we actually did have. My only regret is that I didn't give us the opportunity to let go sooner. 

The Year of No Fear

So why a year of no fear? Well, I reached what is essentially the beginning of middle age (No joke. It's younger than you think) and realized there are so many things I haven't tried yet. And why is that? Because somewhere along the way I convinced myself (or allowed someone to convince me) that I couldn't do it. And I no longer want to think that I am limited in any way or there is anything out there that I can't do. 

It's only been nine days into this new year and already I'm floored by how many sneaky ways fear infiltrates my life. Suppose you're sitting at the bar waiting for a friend. What is the first thing you do? Well, I'm embarrassed to say it, but after I order my drink, I pull out my phone and start tapping away. Why? Fear. Fear of my environment, talking to someone new, or, Heaven forbid, that someone will see me by myself and think "she's alone which means she's single which means she has no friends which means no one loves her and she will die alone" so let me give myself something to do so it looks like "Yes, I do have friends and loved ones and lead a very important life!!!!" That's a ridiculous spiral, I know, but there is a lot of truth in it. And this example may seem small ("It's not like you're talking about jumping out of a plane, Moodylicious"), but it is a symptom of larger disease. 

I have lived what I have thought is a pretty fearless life. I can pack up my bags and move to a new city with no job or contacts in the area. Sounds exciting to me. I have no problem speaking or singing in front of people. Bring it on. I love it. But I know that there are still dreams I have yet to accomplish and for all of my hard work and determination, I still feel so far away from achieving them. 

So let's try something new. Let's look at what might be in my way. And I know that the answer is not in anything "out there". It's all in here, inside my head and heart. And until I have the courage to face these fears (or just say fuck it and do it anyway), I won't be able to live up to all of amazing possibilities the Universe has waiting for me. 

One Director's Thoughts

The play that I've been working on since November opens tonight and I could not be more proud of the project and my entire cast and crew. Here are the "Director's Notes" that I composed for the program. 

One of my favorite writers once wrote, "Forever is composed of Nows". If I could edit Ms. Dickinson's words (although I would never claim to be as brilliant), I would say, "The FUTURE is composed of Nows". The life we live right now dictates what our future will hold. How we treat one another in this very moment will shape the culture and policies of our future world. And that's not just the world of the next generation. That's our world of next year, next month and even tomorrow. We all have, within us, the ability to affect the future and the opportunity to do so is right now. That's right. Right now as you're reading this. Turn to that person next to you (no, not the one you came with; the one on the other side), and just make eye contact and smile. That smile of, "Hey lady/man, my fellow human of this world. I got your back. If shit goes down tonight, I'll be there for you, I promise."

And that's all it takes. We're all in this together as a team. We, as a company of A Future Imperfect, have accepted the responsibility of taking care of one another and we extend that same attention to you. We hope that you will receive it and maybe, at some point in the next 80 minutes, feel inclined to return it. And even if you don't feel so inclined, that's okay. But you can still have ours. We'll never ask for it back.

Thank you for being here and for supporting live theatre.

Here's to all the people who create and put their heart and souls on display for the public. You are heroes. Please continue to create. The world needs to hear your voice. 

Creation is Love

At a particularly low point in my life, I started The Artist's Way, a 12-week journey of exercises and exploration to help you unleash your inner creative self. I was looking for inspiration to help me continue to live the "NYC Actor" life. Instead, it made me realize all the other things I wanted in life. I immediately stopped auditioning and got a day job to earn the money that would help me make all of my other dreams come true. But that's not the point of this post. The point is that the author was encouraging all of us to embrace our own inner creator because the ultimate Creator loves us and wants us to continue His/Her work of creating.

That really struck me. I was created to create. I give thanks for being created by continuing to create. Creation is an act of love.

I use all the projects in my life (writing, directing, teaching) as a way to distract myself from finding love. But ultimately, all of these projects are love. I am creating something of myself and presenting it to the world. I am giving my love, thoughts, emotions and experience to others. And of course, there is the love that is exchanged between the other members of these projects. We open ourselves to each other, trust that our emotions and hearts will be accepted by and kept safe with these other people. And, at the end of it all, we hopefully walk away with some amazing friendships.

So I am not going to beat myself up for not pursuing love by scoping out dudes on OKCupid or going on countless speed dates. Instead I'm giving thanks that I have the opportunity to create and send love out into the world that way. And when the summer ends and things slow down, then I'll get back to finding just one person to give my love to. And hotdamn, he will be one lucky man. 

Bravo, Mr. Collins!

We all deserve love in our lives and we all deserve to search for that love without fear of animosity or retaliation. I don't follow basketball much (expect for my home state Jayhawks!), so I've never seen or heard of Jason Collins before today. But I am so impressed with him and his beautifully eloquent coming out. 

I wish that all of us - gay, straight, bi, trans, man, woman, black, white, red, yellow, brown, pink and purple - could find as much bravery within ourselves to live our life so boldly and passionately. How good it must feel to speak the words you've been dying to speak for so long. To be able to say with confidence that this is who I am and this is what I want.

You can read his fantastic article here. Oh, and just look how beautiful he is! So proud and happy, that light shining from within. Lucky is the man who gets to spend a life with Mr. Collins.

For as happy as I am for Jason, I am amazed that it has taken this 34 year old so long to discover and proclaim who he truly is. But of course, I realize that it has taken me (also 34) just as long and I am still searching. I don't have a national platform with which to herald my true self, but what would I say if I did have a national magazine ready to print my hopes, dreams and desires. Even if I don't have that, isn't every day a chance to proclaim my life as MINE. To unabashedly say without fear that this is who I am and this is what I want! 

Why wait until I lose 20 lbs or pay off that debt or get another job or get my own apartment or, like Mr. Collins, a national tragedy reminds me how precious and fleeting life is?

So what is it? What is that one thing that I am (you are) denying that, once revealed, would help me live the life I always dreamed was possible, the life I know I am (you are) meant to lead? Can we find the bravery to show ourselves for who we truly are and love ourselves enough to never fear the retaliation for proclaiming our true selves?

Like a Band-Aid

In a fit of boredom/anger/desperation last week, I deleted my profiles from ALL of the online dating sites I apathetically frequented: OKCupid, match.com, Christian Mingle, eHarmony. Done. With all of them. And to tell you the truth, I've never felt better. It kind of feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. No longer do I feel obligated to login and run a search of potential mates or respond to a jackbag's eloquently penned message of "hey". I'm left with tons more time now to do .... something, who knows.

But the problem is, online dating is kind of how New Yorkers find each other. When a gal pal says that she's engaged, chances are she met him on match.com. Another gal pal gets a new beau and where'd she meet him? OKCupid. We don't bother talking to people here in NYC. We put our earbuds in, crank up the music and actively ignore each other. And if you do happen to accidentally make eye contact with another person, you're greeted with a look of fear and distrust. It's so much easier to search for people online and send them a two-word greeting from the safety of your living room couch.

But the easiest way is not always the most rewarding way. So I'm taking it to the streets. Yup. I'm actually going to break out of my comfort zone and talk to a flesh and blood male. Well, I actually have no trouble talking to real life males, I talk to them all the time. But I'm suggesting chatting with one I might actually be attracted to and not just the parking lot attendant across the street who I say hello to every morning. 

And who cares if I get rejected because the dude has a girlfriend or he finds me repulsive. Whatever. At least I did it. And the next one will be that much easier and the following one even easier. And before you know it, I will be picking up men left and right. 

Sounds like fun. 

Spring Has Sprung?

We've sprung forward, vernally equinoxed and Easter has come and gone. It's officially spring, but you'd never fucking know it! Us New Yorkers are still bundled up against the bitter wind and about ready to go crazy. I'm feeling spring fever this year in a way I've never felt before. I'm ready for warmer weather, to shed these winter layers and flirt with all the boys. Yes, friends. Moody is feeling frisky.

Maybe it's the long winter, this project of "Love in 2013" or the simple fact that this girl's clock is a-tickin', but damn, I am feeling the spring mating season way down deep in my lady parts. Guy friends that I've never found attractive are suddenly sexy as hell. I am purposely catching the eyes of gentlemen on the street. I'm feeling smokin' hot in all of my clothes and I haven't even shed a single pound. 

I'm still balancing this desire for a significant other with my apathy for dating and I still feel like its time to chill on "the hunt" for a bit. But I think, in the meantime, I will continue to sashay my hips down the streets of NYC, be fun and flirty with no agenda and just enjoy the coming spring!

The Run Down

I know you've all been waiting patiently for the update on my Speed Dating adventures, so I apologize that I've been neglecting you. I was in an all-week training and blah, blah, blah. But enough excuses. Here we go.

I was super excited, but really nervous. When you've been single as long as I've been, you really start to believe that there is something wrong with you. The reason you are single is because you are unattractive, uninteresting and generally unappealling all around

And as soon as that first bell rang, I really wondered what I had gotten myself into. My first "date" was no date. Yeah, apparently some dudes came late so a few of us ladies were dateless. Awesome. So I tried to calm down and not swallow my wine in one gulp and just patiently wait for the next date ....

.... Who flat out told me he had a wife and kids!! Okay, I get that there are all kinds of relationships out there, but Dude! DON'T come to a singles event expecting anyone to be interested in that shit. Any single woman in her 30s who comes to Speed Dating is not looking to be your third or your mistress. Go find an event for that and stop wasting my time.

Once I shook off the disastrous start, I started to have a lot of fun. A lot of the guys commented on my beautiful smile, how easy it was to chat with me and that I seemed like a lot of fun. Okay, so not a complete troll.

There were a few other moments that made say, "huh?" One guy sat down and started grilling me. "Are you in sales? Are you in marketing? Have you ever been married? Do you have any kids?" When I answered no to all of the above, he seemed to breathe a sigh of relief. For him, apparently, the ladies had looked unfavorably on him because he's never been married. Come on ladies! Be grateful there's no ex-wife or alimony you have to deal with.

Then there was the super shy librarian who I thought might honestly crumble into a million tiny pieces if a strong breeze came through the bar. (My friend compared him to Milton from Office Space) It was difficult to pry answers out of him, but once he admitted that he finds it hard to trust people, we had a nice, open conversation. Unfortunately, I didn't pick him because let's be honest, I could steam roll this guy and if you've read any of my blog posts up until now, you've probably gathered that I need a man who can stand up to me.

The guys were really interested in the fact that I used to be an actress ("Have you been in anything I would have seen?") including one guy who used his entire three minutes to re-enact his favorite moments from The Big Bang Theory. A bunch of the others wanted to know all about my tattoo and apparently having a tattoo means you're a total tiger in the sack because some of them were not-so-appropriate once they saw it.

But the night ended with two guys out-rightly expressing their interest and I was matched up with four others the next day.

So I feel good about the whole experience. I would definitely recommend it to anyone and everyone (except that dude with a wife and kids). In NYC, it can be difficult to meet new people, so this was a great way to hear different stories, feel new energies, and step out of my comfort zone.

It was a great confidence booster, too. I recognize that I'm not a completely disgusting slob. That I am an interesting person with her shit together (for the most part). There's no need to freak out about being single, because I am a catch and if I keep putting myself out there, eventually someone as equally as wonderful will snatch me up!

Moment of Truth

Well, today is the day of the big experiment called Speed Dating. I have no idea what to expect, how many people I am going to meet or what I'm even going to talk about. Sure, I've run through the scenarios of various questions, but it could all change once there is a living, breathing human being in front of me.

Also, oh my gosh, what if some floozy is wearing my same dress!? I will be mortified. I just hope I win the "Who wore it better?"

At the very least, I will get a free drink and a chance to practice some conversational skills. And hopefully a funny story or two.

IRL

In an effort to keep the promise to myself to message five guys a week, I jumped on OKCupid last night and did a search for males in my age range in NYC. I didn't find a single person I was interested in. Not one. So I widened my search in both distance and criteria, and while that proved a bit more promising, there still wasn't a single man I was interested in contacting.

My friend KB always asks me how my search on OKC is going. "Have any of them [insert awful anecdote from daters past]?" She knows my search has been troublesome and she is always very encouraging. However, KB believes that love cannot be found online and I'm starting to wonder if she's right. She believes that real true and lasting love is found in real life usually through friends of friends. And when all of your friends are married, too young for you or gay, is it any wonder that you're (I'm) still single?

I like the safety of online dating. You can cruise for guys without having to change out of your comfy pants or leave your couch. And when I do find one that I think is attractive, I can just look through his profile to see if we're compatible instead of wasting time and money in a bar. 

But, on-paper-compatibility doesn't account for chemistry. I've had fantastic online exchanges with a few guys only to be horribly disappointed when, face-to-face, we had the excitement of a Presbyterian deacons meeting. (Love to my Frozen Chosen). 

Online dating is convenient, but merging your life with another's isn't. It's difficult and challenging, so maybe finding that right one should be, too. Maybe it's time to get off the Internet and on to finding someone in real life. 

Does that mean I am going to have to speed-date to do it? I hope not. But I'll try it if I must!

We know it will make for a good story!

Make Falling In Love A Priority

Why You Should Make Falling In Love A Priority | Thought Catalog

My friend just sent this to me and I first I was like, "Thanks, LR, but too bad I can't read it from all the eye rolling I'm doing", and then I stopped being a snarky bitch and read it.

The thing is, the writer is totally spot on. It's time to make love a priority.

Let's DO this!