I Am More Than My Horse Face

I am currently directing a show for the NY International Fringe Festival. It's a big deal for all of us involved because we're very excited to have this level of exposure to our work. So yesterday, being the good promoter that I am, I sent an email to my professional contacts letting them know about the show. There were a bunch of contacts included in the email that are not in NY but I think it's important for people to know what I'm up to and to let people know that I'm also now directing. I get the following reply from a prominent Artistic Director in Kansas City:

"Remember her, wasn't she the one, horse face, in the thinks first show?"

At first I was shocked, then angry, but after about a minute I just started laughing. This old fart had replied to me when he clearly meant to forward it on to someone else. He had fucked up. Big time.

Of all the things that the Internet is good for, stupidity shaming is the best. I brainstormed all the ways I could  throw this back in the guy's face. I could write an open letter to the Kansas City theatre community or perhaps forward it on to the theatre critics in town and give them an inside scoop on how artistic directors treat the talent that work (or try to work) so hard for them. 

Instead, I decided to simply reply with my usual sassy wit and charm. 

"Hi {Artistic Director}!

I think you may have meant to send your email to someone else, and even though I don't know who you are referring to when you say "the thinks", I was in {theatre company}'s first show, {name of show}.

If you take a look at my website {inserted direct link to my professional website} you'll see a bunch of reviews and find other things I have been called besides "horse face". For that very show, {KC theatre critic} said I had a powerful voice and gave a big-hearted performance. {Another theatre reviewer} from {another KC paper} called my performance in 1776 with {another theatre company} "show-stopping". And while you may not know this, I've actually worked all over the country and been called, "bold", "sexy and smart", "daring", "electric", "a hoot", "a wonder", and even "enigmatic".

And {Artistic Director}, while I've got your ear, I do, in all seriousness, want to say thank you for all of your hard work over the years in bringing theatre to the Kansas City community. Since you now know that I am a director (and not just a horse-faced actress), I believe in creating opportunities for artists and telling stories well and honestly. I believe that it is important to create art and theatre wherever you are. It's in the theatre where lives can be changed and even saved. So thank you for all of your years of service to Kansas City. With theatres closing all over the country (and in Kansas City) it is important that you continue to thrive and create opportunities for artists in the community.

Thank you also for your support of newer companies like {"the things" company}. They, and artists like them, are the future of American theatre.

If you will be in NYC this August and would like to come see the show, please let me know and I will happily have two tickets waiting for you and a guest. If not, I wish you a happy and healthy August and all the best with your current and upcoming productions.

With admiration,
Me

I don't care that this old, gay dude thinks I have a "horse face". What I DO care about are the actors in Kansas City who want desperately to work for this man and put their artistic worth in his hands. Clearly this man has very little respect for actors or other artists creating theatre in Kansas City. If he holds this attitude of me, he certainly holds it of many more.

If I could do one thing, it would be to empower my fellow artists in Kansas City to start creating their own work. Don't allow the hostility and disrespect of people like this Artistic Director to affect how you view yourself or your talent. Yes, you need the money and his contracts are appealing; please continue to seek jobs at his thetare in order to feed your family. However, you don't have to rely on him to help you be an actor/musician/artist. YOU have the power to create theatre that is actually worth seeing, that challenges yourself, your peers and the entire Kansas City community. Don't settle for the same surface comedies and musicals over and over. Start writing that one-person show you've always wanted to write, adapt your favorite short story or poem. Gather your friends together and write that site-specific piece you've been talking about and do it in a coffee shop, a church, an apartment and invite the entire community, not just the privileged few who can afford $60 for a great buffet and a colorful comedy.

If Kansas City theatre is going to survive, if the American Theatre is going to survive, it's not because of people like this artistic director who settle for the same stories Kansas City has heard a hundred times before. It's because of you, the artists who do the actual work in telling the stories. You are worth more than this spiteful septuagenarian's opinion of you. Create your own work, tell your stories boldly, passionately and honestly and never, NEVER, for a second, give your power to an Artistic Director who has no respect for the work that you do or the person that you are.

Le Sigh

A guy that I met at Speed Dating emailed me yesterday ...

(yay?)

... to sell me a weekend event with his networking company. Ugh. It is not okay to meet ladies under the guise of looking for love only to email them when you want to sell. them. something.

Boo. Bad form pal.

But totally indicative of my dating life right now.

Thank You?

On a train ride home last week, a guy walked all the way from the other side of the train to stand right in front of me. He was just staring at my legs in my brown knee high boots and as we pull into the station he says to me "I think I'm attracted to you." And then, as he's making this big round shape with his hands he says, "You're really healthy. I like that."

"Thank you," I say. I mean, really, what else can I say?

He gets of the train and that was it. 

It's nice to know that there are some men in NYC who appreciate what I'm working with.

Sick of It

I've caught my annual Spring Allergy Sinus Attack and feeling like my head might explode at any moment has put me in a funk. An "I feel bad about myself and everything I haven't accomplished" funk. 

It's already April! How is that possible!? Three full months I've been at this new journey towards love, and well, I don't really feel like I'm anywhere closer to it or any of my visions than I was on December 31st. 

I lost about 3lbs only to gain another 5. I had long, beautiful nails until I got stressed about life and gnawed three of them off. I've had about four too many cigarettes (which averages out to about one per month. That's not too too awful, right?). I've found a lot of great excuses as to why I can't fit salsa dancing into my schedule. And meditation? What's that? The only two visions I can say are on track are my credit cards and this blog (ugh, don't even get me started on my career). 

So with all this work that I still have to do on myself, how is there any time to fit in a relationship? Maybe I just need to chill out with that whole thing, because with all of this "self-improvement" I can't possibly fit in time for a significant other.

I'm finding myself unmotivated to pursue any of the gentlemen from the Speed Date and I don't want to subject myself to anymore of this OKCupid nonsense. So what if I actually do what everyone tells me to do? Just stop looking for it. Work on myself. Find more ways to love myself and the people around me and eventually the universe will help me make space for that right person.

SpeedDateSecondDate #2

Last night, I went on what should have been a really great date. He called me a few days ago (actually called, not just texted) and we had a really easy, light-hearted conversation. He totally took the reigns and planned a fun night of pool playing, so I was really excited to meet him and get to know him. 

We had fun playing (well, he played. I just knocked the balls around the table with no real strategy whatsoever) and we laughed a lot as we were getting to know each other. But then at some point everything changed and he started to get very forward, almost aggressive. And not in a scary way, but in this "oh, he's latched on and now we're together" sort of way. He's planning all of these future dates for us based on the places in NYC I haven't been to yet (which is admittedly a lot and he's now made it his mission to educate me). I mean, it's fine. Whatever. He has initiative and is invested. I appreciate that. 

But then, because he's decided that we're a thing, he's rubbing up on me and trying to kiss me. I get it, I'm irresistible, but dude! I've known you all of 45 minutes, back up off me! And since you've made me reject you, now it's unnecessarily awkward all because I don't want to make out with a stranger in a public place!

And then as we were leaving, I went to open the door, he blurts out, "No, no, no. Hold on!" I thought maybe I had zoned out and was exiting through a security door or something! Oh no. He just wanted to open the door for me. Fine. But dude, chill out! If my hands are already on the door, don't "correct" me just so you can show me how chivalrous you are!!?!  I appreciate kindness, but I CAN open a door for myself. ***Side note: I understand why women are frustrating and confusing because, when it comes to opening doors, men are damned if they do, damned if they don't. But I honestly don't care. Whoever is at the door first, open it and then hold it open for the people behind you. Done. And PLEASE, do not reposition me as we're walking down the sidewalk so you can walk on the car side. Thank you for your thoughtfulness, but I walk the streets of NYC all the time by myself. I got this. Don't make it a thing!

*Deep Breath*

So ... all of this got me thinking about eagerness in dating. About this time last year, one of my guy friends tried to make out with me in a bar even after I told him multiple times I just wanted to be friends. He persisted in his aggressiveness and ended up creating a lot of drama. I got the same feeling last night. I know that it's important to make our intentions clear and be direct with what we want. But can't you just calm down and get to know me first before you start getting all handsy and trying to push your tongue down my throat? When did we decide that it was okay to just jump straight into making out with anyone we're interested in without permission or regard for how he or she is feeling?

Or am I just becoming a prude in my older age? I can remember a time in my 20s when getting bombed and making out by a pool table on a first date would have been AWESOME! But now, since I'm not really looking for Good-time Charlie anymore, that kind of behavior just seems irresponsible, immature and all kinds of awkward. 

Or maybe it's much more simple than that. Maybe I'm just not into this guy. If it had been someone I WAS really into, maybe I would have LOVED his forwardness and been totally down for a little poolside tonsil hockey.  But as it stands now I feel uncomfortable and unwilling to give him a second chance. My pal, TLC, suggested that since I did have a nice time with him before he went in for the kill, maybe I just meet him for coffee or lunch during the workday. A timed event with no possibility of Romeo trying to take it too far. 

Is that even worth it? We'll see.

PS - I just re-read my own blog post "Write It Off". Sigh. Okay, fine.

And the Apathy Sets In

I'm having a really hard time staying motivated in this search for love. Every time I get to this point, I stop looking and flirting and hoping.  I say to myself, "Oh, who cares? I'll just be single for the rest of my life."

Any words of encouragement?

Write It Off

I wrote this a few weeks ago after an online date cancelled on me. I was at brunch with a friend and when I got the text, I proceeded to knock back mimosas. Quickly. So this embarrassing bit of drivel was written on the drunken subway ride home.

My first date in I don't know how many months ends in this text message ... "Hey, I woke up with strep throat. Can we reschedule?" Oh really? Do you have a doctor in your apartment to swab you AND do a culture hours before you and I are to meet up to find out that you do indeed have this contagious disease? Wow. You're lucky. I wish all my dates had doctors on the ready to decipher if they may or may not be able to pass on to me some sort of disgusting (probably totally false) disease to me.

Good luck with all of that. I hope you feel better.

And for the record, never bother to call me or text me again since you don't have the decency to give me an actual honest reason why you don't want to meet me.

Okay ... 

So clearly I have some anger/trust issues to work through.

My friend LRo, who is so amazingly positive and full of hope, immediately chastised me for my negativity in writing this guy off. "Moods, EVERYONE is getting sick!" It's true, there is a gross plague going around. "Give this guy another chance."

So when the dude texted me later that week, I responded that "Sure, I'd love to reschedule." But I haven't. And not because I'm pissed or anything. I just don't care anymore. I'm no longer interested.

Why is it so easy to write people off after one little slip up? I've heard and said it all. "He didn't open the car door.""He drinks White Zinfandel" "He wore socks when we had sex." "He seemed mildly autistic." "He wore flip flops." "He thrust a tea strainer in my face and told me he put his 'dreams' inside because it was his 'Dream Diffuser'".

I really do wish some of the guys who have dumped me or never called me back would have told me the reasons they wrote me off. I can only imagine. "She bites her finger nails. "She has stubby toes" "Her teeth are too big." "She ordered a cheeseburger AND fries." "She laughs too loud." "She totally biffed it on the sidewalk." (That last one's probably true. I am quite clumsy.)

I'm sure I would be hurt and offended if I really knew their actual reasons for shunning me after only one date. Because one date is not a measure of who this person is. Sure, sometimes there just isn't a spark, but one little slip up shouldn't be the reason we totally discredit a person's worth. Am I free from mistakes? Have I never gotten sick? Have I never made a bad fashion choice? Or chosen a White Zin because sometimes you just want something light and refreshing, damnit!

So my challenge: keeping an open mind. Giving people a chance, and maybe even a second chance. Do not totally discredit a person just because he wears a brown belt with black shoes. Because, obvs, I would never do that ...