Letting Go

There is a man in my life who I have had an on-and-off thing with for approximately eight years. We get along really well, have a great time with each other and can be open and honest about our feelings. The only problem is that he lives all the way across the country. In the eight years we've known each other we've only been in each other's presence a handful of times. 

I was able to see him this past weekend (the weekend of skiing fearlessness!) and it was as if no time had passed at all; we picked up right where we had left off. It felt so comfortable and easy that I kept thinking, "Why aren't we in a relationship?". I never brought this up to him because the timing never felt right. Then it hit me as I was driving to the airport to fly back to NYC, "Why am I holding on to the idea that we should be?" After all this time if I haven't made a move and he hasn't made a move then maybe the timing will never be right. To keep holding out hope that he and I could some day make it work and figure out a way to be together is really holding me back. I'm missing out on opportunities that could be right in front of my face because my thoughts, heart and energy are a thousand miles away. 

I'm afraid that if I let him go, I will lose the opportunity to someday be with him, that he will eventually find someone else and I will look back in twenty years with regret and wonder "what if?" But that fear of letting him and the idea of "us" go, is exactly what is holding me back from becoming the woman/partner/lover/mother/teacher I am supposed to be. And in some way, my fears are holding him back, too. 

So when I got home to NYC I gave it a good ponder, took a deep breath and called him. I will spare you the boring details, but it was an honest conversation about what each of us is actually able to give the other person. I decided that it was time move on and let "us" go. After we hung up the phone, I cried ... a lot ... but I don't think it was because I was feeling sadness. I think I was feeling relief. All the anxiety I had about my feelings for him and wondering how he felt about me and all the confusion and restlessness were gone. For the first time, I wasn't freaking out over all the things we could possibly someday have together. I was able to just appreciate and be thankful for what we actually did have. My only regret is that I didn't give us the opportunity to let go sooner. 

"If You Can't Love Yourself ....

How in the hell you gonna love somebody else? Can I get an 'AMEN!'" ~ RuPaul

For the past four months, I've been contemplating love and how I can make myself available for "the one". But I'm starting to think that this journey is so much more than that. I think maybe it's about changing my heart to find more love for myself. 

Don't get me wrong, I think I'm pretty great. I know who I am and what I want out of life, but there are certain destructive areas of my life that are holding me back from full self-acceptance and love. 

I wrote that one of my visions for 2013 was to lose 20lbs and this was for the expressed purpose of being hot enough for someone to deem me datable. Being fat has been a great way to keep myself isolated and safe. The literal layers between myself and another human being have been the constant, single reason for "everything wrong in my life". But working out and dieting just to be "hot" has never been a good motivator for me (or else I'd already be smoking hot).

When I start looking at the reasons why I'm fat, it really does boil down to a general loathing of myself and my body. Why else would I continue to put fried, greasy, fattening foods or chemically processed convenience and diet foods into my body when I know they do nothing to nourish the one and only thing that will be with me through my entire life?! I put more energy and thoughtfulness into what I feed my dog than what I feed myself. And while I love her a lot, shouldn't I at least grant myself the same consideration?

What could be possible if I begin to love and nourish myself physically as well emotionally and spiritually?! If I love and respect myself as much as I say I do, I could prove it by becoming more loving and mindful about how I take care of myself. And there's no time like the present!

Spring Has Sprung?

We've sprung forward, vernally equinoxed and Easter has come and gone. It's officially spring, but you'd never fucking know it! Us New Yorkers are still bundled up against the bitter wind and about ready to go crazy. I'm feeling spring fever this year in a way I've never felt before. I'm ready for warmer weather, to shed these winter layers and flirt with all the boys. Yes, friends. Moody is feeling frisky.

Maybe it's the long winter, this project of "Love in 2013" or the simple fact that this girl's clock is a-tickin', but damn, I am feeling the spring mating season way down deep in my lady parts. Guy friends that I've never found attractive are suddenly sexy as hell. I am purposely catching the eyes of gentlemen on the street. I'm feeling smokin' hot in all of my clothes and I haven't even shed a single pound. 

I'm still balancing this desire for a significant other with my apathy for dating and I still feel like its time to chill on "the hunt" for a bit. But I think, in the meantime, I will continue to sashay my hips down the streets of NYC, be fun and flirty with no agenda and just enjoy the coming spring!