Like a Band-Aid

In a fit of boredom/anger/desperation last week, I deleted my profiles from ALL of the online dating sites I apathetically frequented: OKCupid, match.com, Christian Mingle, eHarmony. Done. With all of them. And to tell you the truth, I've never felt better. It kind of feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. No longer do I feel obligated to login and run a search of potential mates or respond to a jackbag's eloquently penned message of "hey". I'm left with tons more time now to do .... something, who knows.

But the problem is, online dating is kind of how New Yorkers find each other. When a gal pal says that she's engaged, chances are she met him on match.com. Another gal pal gets a new beau and where'd she meet him? OKCupid. We don't bother talking to people here in NYC. We put our earbuds in, crank up the music and actively ignore each other. And if you do happen to accidentally make eye contact with another person, you're greeted with a look of fear and distrust. It's so much easier to search for people online and send them a two-word greeting from the safety of your living room couch.

But the easiest way is not always the most rewarding way. So I'm taking it to the streets. Yup. I'm actually going to break out of my comfort zone and talk to a flesh and blood male. Well, I actually have no trouble talking to real life males, I talk to them all the time. But I'm suggesting chatting with one I might actually be attracted to and not just the parking lot attendant across the street who I say hello to every morning. 

And who cares if I get rejected because the dude has a girlfriend or he finds me repulsive. Whatever. At least I did it. And the next one will be that much easier and the following one even easier. And before you know it, I will be picking up men left and right. 

Sounds like fun. 

"If You Can't Love Yourself ....

How in the hell you gonna love somebody else? Can I get an 'AMEN!'" ~ RuPaul

For the past four months, I've been contemplating love and how I can make myself available for "the one". But I'm starting to think that this journey is so much more than that. I think maybe it's about changing my heart to find more love for myself. 

Don't get me wrong, I think I'm pretty great. I know who I am and what I want out of life, but there are certain destructive areas of my life that are holding me back from full self-acceptance and love. 

I wrote that one of my visions for 2013 was to lose 20lbs and this was for the expressed purpose of being hot enough for someone to deem me datable. Being fat has been a great way to keep myself isolated and safe. The literal layers between myself and another human being have been the constant, single reason for "everything wrong in my life". But working out and dieting just to be "hot" has never been a good motivator for me (or else I'd already be smoking hot).

When I start looking at the reasons why I'm fat, it really does boil down to a general loathing of myself and my body. Why else would I continue to put fried, greasy, fattening foods or chemically processed convenience and diet foods into my body when I know they do nothing to nourish the one and only thing that will be with me through my entire life?! I put more energy and thoughtfulness into what I feed my dog than what I feed myself. And while I love her a lot, shouldn't I at least grant myself the same consideration?

What could be possible if I begin to love and nourish myself physically as well emotionally and spiritually?! If I love and respect myself as much as I say I do, I could prove it by becoming more loving and mindful about how I take care of myself. And there's no time like the present!

Another Dream

Last night, I dreamt that one of my friends, who, in real life, kind of has my dream job, got a beautiful new house and she was giving me the tour. The windows were big and sparkly clean and looked out onto a clear, sunny day. However, I was really concerned because all of the windows (and the front door) were either wide open or unlocked. Then a detective came by (you know, like they do) and I don't really remember much after that.

You know how much I like to interpret dreams, so here it goes:

"To see a window in your dream signifies bright hopes, vast possibilities and insight. To dream that you are looking out the window signifies your outlook on life, your consciousness and your point of view. It also refers to your intuition and awareness. You may be reflecting on a decision."

"To see an opened door in your dream symbolizes your receptiveness and willingness to accept new ideas/concepts."

So I am looking out onto clear, sunny possibilities and reflecting on a decision. The open door represents my readiness to accept the new possibilities. But in the dream I was really scared/concerned because the windows and door was open. So in my waking life I'm ready, but scared shit-less.

"To see a detective in your dream signifies the thrills and dangers in some aspect of your waking life."

So not scared without reason. These new possibilities are frightening and I'm not sure I'm ready for them.

"... dreaming of a friend indicates positive news."

I've been working this whole year to open myself up to possibilities and it's like my subconscious is warning me that these possibilities are about to happen. Okay, so I better get it together quickly, my friends!

Time Away

This weekend I went upstate with a friend to visit her family and celebrate the accomplishments of her younger brother. It was so generous of them to allow me to become an honorary member of the family for a few days. Watching them interact made me realize how, at the heart of everything, all families are the same. They're made up of the jokesters, the quiet ones and the ones that always want to pay for everything. There is always drama and heartache but there is always love.

Being with her family made me deeply miss my own. People move to New York to pursue their dreams and find themselves. And I am certainly doing that. I just hope that it all pays off. That when I look back, I will feel like it was the right decision and not mourn the lost time with my family.

As my parents get older, I know I should be soaking up every precious moment with them. Can I really do that from thousands of miles away?

This weekend, it really hit me just how important family is. That no matter what happens between mother and father, father and daughter, brother and sister, working towards forgiveness, love and joy is absolutely necessary. Because at the end of the day, sometimes family is all that we have. And all that really matters.

The First

I went on the first of my Speed Date Second Dates last Thursday. We both admittedly couldn't remember the other person very well - I couldn't remember his face, but I remembered what we talked about and he had no idea what we discussed but he remembered my smile. We knew that we were initially interested in learning more about each other so we agreed to meet. 

He picked a beautiful hotel bar in Midtown and I met him there after work. He was there first and already drinking a rather girly martini. No judgements. Those things are tasty and can really knock you on your ass. I settled for red wine since the bar had a great wine menu (which relieved me since I've discovered that, in my older age, vodka makes me angry. But that's another story for another time).

Conversation flowed easily. We talked about the Myers-Briggs test which, thanks to our  iPhones and Google, we discovered that, except for the E and I part, we are exactly the same. Side note: why are people so adamant about using this test nowadays as a gauge for whether or not they're compatible with another human being? It just seems like a more acceptable version of astrology. A person's entire personality is summed up in one easily recognizable category and based on that you decide whether or not they're worth pursuing. Instead of "Oh, you're a Scorpio? I can never date a Scorpio." It's now, "I'm only compatible with ENTPs". 

Anyway.

While I had a great time with him, I really only got a friend vibe from the evening. Don't get me wrong, a gal can always use more friends and I would definitely go out with him again. But based on the tiny text exchange afterwards, I doubt I will hear from him in the future. And that's okay. I feel great about meeting him and I have no regrets. 

So on to the next ....

IRL

In an effort to keep the promise to myself to message five guys a week, I jumped on OKCupid last night and did a search for males in my age range in NYC. I didn't find a single person I was interested in. Not one. So I widened my search in both distance and criteria, and while that proved a bit more promising, there still wasn't a single man I was interested in contacting.

My friend KB always asks me how my search on OKC is going. "Have any of them [insert awful anecdote from daters past]?" She knows my search has been troublesome and she is always very encouraging. However, KB believes that love cannot be found online and I'm starting to wonder if she's right. She believes that real true and lasting love is found in real life usually through friends of friends. And when all of your friends are married, too young for you or gay, is it any wonder that you're (I'm) still single?

I like the safety of online dating. You can cruise for guys without having to change out of your comfy pants or leave your couch. And when I do find one that I think is attractive, I can just look through his profile to see if we're compatible instead of wasting time and money in a bar. 

But, on-paper-compatibility doesn't account for chemistry. I've had fantastic online exchanges with a few guys only to be horribly disappointed when, face-to-face, we had the excitement of a Presbyterian deacons meeting. (Love to my Frozen Chosen). 

Online dating is convenient, but merging your life with another's isn't. It's difficult and challenging, so maybe finding that right one should be, too. Maybe it's time to get off the Internet and on to finding someone in real life. 

Does that mean I am going to have to speed-date to do it? I hope not. But I'll try it if I must!

We know it will make for a good story!

And It Wasn't So Bad

Well, I actually had a good time on my date. I went back to work with a big smile on my face. Not because I think there's a love connection, but because that was the first online date that wasn't awful. I genuinely enjoyed meeting someone new.

He is not at all what I go for and I'm not all that attracted to him, but in an effort to not discount people and miss out on something potentially great, I will go out with him again.

I'm not going to put all my eggs in his basket though. Tonight I will find a few guys on OKC and send them a message. I'm keeping my options open and putting myself out there!

By the Numbers

The Bad News: GChat #1 (A Workday Afternoon)

12:29 PM me: what if he is THE ONE and I let him go

  and then he finds someone else and I die alone

 Guy Friend: woah

  slow down

12:30 PM do you really believe that there is really and truly only one person in the entire world that can make you happy?

ONE out of what is quickly approaching 8 BILLION people

12:32 PM back of the napkin numbers

  assuming Men make up about 1/2 of the population

12:33 PM and assuming that about 20% of them are in a suitable age range (which is a small %)

  and assuming that gay men make up about 10% of the population

12:34 PM and we'll assume that only 1/3 of them are single at any given time

  and going by the calculated population of the US as 315M people

  you're STILL looking at 9,355,500 single suitably aged straight men

12:35 PM and that's ONLY out of US Citizens

  so if you want to look at your odds as 1/9.4Million

12:36 PM which happens to be 1.07x10^-7

  or 0.00001% of the dating pool

  then I simply cannot help you

12:37 PM me: those are super depressing numbers

12:38 PM Guy Friend: because frankly you are 12x MORE likely to be struck by lightning

  you even have a better chance of being struck by lightning TWICE

  (but just barely)

12:40 PM look at it this way

  look at your friends who are married and/or happily coupled

  do you really think that ALL those people are really THAT lucky?

  Millions upon millions of people would be getting struck by lightning on a daily basis if that were the case.

12:41 PM speaking from a position of probability

12:42 PM so have I sufficiently convinced you that statistically the possibility of there being only ONE person for every other person is basically an impossibility?

 me: yes

  which means I will die alone

The Good News: GChat #2 (The Next Day)

9:35 AM Guy Friend: what would you say a good "Ugliness" factor would be?

  40% of men being unattractive?

 me: well, you're talking to a person who can find something attractive in ANYONE

9:36 AM but it depends on what we're considering

  is it age?

  money?

  height?

  hygiene?

  fashion?

 Guy Friend: a combination of unattractive factors for an overall % of men that would be unacceptable

 me: hmmm ... 9:37 AM I guess 40% is right

  I'm going to take a survey of my office

9:41 AM there are 36 men in our office

  and 13 I might have sex with

  so yeah, almost 40%

9:42 AM Guy Friend: damn I was thinking a 40% exclusion rate

  not inclusion rate

9:44 AM ok so if you go on a blind date with someone who all you know is that they are male and between the ages of 25-45 you have a 12.7% chance of them being at least marginally compatible

  that's not knowing whether they are single, straight, or attractive

9:49 AM me: wait, why would I be going on a date with him if he weren't single?

9:50 AM and only a 12.7% of being compatible?!

  That sounds awful!!

9:51 AM your numbers are getting me all riled up

 Guy Friend: ok ok ok

9:52 AM so if you knew he was single and straight but had no idea what he looked like or what his other qualities were you would have a 40% chance of compatibility

  2 dates out of 5

  that's not terrible

 me: no, not terrible

9:53 AM Guy Friend: however, with dating sites you can weed out the ugly ones and for the most part the dumb ones

9:55 AM so we can make Boring/Dull/Uninspired at a factor of about 25% of men who are single, straight, and attractive

  and in your age range

9:56 AM me: okay10:03 AM Guy Friend: barring all those factors there are still over 4.3 Million men you are compatible with on some level in this country10:04 AM and using the same statistics there are over 115,000 compatible men in NYC10:05 AM me: wow Guy Friend: yeah10:06 AM and that's 30% of the single straight men in your age rangenot so hopeless after allso almost 1 in 3 Single straight men between the ages of 25-4510:13 AM me: but I don't want a man who is only 25what about between 30 and 40? Guy Friend: ugh, picky picky84,000 

Make Falling In Love A Priority

Why You Should Make Falling In Love A Priority | Thought Catalog

My friend just sent this to me and I first I was like, "Thanks, LR, but too bad I can't read it from all the eye rolling I'm doing", and then I stopped being a snarky bitch and read it.

The thing is, the writer is totally spot on. It's time to make love a priority.

Let's DO this!

"You're still on here, huh?"

That is what a gentlemen on OKCupid messaged me the other day. These are the responses that raced through my mind:

• You are, too, ya jackass.
• Yes, I find only trolls.
• Maybe, I'm a troll.
• Fuck off!

Instead, I replied, "Yeah, well, I'm not really as proactive about this site as I should be, so I get discouraged and delete my profile, but then get bored and jump back on." Not surprisingly, I haven't heard back. I rarely do.

I'm a cute gal so I get a lot of initial responses, but conversations come to a screeching halt after one or two exchanges. Am I THAT boring? Or is HE that boring? Why is it so difficult to keep this dating thing going long enough to actually connect with someone?

Hence this blog. Why AM I still single? What is it that I'm not doing that other women are?

Well-intentioned (usually coupled) friends say "It'll happen when you're not looking for it". So I focus on my career. These same friends come back and say, "You have to put yourself out there". You can't simultaneously put yourself out the and NOT look for it!!!

So this is my challenge: find love. Put myself out there. Look for it. Give it. And receive it.

Maybe along the way I will find "the one" (if he truly exists). Maybe I won't. But I know one thing for sure: I need more love in my life, of all kinds.

Because the last thing I want is to be sent another message in December 2013 that reads "You're still on here, huh?".