Better to Have

On Friday, I was GChattin with a gal pal of mine, just the usual get-us-through-Friday-afternoon stuff like pics of guys in suits or cute dogs. Out of nowhere, she dropped the bomb on me that she was harboring an intense hatred for her ex and regretted wasting her youth on someone as evil as he. I tried to talk her down with cliches like "it's better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all" and shit like that. But she wasn't convinced. And neither was I. 

I thought back to the relationships and pseudo relationships I've had. Do I feel that way about the guys to whom I've given my heart? Do I wish I would never have wasted a breath on them? Absolutely, 100%, not at all. 

All of those relationships have gotten me here to this moment. I really enjoy my life, all the places I've been and all of the crazy, beautiful people I've met along the way. And even though I am still single while many of these men are all married and white picket fence, I don't think I would have done anything differently. 

That's not to say I didn't hurt them or wasn't hurt by them. I can give you a list of the shit I've done out of confusion, spite, jelousy and down right stupidity. A boy from high school, a summer showmance, a man I met at a wedding, a good friend from grad school and enough Chicago improvisers to form a house team. I fell in love easily and fell hard. But I've learned something from each of these relationships. I know how I want to be treated and how to treat the next man I fall in love with. 

Sure, I'm still single and childless but I'm happy. I don't think I would be as happy or happier if things with any of these gentlemen had things turned out any differently. And I don't think they would be either. 

I don't think it's ever a waste to love someone no matter how badly it hurts at the end of it. Just be thankful for the time you've had with that person, wish them well and send them on their way. It's painful, but in the long run it's better to be grateful than hateful. And you can quote me on that!

Too Busy For Love

I'm juggling 5 projects at the moment on top of my money job (they're actually making me working at work these days. It's really weird). So lately I haven't been giving much thought to love or the pursuit of it. It's the excuse I've used for ... well, my whole life. I'm too busy for love. My career comes first. Who has time to date? Blah, blah, blah. When I'm working so hard on all of the things, why do I want add something else I have to work on. It's just too much. 

If someone wants to find a way to insert himself into my ... ahem ... life ... then by all means let him go for it. 

But for now, I'm just working hard on my projects, staying open to the people around me and trying to maintain a positive attitude (you know, like believing all this shit is worth it). I will find ways to show kindness to my fellow New Yorker and maybe smile at the people I accidentally make eye contact with (not in that cheesy dance team way. You know what I mean). In a few months, life will slow back down and I can return to my pursuit.

Le Sigh

A guy that I met at Speed Dating emailed me yesterday ...

(yay?)

... to sell me a weekend event with his networking company. Ugh. It is not okay to meet ladies under the guise of looking for love only to email them when you want to sell. them. something.

Boo. Bad form pal.

But totally indicative of my dating life right now.

Bravo, Mr. Collins!

We all deserve love in our lives and we all deserve to search for that love without fear of animosity or retaliation. I don't follow basketball much (expect for my home state Jayhawks!), so I've never seen or heard of Jason Collins before today. But I am so impressed with him and his beautifully eloquent coming out. 

I wish that all of us - gay, straight, bi, trans, man, woman, black, white, red, yellow, brown, pink and purple - could find as much bravery within ourselves to live our life so boldly and passionately. How good it must feel to speak the words you've been dying to speak for so long. To be able to say with confidence that this is who I am and this is what I want.

You can read his fantastic article here. Oh, and just look how beautiful he is! So proud and happy, that light shining from within. Lucky is the man who gets to spend a life with Mr. Collins.

For as happy as I am for Jason, I am amazed that it has taken this 34 year old so long to discover and proclaim who he truly is. But of course, I realize that it has taken me (also 34) just as long and I am still searching. I don't have a national platform with which to herald my true self, but what would I say if I did have a national magazine ready to print my hopes, dreams and desires. Even if I don't have that, isn't every day a chance to proclaim my life as MINE. To unabashedly say without fear that this is who I am and this is what I want! 

Why wait until I lose 20 lbs or pay off that debt or get another job or get my own apartment or, like Mr. Collins, a national tragedy reminds me how precious and fleeting life is?

So what is it? What is that one thing that I am (you are) denying that, once revealed, would help me live the life I always dreamed was possible, the life I know I am (you are) meant to lead? Can we find the bravery to show ourselves for who we truly are and love ourselves enough to never fear the retaliation for proclaiming our true selves?

Thank You?

On a train ride home last week, a guy walked all the way from the other side of the train to stand right in front of me. He was just staring at my legs in my brown knee high boots and as we pull into the station he says to me "I think I'm attracted to you." And then, as he's making this big round shape with his hands he says, "You're really healthy. I like that."

"Thank you," I say. I mean, really, what else can I say?

He gets of the train and that was it. 

It's nice to know that there are some men in NYC who appreciate what I'm working with.

Like a Band-Aid

In a fit of boredom/anger/desperation last week, I deleted my profiles from ALL of the online dating sites I apathetically frequented: OKCupid, match.com, Christian Mingle, eHarmony. Done. With all of them. And to tell you the truth, I've never felt better. It kind of feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. No longer do I feel obligated to login and run a search of potential mates or respond to a jackbag's eloquently penned message of "hey". I'm left with tons more time now to do .... something, who knows.

But the problem is, online dating is kind of how New Yorkers find each other. When a gal pal says that she's engaged, chances are she met him on match.com. Another gal pal gets a new beau and where'd she meet him? OKCupid. We don't bother talking to people here in NYC. We put our earbuds in, crank up the music and actively ignore each other. And if you do happen to accidentally make eye contact with another person, you're greeted with a look of fear and distrust. It's so much easier to search for people online and send them a two-word greeting from the safety of your living room couch.

But the easiest way is not always the most rewarding way. So I'm taking it to the streets. Yup. I'm actually going to break out of my comfort zone and talk to a flesh and blood male. Well, I actually have no trouble talking to real life males, I talk to them all the time. But I'm suggesting chatting with one I might actually be attracted to and not just the parking lot attendant across the street who I say hello to every morning. 

And who cares if I get rejected because the dude has a girlfriend or he finds me repulsive. Whatever. At least I did it. And the next one will be that much easier and the following one even easier. And before you know it, I will be picking up men left and right. 

Sounds like fun. 

Boston

I don't have much to say about yesterday's tragedy in Boston that hasn't already been said much more eloquently than I could have imagined. But what I will say is that it's in times like these that I am fiercely thankful for my family, friends, my community and my country. There is a lot that is broken, but there is so much more that is right. People running TOWARDS the explosion to help. People coming out in droves to donate blood. Thousands offering prayers, well-wishes and thoughts of hope and encouragement. 

I've only been to Boston twice. The first as child on my family's "American History" vacation and the other as an adult with my sorority sisters (the two trips were extremely different as you can imagine). But I do know a lot of people from Boston (originally froms or transplants) and they are a fiery, loyal, generous people. I am saddened that this happened to their community, but I know that they will persevere and come through the other side stronger, more resilient and more patriotic than ever. 

All I can offer in this situation is love. It's my default emotion in any catastrophic event and I firmly believe it's the only way to heal. Send it to your family and friends as a reminder of what they mean to you. Send it to the running community whose sense of security was shattered. Send it to the families of those killed or injured. Send it to the aid workers fighting to save lives. Send it to the law enforcement agents who are working tirelessly to track down the person responsible. Send it to the family of the person responsible. Hell, even send it to the person responsible so that he or she may realize the severity of his/her actions, take the full weight of that responsibility and turn his/her own hatred and vengence into a power for positive, non-violent change.

But above all send it to yourselves.  Please be gentle with yourselves today and everyday. And if you feel like you need a little love, send me a note. I'm always happy to listen and send love and encouragement across the miles.