Yes, Please. More of That

Every once in a while I have a perfect NYC night that reminds me why I am here at this very moment in my life. 

Tonight I saw my favorite drag queen in her NYC debut show. With me were some of my best gal (and gay) pals. I feel so fortunate to have found a community of like-minded people to share this crazy, horrible, wonderful journey with and I will forever be grateful for all that they teach me.

And on the train ride home, after trailing my hands down a disgustingly dirty subway handrail, a woman offered me a few drops of her Purell. I politely refused stating that I had some of my own. She said to me, "no worries. I just know how it is". We rode is silence for two stops and as I exited the train at my home station I said to good-bye and "have a good night" to her.

She replied, "you, too, sweetie."

I couldn't help but smile. I was struck with how random and wonderful this city truly is. I am thankful for her and for her kindness and generosity. I am thankful for my amazing friends and all of their beauty and talent. And I am thankful to live in a city that offers us the opportunity to experience all of this in one night.

Thank you, Universe/God/Fate for bringing all of this beauty and wonder into my life. I don't know what I did to deserve it, but I thank you for it. And all I do is to honor you. 

Greetings From Maine

I've been up in the woods of Maine for a few days now and despite the rainy weather and the ten too many tiny spiders in my room, I feel amazing. I've been at a voice workshop since Monday and feeling so great about myself, my life and the future that lies ahead. 

But getting ready this morning in the little mirror in my bedroom, I realized there are hardly any mirrors around. I haven't looked at the bottom half of myself since I left New York on Monday. In New York there are shops windows and subway doors that reflect my plump image back to me everywhere I turn. Here at this woodland retreat, I only catch my mirrored top half when I wash my hands in the bathroom. 

It's interesting that here, where I am studying what I love AND here there are so few reminders about all that I think is wrong with me, how much better I feel about myself. Here my self-worth is measured in my connections with the work I am doing and the relationships I am establishing with my fellow workshop members. 

This realization is incredibly freeing and I am hoping to carry this with me back to the city. 

Because I am more than my weight, more than my supposed imperfections. No shop window will ever be able to reflect all of the joy, intelligence, humor and love that I posses inside of me. 

Creation is Love

At a particularly low point in my life, I started The Artist's Way, a 12-week journey of exercises and exploration to help you unleash your inner creative self. I was looking for inspiration to help me continue to live the "NYC Actor" life. Instead, it made me realize all the other things I wanted in life. I immediately stopped auditioning and got a day job to earn the money that would help me make all of my other dreams come true. But that's not the point of this post. The point is that the author was encouraging all of us to embrace our own inner creator because the ultimate Creator loves us and wants us to continue His/Her work of creating.

That really struck me. I was created to create. I give thanks for being created by continuing to create. Creation is an act of love.

I use all the projects in my life (writing, directing, teaching) as a way to distract myself from finding love. But ultimately, all of these projects are love. I am creating something of myself and presenting it to the world. I am giving my love, thoughts, emotions and experience to others. And of course, there is the love that is exchanged between the other members of these projects. We open ourselves to each other, trust that our emotions and hearts will be accepted by and kept safe with these other people. And, at the end of it all, we hopefully walk away with some amazing friendships.

So I am not going to beat myself up for not pursuing love by scoping out dudes on OKCupid or going on countless speed dates. Instead I'm giving thanks that I have the opportunity to create and send love out into the world that way. And when the summer ends and things slow down, then I'll get back to finding just one person to give my love to. And hotdamn, he will be one lucky man. 

Better to Have

On Friday, I was GChattin with a gal pal of mine, just the usual get-us-through-Friday-afternoon stuff like pics of guys in suits or cute dogs. Out of nowhere, she dropped the bomb on me that she was harboring an intense hatred for her ex and regretted wasting her youth on someone as evil as he. I tried to talk her down with cliches like "it's better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all" and shit like that. But she wasn't convinced. And neither was I. 

I thought back to the relationships and pseudo relationships I've had. Do I feel that way about the guys to whom I've given my heart? Do I wish I would never have wasted a breath on them? Absolutely, 100%, not at all. 

All of those relationships have gotten me here to this moment. I really enjoy my life, all the places I've been and all of the crazy, beautiful people I've met along the way. And even though I am still single while many of these men are all married and white picket fence, I don't think I would have done anything differently. 

That's not to say I didn't hurt them or wasn't hurt by them. I can give you a list of the shit I've done out of confusion, spite, jelousy and down right stupidity. A boy from high school, a summer showmance, a man I met at a wedding, a good friend from grad school and enough Chicago improvisers to form a house team. I fell in love easily and fell hard. But I've learned something from each of these relationships. I know how I want to be treated and how to treat the next man I fall in love with. 

Sure, I'm still single and childless but I'm happy. I don't think I would be as happy or happier if things with any of these gentlemen had things turned out any differently. And I don't think they would be either. 

I don't think it's ever a waste to love someone no matter how badly it hurts at the end of it. Just be thankful for the time you've had with that person, wish them well and send them on their way. It's painful, but in the long run it's better to be grateful than hateful. And you can quote me on that!

Too Busy For Love

I'm juggling 5 projects at the moment on top of my money job (they're actually making me working at work these days. It's really weird). So lately I haven't been giving much thought to love or the pursuit of it. It's the excuse I've used for ... well, my whole life. I'm too busy for love. My career comes first. Who has time to date? Blah, blah, blah. When I'm working so hard on all of the things, why do I want add something else I have to work on. It's just too much. 

If someone wants to find a way to insert himself into my ... ahem ... life ... then by all means let him go for it. 

But for now, I'm just working hard on my projects, staying open to the people around me and trying to maintain a positive attitude (you know, like believing all this shit is worth it). I will find ways to show kindness to my fellow New Yorker and maybe smile at the people I accidentally make eye contact with (not in that cheesy dance team way. You know what I mean). In a few months, life will slow back down and I can return to my pursuit.

Le Sigh

A guy that I met at Speed Dating emailed me yesterday ...

(yay?)

... to sell me a weekend event with his networking company. Ugh. It is not okay to meet ladies under the guise of looking for love only to email them when you want to sell. them. something.

Boo. Bad form pal.

But totally indicative of my dating life right now.

Bravo, Mr. Collins!

We all deserve love in our lives and we all deserve to search for that love without fear of animosity or retaliation. I don't follow basketball much (expect for my home state Jayhawks!), so I've never seen or heard of Jason Collins before today. But I am so impressed with him and his beautifully eloquent coming out. 

I wish that all of us - gay, straight, bi, trans, man, woman, black, white, red, yellow, brown, pink and purple - could find as much bravery within ourselves to live our life so boldly and passionately. How good it must feel to speak the words you've been dying to speak for so long. To be able to say with confidence that this is who I am and this is what I want.

You can read his fantastic article here. Oh, and just look how beautiful he is! So proud and happy, that light shining from within. Lucky is the man who gets to spend a life with Mr. Collins.

For as happy as I am for Jason, I am amazed that it has taken this 34 year old so long to discover and proclaim who he truly is. But of course, I realize that it has taken me (also 34) just as long and I am still searching. I don't have a national platform with which to herald my true self, but what would I say if I did have a national magazine ready to print my hopes, dreams and desires. Even if I don't have that, isn't every day a chance to proclaim my life as MINE. To unabashedly say without fear that this is who I am and this is what I want! 

Why wait until I lose 20 lbs or pay off that debt or get another job or get my own apartment or, like Mr. Collins, a national tragedy reminds me how precious and fleeting life is?

So what is it? What is that one thing that I am (you are) denying that, once revealed, would help me live the life I always dreamed was possible, the life I know I am (you are) meant to lead? Can we find the bravery to show ourselves for who we truly are and love ourselves enough to never fear the retaliation for proclaiming our true selves?