In All Areas

After this week's email fiasco, it has really hit me how important it is to treat everyone with respect and kindness in every moment. And not just what we say and do to them in person, but also what we say about them behind their backs and even what we think about them as well. Our thoughts become words and our  words become action. If we can change how we think about people and begin to think kindness and love over them, it will so quickly begin to change ourselves and our communities.

But I know that's easier said than done. Life is hard. It's especially difficult to think positively about everyone at all times when you live in a rat-infested cement jungle that constantly smells of piss and sewage. We get lost in our thoughts and struggles and sometimes we have a bad day. But no matter how bad it is for you, there is always someone who has it worse.

Even as we New Yorkers cram into subway cars and ignore each other by staring at our iPhones, there can still be moments of kindness. I've seen hundreds of them. A man gives up his seat for a mother and her child. One woman calls out to another woman as she's leaving the train because that woman has forgotten her purse. A young woman stays in her seat so as not to disturb her neighbor who has fallen asleep and is now leaning against her. As we struggle through this difficult and often devastating life, it's important to recognize these moments and celebrate them. It's what's gonna get us though. Together.

And because I love baseball, today I celebrate this young man and his act of kindness and generosity.

I Am More Than My Horse Face

I am currently directing a show for the NY International Fringe Festival. It's a big deal for all of us involved because we're very excited to have this level of exposure to our work. So yesterday, being the good promoter that I am, I sent an email to my professional contacts letting them know about the show. There were a bunch of contacts included in the email that are not in NY but I think it's important for people to know what I'm up to and to let people know that I'm also now directing. I get the following reply from a prominent Artistic Director in Kansas City:

"Remember her, wasn't she the one, horse face, in the thinks first show?"

At first I was shocked, then angry, but after about a minute I just started laughing. This old fart had replied to me when he clearly meant to forward it on to someone else. He had fucked up. Big time.

Of all the things that the Internet is good for, stupidity shaming is the best. I brainstormed all the ways I could  throw this back in the guy's face. I could write an open letter to the Kansas City theatre community or perhaps forward it on to the theatre critics in town and give them an inside scoop on how artistic directors treat the talent that work (or try to work) so hard for them. 

Instead, I decided to simply reply with my usual sassy wit and charm. 

"Hi {Artistic Director}!

I think you may have meant to send your email to someone else, and even though I don't know who you are referring to when you say "the thinks", I was in {theatre company}'s first show, {name of show}.

If you take a look at my website {inserted direct link to my professional website} you'll see a bunch of reviews and find other things I have been called besides "horse face". For that very show, {KC theatre critic} said I had a powerful voice and gave a big-hearted performance. {Another theatre reviewer} from {another KC paper} called my performance in 1776 with {another theatre company} "show-stopping". And while you may not know this, I've actually worked all over the country and been called, "bold", "sexy and smart", "daring", "electric", "a hoot", "a wonder", and even "enigmatic".

And {Artistic Director}, while I've got your ear, I do, in all seriousness, want to say thank you for all of your hard work over the years in bringing theatre to the Kansas City community. Since you now know that I am a director (and not just a horse-faced actress), I believe in creating opportunities for artists and telling stories well and honestly. I believe that it is important to create art and theatre wherever you are. It's in the theatre where lives can be changed and even saved. So thank you for all of your years of service to Kansas City. With theatres closing all over the country (and in Kansas City) it is important that you continue to thrive and create opportunities for artists in the community.

Thank you also for your support of newer companies like {"the things" company}. They, and artists like them, are the future of American theatre.

If you will be in NYC this August and would like to come see the show, please let me know and I will happily have two tickets waiting for you and a guest. If not, I wish you a happy and healthy August and all the best with your current and upcoming productions.

With admiration,
Me

I don't care that this old, gay dude thinks I have a "horse face". What I DO care about are the actors in Kansas City who want desperately to work for this man and put their artistic worth in his hands. Clearly this man has very little respect for actors or other artists creating theatre in Kansas City. If he holds this attitude of me, he certainly holds it of many more.

If I could do one thing, it would be to empower my fellow artists in Kansas City to start creating their own work. Don't allow the hostility and disrespect of people like this Artistic Director to affect how you view yourself or your talent. Yes, you need the money and his contracts are appealing; please continue to seek jobs at his thetare in order to feed your family. However, you don't have to rely on him to help you be an actor/musician/artist. YOU have the power to create theatre that is actually worth seeing, that challenges yourself, your peers and the entire Kansas City community. Don't settle for the same surface comedies and musicals over and over. Start writing that one-person show you've always wanted to write, adapt your favorite short story or poem. Gather your friends together and write that site-specific piece you've been talking about and do it in a coffee shop, a church, an apartment and invite the entire community, not just the privileged few who can afford $60 for a great buffet and a colorful comedy.

If Kansas City theatre is going to survive, if the American Theatre is going to survive, it's not because of people like this artistic director who settle for the same stories Kansas City has heard a hundred times before. It's because of you, the artists who do the actual work in telling the stories. You are worth more than this spiteful septuagenarian's opinion of you. Create your own work, tell your stories boldly, passionately and honestly and never, NEVER, for a second, give your power to an Artistic Director who has no respect for the work that you do or the person that you are.

Yes, Please. More of That

Every once in a while I have a perfect NYC night that reminds me why I am here at this very moment in my life. 

Tonight I saw my favorite drag queen in her NYC debut show. With me were some of my best gal (and gay) pals. I feel so fortunate to have found a community of like-minded people to share this crazy, horrible, wonderful journey with and I will forever be grateful for all that they teach me.

And on the train ride home, after trailing my hands down a disgustingly dirty subway handrail, a woman offered me a few drops of her Purell. I politely refused stating that I had some of my own. She said to me, "no worries. I just know how it is". We rode is silence for two stops and as I exited the train at my home station I said to good-bye and "have a good night" to her.

She replied, "you, too, sweetie."

I couldn't help but smile. I was struck with how random and wonderful this city truly is. I am thankful for her and for her kindness and generosity. I am thankful for my amazing friends and all of their beauty and talent. And I am thankful to live in a city that offers us the opportunity to experience all of this in one night.

Thank you, Universe/God/Fate for bringing all of this beauty and wonder into my life. I don't know what I did to deserve it, but I thank you for it. And all I do is to honor you. 

Greetings From Maine

I've been up in the woods of Maine for a few days now and despite the rainy weather and the ten too many tiny spiders in my room, I feel amazing. I've been at a voice workshop since Monday and feeling so great about myself, my life and the future that lies ahead. 

But getting ready this morning in the little mirror in my bedroom, I realized there are hardly any mirrors around. I haven't looked at the bottom half of myself since I left New York on Monday. In New York there are shops windows and subway doors that reflect my plump image back to me everywhere I turn. Here at this woodland retreat, I only catch my mirrored top half when I wash my hands in the bathroom. 

It's interesting that here, where I am studying what I love AND here there are so few reminders about all that I think is wrong with me, how much better I feel about myself. Here my self-worth is measured in my connections with the work I am doing and the relationships I am establishing with my fellow workshop members. 

This realization is incredibly freeing and I am hoping to carry this with me back to the city. 

Because I am more than my weight, more than my supposed imperfections. No shop window will ever be able to reflect all of the joy, intelligence, humor and love that I posses inside of me. 

Creation is Love

At a particularly low point in my life, I started The Artist's Way, a 12-week journey of exercises and exploration to help you unleash your inner creative self. I was looking for inspiration to help me continue to live the "NYC Actor" life. Instead, it made me realize all the other things I wanted in life. I immediately stopped auditioning and got a day job to earn the money that would help me make all of my other dreams come true. But that's not the point of this post. The point is that the author was encouraging all of us to embrace our own inner creator because the ultimate Creator loves us and wants us to continue His/Her work of creating.

That really struck me. I was created to create. I give thanks for being created by continuing to create. Creation is an act of love.

I use all the projects in my life (writing, directing, teaching) as a way to distract myself from finding love. But ultimately, all of these projects are love. I am creating something of myself and presenting it to the world. I am giving my love, thoughts, emotions and experience to others. And of course, there is the love that is exchanged between the other members of these projects. We open ourselves to each other, trust that our emotions and hearts will be accepted by and kept safe with these other people. And, at the end of it all, we hopefully walk away with some amazing friendships.

So I am not going to beat myself up for not pursuing love by scoping out dudes on OKCupid or going on countless speed dates. Instead I'm giving thanks that I have the opportunity to create and send love out into the world that way. And when the summer ends and things slow down, then I'll get back to finding just one person to give my love to. And hotdamn, he will be one lucky man. 

Better to Have

On Friday, I was GChattin with a gal pal of mine, just the usual get-us-through-Friday-afternoon stuff like pics of guys in suits or cute dogs. Out of nowhere, she dropped the bomb on me that she was harboring an intense hatred for her ex and regretted wasting her youth on someone as evil as he. I tried to talk her down with cliches like "it's better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all" and shit like that. But she wasn't convinced. And neither was I. 

I thought back to the relationships and pseudo relationships I've had. Do I feel that way about the guys to whom I've given my heart? Do I wish I would never have wasted a breath on them? Absolutely, 100%, not at all. 

All of those relationships have gotten me here to this moment. I really enjoy my life, all the places I've been and all of the crazy, beautiful people I've met along the way. And even though I am still single while many of these men are all married and white picket fence, I don't think I would have done anything differently. 

That's not to say I didn't hurt them or wasn't hurt by them. I can give you a list of the shit I've done out of confusion, spite, jelousy and down right stupidity. A boy from high school, a summer showmance, a man I met at a wedding, a good friend from grad school and enough Chicago improvisers to form a house team. I fell in love easily and fell hard. But I've learned something from each of these relationships. I know how I want to be treated and how to treat the next man I fall in love with. 

Sure, I'm still single and childless but I'm happy. I don't think I would be as happy or happier if things with any of these gentlemen had things turned out any differently. And I don't think they would be either. 

I don't think it's ever a waste to love someone no matter how badly it hurts at the end of it. Just be thankful for the time you've had with that person, wish them well and send them on their way. It's painful, but in the long run it's better to be grateful than hateful. And you can quote me on that!

Too Busy For Love

I'm juggling 5 projects at the moment on top of my money job (they're actually making me working at work these days. It's really weird). So lately I haven't been giving much thought to love or the pursuit of it. It's the excuse I've used for ... well, my whole life. I'm too busy for love. My career comes first. Who has time to date? Blah, blah, blah. When I'm working so hard on all of the things, why do I want add something else I have to work on. It's just too much. 

If someone wants to find a way to insert himself into my ... ahem ... life ... then by all means let him go for it. 

But for now, I'm just working hard on my projects, staying open to the people around me and trying to maintain a positive attitude (you know, like believing all this shit is worth it). I will find ways to show kindness to my fellow New Yorker and maybe smile at the people I accidentally make eye contact with (not in that cheesy dance team way. You know what I mean). In a few months, life will slow back down and I can return to my pursuit.