Letting Go

There is a man in my life who I have had an on-and-off thing with for approximately eight years. We get along really well, have a great time with each other and can be open and honest about our feelings. The only problem is that he lives all the way across the country. In the eight years we've known each other we've only been in each other's presence a handful of times. 

I was able to see him this past weekend (the weekend of skiing fearlessness!) and it was as if no time had passed at all; we picked up right where we had left off. It felt so comfortable and easy that I kept thinking, "Why aren't we in a relationship?". I never brought this up to him because the timing never felt right. Then it hit me as I was driving to the airport to fly back to NYC, "Why am I holding on to the idea that we should be?" After all this time if I haven't made a move and he hasn't made a move then maybe the timing will never be right. To keep holding out hope that he and I could some day make it work and figure out a way to be together is really holding me back. I'm missing out on opportunities that could be right in front of my face because my thoughts, heart and energy are a thousand miles away. 

I'm afraid that if I let him go, I will lose the opportunity to someday be with him, that he will eventually find someone else and I will look back in twenty years with regret and wonder "what if?" But that fear of letting him and the idea of "us" go, is exactly what is holding me back from becoming the woman/partner/lover/mother/teacher I am supposed to be. And in some way, my fears are holding him back, too. 

So when I got home to NYC I gave it a good ponder, took a deep breath and called him. I will spare you the boring details, but it was an honest conversation about what each of us is actually able to give the other person. I decided that it was time move on and let "us" go. After we hung up the phone, I cried ... a lot ... but I don't think it was because I was feeling sadness. I think I was feeling relief. All the anxiety I had about my feelings for him and wondering how he felt about me and all the confusion and restlessness were gone. For the first time, I wasn't freaking out over all the things we could possibly someday have together. I was able to just appreciate and be thankful for what we actually did have. My only regret is that I didn't give us the opportunity to let go sooner. 

The Mountaintop

I am in an airplane right now somewhere over Nebraska or Kansas (Hi mom!) on my way to Denver. Tomorrow I will face my fear of skiing and the panic attacks have hit in full force. Not helping one bit was the phone call last night from the aforementioned mother. I could tell that she was distracted and not telling me what was on her mind. So I flat out asked her "What are you worried about?" "The skiing," she says. "Just learn from your mother's mistake. I went off once without an instructor and was stuck at the top of hill I couldn't get down. I was really up a creek and went down the slope on my backside". I promised her that I would not wander off from the group and I would avoid all trees.

But for other reasons unrelated to winter sports, I am really feeling that panic of being at the top of the hill unable to get down. In a few hours, I will also have a phone interview for a teaching position at a university (my first!). And this is perhaps more frightening than throwing myself down a mountain. Even when I got the email last week requesting the interview, it took me five hours to reply to the email because I was paralyzed by fear. Here is a chance to do what I have wanted to do since I left Chicago in 2005 to get my terminal degree. And when faced with that opportunity, I don't want it. Instead of immediately replying "Yes! Any time is great!", I stare blankly at the computer while thousands of self-depricating thoughts race through my mind. Right in front of me is what I've wanted for so long and it frightens me.

I'm afraid that I will look like a fool. That my answers will be stupid. That they will wonder why they wasted their time on me. That I will suddenly realize that I can't do this, that I'm not cut out for this, I'm not smart/talented/witty/clever enough to have the job I want. Or worse that I will actually get what I want and more will be required of me than I am able to give. Or even worse than that, I'm stuck in a position that doesn't make me as happy as I thought it would and now what do I do with my life!?!?

After freaking out to my buddy McC over Gchat for a bit (okay a lot. He's a saint), I finally replied and set the ball rolling. I reached out to professor friends for any and all potential interview questions and I formulated my responses. I researched the school and the curriculum and the current professors, my potential colleagues. But none of it makes me feel at ease. I'm still stuck at the top of the mountain ready to cry because I don't see any way down to safety.

But that safety of never putting myself in a position of failure is a trap. To never pursue opportunity is safe and comfortable and I would never have to endure the pursed lips, tight throat and raging stomach of self-doubt and fear. I could continue at my day job making a lot of money but never being truly fulfilled or making the difference that I want to and know I can make.

So what is the worst things that can happen? I bomb the interview. I tumble down the mountain on my backside. But I will be wearing a helmet, so how much damage can really be done? (Don't answer that!). I will stand up and brush myself off. The bruises will heal and I will learn valuable lessons for the next run. 

Athleticism

For a "chubby" girl, I am actually quite athletic. I played many sports when I was younger and was a dancer on the Pom Pom squad. Even though I was never a "trained dancer", I had a natural talent that helped me keep up with the best of them. But for some reason since those high school and college days, I have allowed myself to believe that athleticism was for other people and not me. While other friends trained for marathons and triathlons, I jokingly sneered that I was training for drinkathons and would only run if chased. 

But when I started to make my list of things I "feared" the majority of my list was athletic activity. Skiing, 5Ks, Tough Mudder, surfing, ice skating. I'm not sure when I allowed these activities to be reserved for the hotter/faster/stronger, but that attitude has put me in a mindset of "can't do". Friends go on skiing trips and I say, "I can't do that. I separated my shoulder on the bunny slope in the 8th grade and have never been back." My friends sign up for a ridiculous 5K fun run that even has a beer at the finish line and I say, "oh, there's no way I can run for 3 miles." It's kept me on the sidelines and out of the fun. 

So from here on out I'm banishing "can't do" from my vocabulary and replacing it with "haven't tried yet". I am treating myself to a ski trip at the end of February and my only goal is to not break myself. The flight is booked, the lesson is booked and the gear is all rented! I'm not gonna lie, I am nervous as hell. It scares the shit out of me, but that's exactly how I know that it's what I need to be doing.

I started a Couch to 5K program and I'm now in week 5 of that sucker. Yep, I am actually running which I'm sure for anyone who actually knows me is quite a shock. What's more? I'm really starting to like it. And on top of that, my gal pals and I have signed up for a mud race/obstacle course in May!

Later this year I will also tackle surfing (yep, they have surfing here in NYC), archery (because you need to be prepared in a zombie apocalypse) and ice skating. Ice skating is the biggest fear of all. I've always had an irrational fear that I will fall and someone will run over my fingers and slice them off. No idea where that one came from but I haven't been ice skating since I was 13. But GD it! I'm gonna do it!

No more "I can't do" only "I'm gonna do" from here on out!

Fat Girl

I wrote about this last year as one of my visions for 2013, but I think the main reason that this vision was never realized was, well, you guessed it, my fear kept me from taking the steps I needed to make the vision a reality.

For a long time, perhaps my entire life since puberty, I have believed that I am fat. (This is not up for debate. Whether or not I really am is not the point. What only matters here is my belief and how that belief controls my life. I'm looking at you, McC) This belief has influenced my outlook on just about everything in life. It's the reason I'm not cooler, more fashionable, more successful in my acting career, the reason that I am still single at fucking 35. It's the reason why I am and never will be in love. 

I could sit here and talk about how my familial relationships shaped this idea or how my last relationship led me to believe there was something wrong with me, that maybe if I had been skinnier or prettier he wouldn't have cheated on me. But I don't think it helps to dwell on the past or blame other people for my current situation. It's time to move forward and the only thing I can change is my own attitude. 

It's my fear that keeps me fat. If I keep this layer if blubber around me then I am safe. I won't have to let anyone else in. It's everyone else's problem then. "See? It's their fault! They can't look past this gelatinous exterior to the amazingly awesome person I am." And if I can keep them at a distance, then I will never get hurt. But that fear of getting hurt is exactly what keeps me hurting. By focusing on that fear, on what might happen, I'm actually manifesting it into being.

Thoughts become action. 

So what is it I fear about getting as healthy as I know I can be? Is it the fear of losing sleep to wake up that extra hour to get to the gym? I have no problem losing an hour of sleep on the other end to a directing project or spending quality time with friends. What's the difference? I don't know yet. But I do know that if I become smoking hot, I will have to deal with attention, buy new clothes, deal with a new me and a new life. My life will change. And change is hard.

Or maybe it won't. Maybe I will change all if this and still be single, frustrated, alone. Maybe I will have to come to terms with the fact that the cause of all my frustration is not the one thing I've held onto for 20 years, but something else entirely. Something much scarier, a bigger mountain I may not be able to climb. That is a possibility, sure. Nothing is impossible. But right now that possibly scarier thing is a figment of my imagination. Something I'm conjuring to justify my fears. I grew out of being afraid of the monster under my bed because it didn't make sense to fear imaginary things. Because there was never a monster under my bed. So maybe this mountain isn't there either.

The only real tangible outcome of me getting my ass to the gym is that I will become stronger and healthier. What is there to fear in that? 

The Year of No Fear

So why a year of no fear? Well, I reached what is essentially the beginning of middle age (No joke. It's younger than you think) and realized there are so many things I haven't tried yet. And why is that? Because somewhere along the way I convinced myself (or allowed someone to convince me) that I couldn't do it. And I no longer want to think that I am limited in any way or there is anything out there that I can't do. 

It's only been nine days into this new year and already I'm floored by how many sneaky ways fear infiltrates my life. Suppose you're sitting at the bar waiting for a friend. What is the first thing you do? Well, I'm embarrassed to say it, but after I order my drink, I pull out my phone and start tapping away. Why? Fear. Fear of my environment, talking to someone new, or, Heaven forbid, that someone will see me by myself and think "she's alone which means she's single which means she has no friends which means no one loves her and she will die alone" so let me give myself something to do so it looks like "Yes, I do have friends and loved ones and lead a very important life!!!!" That's a ridiculous spiral, I know, but there is a lot of truth in it. And this example may seem small ("It's not like you're talking about jumping out of a plane, Moodylicious"), but it is a symptom of larger disease. 

I have lived what I have thought is a pretty fearless life. I can pack up my bags and move to a new city with no job or contacts in the area. Sounds exciting to me. I have no problem speaking or singing in front of people. Bring it on. I love it. But I know that there are still dreams I have yet to accomplish and for all of my hard work and determination, I still feel so far away from achieving them. 

So let's try something new. Let's look at what might be in my way. And I know that the answer is not in anything "out there". It's all in here, inside my head and heart. And until I have the courage to face these fears (or just say fuck it and do it anyway), I won't be able to live up to all of amazing possibilities the Universe has waiting for me. 

The Year of Love: In Review

What a whirlwind this year has been. I started the year (and this blog) with the intent of putting myself out there and opening myself up to love. And while I am still as "single as they come", I am a changed person. My outlook exiting 2013 is much different than it was entering 2013. No longer am I bitter about love or the "lack" of it in my life. I still get lonely, sure, and sometimes I wonder if "the one" will ever manifest himself. But this year has taught me to love myself and appreciate what I DO have in life.

I have had opportunities beyond my comprehension and have given thanks every day that I am where I am in life. I'm not sure what I did to deserve so many amazing loved ones in my life, but I am happy that I have an ocean of friends and family to support me and laugh/drink/cry with.

But because the end of every year is full of lists, I will include one here, too. You may remember the visions I made for myself and my Year of Love. I was actually quite shocked when I revisited them. I had forgotten so much of what I set out to do in 2013.

1. Lose 20 lbs: Nope. Didn't happen. I'm still pretty sexy though.
2. Quit Smoking. For Good: This one was actually pretty good ... until I directed a show over the summer and all hell broke lose. Happy to say though that once that show opened and closed I was done. Pretty much.
3. Stop Biting Fingernails: See #2.
4. Take Salsa: This I did and I LOVE IT. I think the salsa dance is the perfect exercise for the "modern woman". There is something so freeing about letting the man be a man and lead me across the dance floor. To give up the control that I cling to so desperately in life. I still have some classes left on my card that I will carry over into 2014: The Year of No Fear (more on that later).
5. Meditate: This one was a lot less structured than I would have liked. I confess that I certainly didn't carve out quiet time in my day to slow down and meditate. But my capacity for thankfulness and spirituality certainly increased and this is another vision I will carry with me into the New Year.
6. CAREER!!!!: This is by far the most impressive change in my life. I received a hefty raise at my "money job". I directed several outstanding theatre pieces (to rave reviews) and I was able to observe a world renowned voice teacher in her final semester of teaching. I feel so much more prepared for teaching and I'm looking forward to finding that right opportunity that will kickstart me on the path towards the life I want.
7. Credit Card Debt: Oh, do we really have to talk about this one? Okay. So even though I received a significant raise, I was part-time all this Fall because of the observation. I counted every penny, but still had to charge rent this last month of 2013 and charge Christmas. So I have less debt than when I started 2013, but I didn't reach my goal. Not to be discouraged, this will carry over as well.
8. Build a New Home: Well, I wasn't able to move into my own place this year, but I did get two new roommates. I miss my "old" roommate desperately, but we've painted walls and rearranged furniture and I am excited for this new chapter in all of our lives.
9. Blog: Yeah. So, that happened. I wasn't as faithful as I would have liked. I think that the blog serves as a creative outlet when I don't have as many creative opportunities in my "real life" so when I'm directing/acting/teaching, the blog falls by the wayside. But I am going to try to continue with it as I think it is a good way for me to process all that is happening in my life and help me keep perspective on all that is important.

So as we say good-bye to 2013: Year of Love, we say hello to 2014: The Year of No Fear. Already in the works is a skiing trip to conquer the fear that developed after I took a tumble down a green and separated my shoulder on a youth group ski trip. Rounding out the list (so far) is learning to surf, taking archery lesson (in case of the zombie apocalypse) and finally writing my one-woman show.

I'm still planning on blogging about life, love and living without fear so feel free to check in once in a while.

All the best to you and yours for a prosperous and "take the world by storm" 2014!

XOXO
Me

One Director's Thoughts

The play that I've been working on since November opens tonight and I could not be more proud of the project and my entire cast and crew. Here are the "Director's Notes" that I composed for the program. 

One of my favorite writers once wrote, "Forever is composed of Nows". If I could edit Ms. Dickinson's words (although I would never claim to be as brilliant), I would say, "The FUTURE is composed of Nows". The life we live right now dictates what our future will hold. How we treat one another in this very moment will shape the culture and policies of our future world. And that's not just the world of the next generation. That's our world of next year, next month and even tomorrow. We all have, within us, the ability to affect the future and the opportunity to do so is right now. That's right. Right now as you're reading this. Turn to that person next to you (no, not the one you came with; the one on the other side), and just make eye contact and smile. That smile of, "Hey lady/man, my fellow human of this world. I got your back. If shit goes down tonight, I'll be there for you, I promise."

And that's all it takes. We're all in this together as a team. We, as a company of A Future Imperfect, have accepted the responsibility of taking care of one another and we extend that same attention to you. We hope that you will receive it and maybe, at some point in the next 80 minutes, feel inclined to return it. And even if you don't feel so inclined, that's okay. But you can still have ours. We'll never ask for it back.

Thank you for being here and for supporting live theatre.

Here's to all the people who create and put their heart and souls on display for the public. You are heroes. Please continue to create. The world needs to hear your voice. 

In All Areas

After this week's email fiasco, it has really hit me how important it is to treat everyone with respect and kindness in every moment. And not just what we say and do to them in person, but also what we say about them behind their backs and even what we think about them as well. Our thoughts become words and our  words become action. If we can change how we think about people and begin to think kindness and love over them, it will so quickly begin to change ourselves and our communities.

But I know that's easier said than done. Life is hard. It's especially difficult to think positively about everyone at all times when you live in a rat-infested cement jungle that constantly smells of piss and sewage. We get lost in our thoughts and struggles and sometimes we have a bad day. But no matter how bad it is for you, there is always someone who has it worse.

Even as we New Yorkers cram into subway cars and ignore each other by staring at our iPhones, there can still be moments of kindness. I've seen hundreds of them. A man gives up his seat for a mother and her child. One woman calls out to another woman as she's leaving the train because that woman has forgotten her purse. A young woman stays in her seat so as not to disturb her neighbor who has fallen asleep and is now leaning against her. As we struggle through this difficult and often devastating life, it's important to recognize these moments and celebrate them. It's what's gonna get us though. Together.

And because I love baseball, today I celebrate this young man and his act of kindness and generosity.

I Am More Than My Horse Face

I am currently directing a show for the NY International Fringe Festival. It's a big deal for all of us involved because we're very excited to have this level of exposure to our work. So yesterday, being the good promoter that I am, I sent an email to my professional contacts letting them know about the show. There were a bunch of contacts included in the email that are not in NY but I think it's important for people to know what I'm up to and to let people know that I'm also now directing. I get the following reply from a prominent Artistic Director in Kansas City:

"Remember her, wasn't she the one, horse face, in the thinks first show?"

At first I was shocked, then angry, but after about a minute I just started laughing. This old fart had replied to me when he clearly meant to forward it on to someone else. He had fucked up. Big time.

Of all the things that the Internet is good for, stupidity shaming is the best. I brainstormed all the ways I could  throw this back in the guy's face. I could write an open letter to the Kansas City theatre community or perhaps forward it on to the theatre critics in town and give them an inside scoop on how artistic directors treat the talent that work (or try to work) so hard for them. 

Instead, I decided to simply reply with my usual sassy wit and charm. 

"Hi {Artistic Director}!

I think you may have meant to send your email to someone else, and even though I don't know who you are referring to when you say "the thinks", I was in {theatre company}'s first show, {name of show}.

If you take a look at my website {inserted direct link to my professional website} you'll see a bunch of reviews and find other things I have been called besides "horse face". For that very show, {KC theatre critic} said I had a powerful voice and gave a big-hearted performance. {Another theatre reviewer} from {another KC paper} called my performance in 1776 with {another theatre company} "show-stopping". And while you may not know this, I've actually worked all over the country and been called, "bold", "sexy and smart", "daring", "electric", "a hoot", "a wonder", and even "enigmatic".

And {Artistic Director}, while I've got your ear, I do, in all seriousness, want to say thank you for all of your hard work over the years in bringing theatre to the Kansas City community. Since you now know that I am a director (and not just a horse-faced actress), I believe in creating opportunities for artists and telling stories well and honestly. I believe that it is important to create art and theatre wherever you are. It's in the theatre where lives can be changed and even saved. So thank you for all of your years of service to Kansas City. With theatres closing all over the country (and in Kansas City) it is important that you continue to thrive and create opportunities for artists in the community.

Thank you also for your support of newer companies like {"the things" company}. They, and artists like them, are the future of American theatre.

If you will be in NYC this August and would like to come see the show, please let me know and I will happily have two tickets waiting for you and a guest. If not, I wish you a happy and healthy August and all the best with your current and upcoming productions.

With admiration,
Me

I don't care that this old, gay dude thinks I have a "horse face". What I DO care about are the actors in Kansas City who want desperately to work for this man and put their artistic worth in his hands. Clearly this man has very little respect for actors or other artists creating theatre in Kansas City. If he holds this attitude of me, he certainly holds it of many more.

If I could do one thing, it would be to empower my fellow artists in Kansas City to start creating their own work. Don't allow the hostility and disrespect of people like this Artistic Director to affect how you view yourself or your talent. Yes, you need the money and his contracts are appealing; please continue to seek jobs at his thetare in order to feed your family. However, you don't have to rely on him to help you be an actor/musician/artist. YOU have the power to create theatre that is actually worth seeing, that challenges yourself, your peers and the entire Kansas City community. Don't settle for the same surface comedies and musicals over and over. Start writing that one-person show you've always wanted to write, adapt your favorite short story or poem. Gather your friends together and write that site-specific piece you've been talking about and do it in a coffee shop, a church, an apartment and invite the entire community, not just the privileged few who can afford $60 for a great buffet and a colorful comedy.

If Kansas City theatre is going to survive, if the American Theatre is going to survive, it's not because of people like this artistic director who settle for the same stories Kansas City has heard a hundred times before. It's because of you, the artists who do the actual work in telling the stories. You are worth more than this spiteful septuagenarian's opinion of you. Create your own work, tell your stories boldly, passionately and honestly and never, NEVER, for a second, give your power to an Artistic Director who has no respect for the work that you do or the person that you are.

Yes, Please. More of That

Every once in a while I have a perfect NYC night that reminds me why I am here at this very moment in my life. 

Tonight I saw my favorite drag queen in her NYC debut show. With me were some of my best gal (and gay) pals. I feel so fortunate to have found a community of like-minded people to share this crazy, horrible, wonderful journey with and I will forever be grateful for all that they teach me.

And on the train ride home, after trailing my hands down a disgustingly dirty subway handrail, a woman offered me a few drops of her Purell. I politely refused stating that I had some of my own. She said to me, "no worries. I just know how it is". We rode is silence for two stops and as I exited the train at my home station I said to good-bye and "have a good night" to her.

She replied, "you, too, sweetie."

I couldn't help but smile. I was struck with how random and wonderful this city truly is. I am thankful for her and for her kindness and generosity. I am thankful for my amazing friends and all of their beauty and talent. And I am thankful to live in a city that offers us the opportunity to experience all of this in one night.

Thank you, Universe/God/Fate for bringing all of this beauty and wonder into my life. I don't know what I did to deserve it, but I thank you for it. And all I do is to honor you. 

Greetings From Maine

I've been up in the woods of Maine for a few days now and despite the rainy weather and the ten too many tiny spiders in my room, I feel amazing. I've been at a voice workshop since Monday and feeling so great about myself, my life and the future that lies ahead. 

But getting ready this morning in the little mirror in my bedroom, I realized there are hardly any mirrors around. I haven't looked at the bottom half of myself since I left New York on Monday. In New York there are shops windows and subway doors that reflect my plump image back to me everywhere I turn. Here at this woodland retreat, I only catch my mirrored top half when I wash my hands in the bathroom. 

It's interesting that here, where I am studying what I love AND here there are so few reminders about all that I think is wrong with me, how much better I feel about myself. Here my self-worth is measured in my connections with the work I am doing and the relationships I am establishing with my fellow workshop members. 

This realization is incredibly freeing and I am hoping to carry this with me back to the city. 

Because I am more than my weight, more than my supposed imperfections. No shop window will ever be able to reflect all of the joy, intelligence, humor and love that I posses inside of me. 

Creation is Love

At a particularly low point in my life, I started The Artist's Way, a 12-week journey of exercises and exploration to help you unleash your inner creative self. I was looking for inspiration to help me continue to live the "NYC Actor" life. Instead, it made me realize all the other things I wanted in life. I immediately stopped auditioning and got a day job to earn the money that would help me make all of my other dreams come true. But that's not the point of this post. The point is that the author was encouraging all of us to embrace our own inner creator because the ultimate Creator loves us and wants us to continue His/Her work of creating.

That really struck me. I was created to create. I give thanks for being created by continuing to create. Creation is an act of love.

I use all the projects in my life (writing, directing, teaching) as a way to distract myself from finding love. But ultimately, all of these projects are love. I am creating something of myself and presenting it to the world. I am giving my love, thoughts, emotions and experience to others. And of course, there is the love that is exchanged between the other members of these projects. We open ourselves to each other, trust that our emotions and hearts will be accepted by and kept safe with these other people. And, at the end of it all, we hopefully walk away with some amazing friendships.

So I am not going to beat myself up for not pursuing love by scoping out dudes on OKCupid or going on countless speed dates. Instead I'm giving thanks that I have the opportunity to create and send love out into the world that way. And when the summer ends and things slow down, then I'll get back to finding just one person to give my love to. And hotdamn, he will be one lucky man. 

Better to Have

On Friday, I was GChattin with a gal pal of mine, just the usual get-us-through-Friday-afternoon stuff like pics of guys in suits or cute dogs. Out of nowhere, she dropped the bomb on me that she was harboring an intense hatred for her ex and regretted wasting her youth on someone as evil as he. I tried to talk her down with cliches like "it's better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all" and shit like that. But she wasn't convinced. And neither was I. 

I thought back to the relationships and pseudo relationships I've had. Do I feel that way about the guys to whom I've given my heart? Do I wish I would never have wasted a breath on them? Absolutely, 100%, not at all. 

All of those relationships have gotten me here to this moment. I really enjoy my life, all the places I've been and all of the crazy, beautiful people I've met along the way. And even though I am still single while many of these men are all married and white picket fence, I don't think I would have done anything differently. 

That's not to say I didn't hurt them or wasn't hurt by them. I can give you a list of the shit I've done out of confusion, spite, jelousy and down right stupidity. A boy from high school, a summer showmance, a man I met at a wedding, a good friend from grad school and enough Chicago improvisers to form a house team. I fell in love easily and fell hard. But I've learned something from each of these relationships. I know how I want to be treated and how to treat the next man I fall in love with. 

Sure, I'm still single and childless but I'm happy. I don't think I would be as happy or happier if things with any of these gentlemen had things turned out any differently. And I don't think they would be either. 

I don't think it's ever a waste to love someone no matter how badly it hurts at the end of it. Just be thankful for the time you've had with that person, wish them well and send them on their way. It's painful, but in the long run it's better to be grateful than hateful. And you can quote me on that!

Too Busy For Love

I'm juggling 5 projects at the moment on top of my money job (they're actually making me working at work these days. It's really weird). So lately I haven't been giving much thought to love or the pursuit of it. It's the excuse I've used for ... well, my whole life. I'm too busy for love. My career comes first. Who has time to date? Blah, blah, blah. When I'm working so hard on all of the things, why do I want add something else I have to work on. It's just too much. 

If someone wants to find a way to insert himself into my ... ahem ... life ... then by all means let him go for it. 

But for now, I'm just working hard on my projects, staying open to the people around me and trying to maintain a positive attitude (you know, like believing all this shit is worth it). I will find ways to show kindness to my fellow New Yorker and maybe smile at the people I accidentally make eye contact with (not in that cheesy dance team way. You know what I mean). In a few months, life will slow back down and I can return to my pursuit.

Le Sigh

A guy that I met at Speed Dating emailed me yesterday ...

(yay?)

... to sell me a weekend event with his networking company. Ugh. It is not okay to meet ladies under the guise of looking for love only to email them when you want to sell. them. something.

Boo. Bad form pal.

But totally indicative of my dating life right now.

Bravo, Mr. Collins!

We all deserve love in our lives and we all deserve to search for that love without fear of animosity or retaliation. I don't follow basketball much (expect for my home state Jayhawks!), so I've never seen or heard of Jason Collins before today. But I am so impressed with him and his beautifully eloquent coming out. 

I wish that all of us - gay, straight, bi, trans, man, woman, black, white, red, yellow, brown, pink and purple - could find as much bravery within ourselves to live our life so boldly and passionately. How good it must feel to speak the words you've been dying to speak for so long. To be able to say with confidence that this is who I am and this is what I want.

You can read his fantastic article here. Oh, and just look how beautiful he is! So proud and happy, that light shining from within. Lucky is the man who gets to spend a life with Mr. Collins.

For as happy as I am for Jason, I am amazed that it has taken this 34 year old so long to discover and proclaim who he truly is. But of course, I realize that it has taken me (also 34) just as long and I am still searching. I don't have a national platform with which to herald my true self, but what would I say if I did have a national magazine ready to print my hopes, dreams and desires. Even if I don't have that, isn't every day a chance to proclaim my life as MINE. To unabashedly say without fear that this is who I am and this is what I want! 

Why wait until I lose 20 lbs or pay off that debt or get another job or get my own apartment or, like Mr. Collins, a national tragedy reminds me how precious and fleeting life is?

So what is it? What is that one thing that I am (you are) denying that, once revealed, would help me live the life I always dreamed was possible, the life I know I am (you are) meant to lead? Can we find the bravery to show ourselves for who we truly are and love ourselves enough to never fear the retaliation for proclaiming our true selves?

Thank You?

On a train ride home last week, a guy walked all the way from the other side of the train to stand right in front of me. He was just staring at my legs in my brown knee high boots and as we pull into the station he says to me "I think I'm attracted to you." And then, as he's making this big round shape with his hands he says, "You're really healthy. I like that."

"Thank you," I say. I mean, really, what else can I say?

He gets of the train and that was it. 

It's nice to know that there are some men in NYC who appreciate what I'm working with.

Like a Band-Aid

In a fit of boredom/anger/desperation last week, I deleted my profiles from ALL of the online dating sites I apathetically frequented: OKCupid, match.com, Christian Mingle, eHarmony. Done. With all of them. And to tell you the truth, I've never felt better. It kind of feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. No longer do I feel obligated to login and run a search of potential mates or respond to a jackbag's eloquently penned message of "hey". I'm left with tons more time now to do .... something, who knows.

But the problem is, online dating is kind of how New Yorkers find each other. When a gal pal says that she's engaged, chances are she met him on match.com. Another gal pal gets a new beau and where'd she meet him? OKCupid. We don't bother talking to people here in NYC. We put our earbuds in, crank up the music and actively ignore each other. And if you do happen to accidentally make eye contact with another person, you're greeted with a look of fear and distrust. It's so much easier to search for people online and send them a two-word greeting from the safety of your living room couch.

But the easiest way is not always the most rewarding way. So I'm taking it to the streets. Yup. I'm actually going to break out of my comfort zone and talk to a flesh and blood male. Well, I actually have no trouble talking to real life males, I talk to them all the time. But I'm suggesting chatting with one I might actually be attracted to and not just the parking lot attendant across the street who I say hello to every morning. 

And who cares if I get rejected because the dude has a girlfriend or he finds me repulsive. Whatever. At least I did it. And the next one will be that much easier and the following one even easier. And before you know it, I will be picking up men left and right. 

Sounds like fun. 

Boston

I don't have much to say about yesterday's tragedy in Boston that hasn't already been said much more eloquently than I could have imagined. But what I will say is that it's in times like these that I am fiercely thankful for my family, friends, my community and my country. There is a lot that is broken, but there is so much more that is right. People running TOWARDS the explosion to help. People coming out in droves to donate blood. Thousands offering prayers, well-wishes and thoughts of hope and encouragement. 

I've only been to Boston twice. The first as child on my family's "American History" vacation and the other as an adult with my sorority sisters (the two trips were extremely different as you can imagine). But I do know a lot of people from Boston (originally froms or transplants) and they are a fiery, loyal, generous people. I am saddened that this happened to their community, but I know that they will persevere and come through the other side stronger, more resilient and more patriotic than ever. 

All I can offer in this situation is love. It's my default emotion in any catastrophic event and I firmly believe it's the only way to heal. Send it to your family and friends as a reminder of what they mean to you. Send it to the running community whose sense of security was shattered. Send it to the families of those killed or injured. Send it to the aid workers fighting to save lives. Send it to the law enforcement agents who are working tirelessly to track down the person responsible. Send it to the family of the person responsible. Hell, even send it to the person responsible so that he or she may realize the severity of his/her actions, take the full weight of that responsibility and turn his/her own hatred and vengence into a power for positive, non-violent change.

But above all send it to yourselves.  Please be gentle with yourselves today and everyday. And if you feel like you need a little love, send me a note. I'm always happy to listen and send love and encouragement across the miles.

 

"If You Can't Love Yourself ....

How in the hell you gonna love somebody else? Can I get an 'AMEN!'" ~ RuPaul

For the past four months, I've been contemplating love and how I can make myself available for "the one". But I'm starting to think that this journey is so much more than that. I think maybe it's about changing my heart to find more love for myself. 

Don't get me wrong, I think I'm pretty great. I know who I am and what I want out of life, but there are certain destructive areas of my life that are holding me back from full self-acceptance and love. 

I wrote that one of my visions for 2013 was to lose 20lbs and this was for the expressed purpose of being hot enough for someone to deem me datable. Being fat has been a great way to keep myself isolated and safe. The literal layers between myself and another human being have been the constant, single reason for "everything wrong in my life". But working out and dieting just to be "hot" has never been a good motivator for me (or else I'd already be smoking hot).

When I start looking at the reasons why I'm fat, it really does boil down to a general loathing of myself and my body. Why else would I continue to put fried, greasy, fattening foods or chemically processed convenience and diet foods into my body when I know they do nothing to nourish the one and only thing that will be with me through my entire life?! I put more energy and thoughtfulness into what I feed my dog than what I feed myself. And while I love her a lot, shouldn't I at least grant myself the same consideration?

What could be possible if I begin to love and nourish myself physically as well emotionally and spiritually?! If I love and respect myself as much as I say I do, I could prove it by becoming more loving and mindful about how I take care of myself. And there's no time like the present!